Miserable and Uncomfortable

 Hello little world! Is everyone wearing their smiles today??? 

Just kidding, but you should be-as much as you can. They are contagious you know- more so than Covid, and it feels so much better than Covid when you get one.- speaking of covid, I am going on 11 months of no taste or smell still. Yup. Suck City.  But that is a whole other blog for a different time, not this one, so let me get un-side tracked.

Ready? ok, fingers on the home keys... and GO!

On this episode...

We may bounce around a bit, but this time its intentional and I am not just following my wild thought trail without a map.  I actually have a map this time. lol. So first on the agenda... Neologisms.

What are Neologisms? Its basically a fancy word for "new words". Psychology has its own definition for neologism as well, but that one is associated with a disorder, and despite my ramblings sometimes being disorderly, it is completely unrelated. 

Either way, I often come up with new words that just seem to fit the moment, and then later look them up to see if they already exist.  When they don't, I take those words or short phrases and submit them to Urban Dictionary for review.  As of this moment, I officially have five (5) submitted and published Neologisms;  1)Fellowers  2) Clawdust  3)Primitively deficient 4) Shelter impaired 5) Skroll.  You may look them up on Urban Dictionary.  

Today you all get to be witness to my sixth submitted (although not yet published) neologism, as you all are my inspiration. So, without further delay, dun duh duh dun....

"BLOGGEES" ...Ok not really that exciting, lol. 

Like employer and employees, I am a blogger and you are my bloggees. Except I'm not in charge, and you are not getting paid. But you get the idea. 

Moving on.

Next order of business: Grudges, baggage and the statute of limitations.

Now obviously these words are completely unrelated by the meaning of their definitions when speaking of them literally. Figuratively, on the other hand, they actually do, and should go hand in hand  (pun intended) and respectively do follow the order above.

A grudge is not just a creepy person that crawls out of a tv  and needs a haircut and some vitamin D. It is actually what the movie is about. It can be a noun, verb or adjective, but for this blog,  I am using it as a noun- 

"a feeling of ill will or resentment" (dictionary.com)

Grudges, unfortunately play a tremendous role in not just our personal lives, but on a global scale. They are the underlying "emotion" for almost all forms of conflict- from separations of families to wars and everything in between. Many times, it exists for no reason other than "I just don't like that person". I'm sure we have all heard this before. There is actually a "scientific" reason why we "just don't like someone", but we will save that for another time.  

It is unfortunate that people have grudges, and what is worse it how they hold onto them- this is called baggage. Baggage also takes on multiple forms and meanings- the stuff you lose at the airport, dating someone with lots of exes, babies mommies/daddies, emotional states that need some serious therapy***

***DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT REFERRING TO MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES HERE, BECAUSE MENTAL HEALTH IS A SERIOUS ISSUE, AND I TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY SO IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO OR NEEDS HELP, JUST KNOW OR TELL THEM IT IS OK TO GET IT OR TO ASK FOR IT AND DO NOT KEEP IT BOTTLED UP! THERE ARE HEALTHY WAYS TO FEEL BETTER!***

So those are a few of the many forms of baggage that exist, but today is about grudge baggage specifically.

Why do we hold onto the things that make us angry or upset or can ruin our day, and for some, their whole lives? What is the point. I know people who hold onto every moment that someone hurt them or lied to them or "betrayed" them as they would put it.  But why? they are only torturing themselves- and if the person is still in their lives, maybe torturing them as well ( I'm not talking about the chained to the wall type of torture, but the emotional torture, which sucks too)

Now there are exceptions to this baggage grudge thing as well. Most of which are quite serious, and I wont go into detail, but there are things that happen to people either as children or even adults that affects them to the core, and rightfully so, which often leads to a change in their psychological wellbeing.  These results are beyond the scope of what I would consider eligible for the category of holding a grudge, and being so, they can call it whatever they want at that point.

Baggage grudges may cause some heartache, loss in trust, jealousy, fear, but all on a relatively small scale compared to other inflictions of pain (mentioned above) that we may encounter. What does holding on to those grudges and pain actually do for us.  It can initially teach us a lesson, but then what? If you do learn from it, take that knowledge and move on, leaving the anger waste behind-flush it in the toilet and forget about it. 

Consider this... all you baggage handlers out there... you know who you are...you often admit to it as if it is something to be proud of...????? anyways...

When you go on vacation, do you take your entire wardrobe with you? Hopefully not.  Generally we take the things we NEED and some of the things that make us happy.  But  would we take jackets to the desert? No. Why not? because we would be miserable and uncomfortable. No one (hopefully) wants to go through life miserable and uncomfortable, and that is exactly what they are doing to themselves.  The point is that we don't need to carry all of our baggage everywhere we go.  So why do we carry our past emotional pains, grudges, with us.

The Statute of Limitations.  

For those who do not know what the statute of limitations is, in the simplest terms, it is a limit on the time we are allowed to complain about something. It is legal in origin and refers to filing a formal complaint within the court of law.  A complaint is like suing or accusing someone of something.  Different "complaints" or accusations have different time limits and it also varies depending on what state you live  in. For example, in California, if you are injured by a person, you have up to two years to file a legal complaint about it, after which time, the judge will generally not "hear" or consider your complaint (case).

So what does this have to do with today's topic? For some grudge holders, nothing at all... because they can hold onto their grudges for...ev...errr. Maybe it is just me, but I really feel that if we have to live with the grudge holding of others, we should be able create some grudge ground rules. We can impose our own "Relationship Statute of Limitations (RSL)". This is not just for our 'significant other' relationships, but familial and all other personal relationships. And just like in law, we can break it down by "degrees" or the "how-bad-was-it". 

In our RSL, for example, we could say that if someone lies to you, they are allowed to hold a grudge from  one hour to 6 months depending on the severity of the lie and other factors. If someone steals something from you (other than stealing of significant other) then your RSL could be as long as 1 year, maybe more. 

I know that maybe this is an impossible idea, but it may be necessary in many cases.  I can just imagine trying to create this guideline-what a disaster. You would have to find a group of completely unbiased individuals that have never been wronged in their life, and to all agree upon appropriate time limits. Good luck, right?

On the pro side, think of all of the feuding countries, or divided families that would be required to give up their grudges after a certain amount of time. It would definitely put an end to some long running conflicts where those involved probably don't even remember or know exactly why they are fighting in the first place. 

Everyone has their reasons, I suppose, but I really don't get why people want to live with any form of anger or resentment towards anyone. You have a right to get angry and be mad, in fact, it is necessary for emotional health and development. Key word-development- meaning you grow within that emotion and once it no longer serves you, you leave it behind.  Someone may be very comfortable in the first grade, but you can't stay there forever. I mean, you can but do you really want to be the only teenager in the first grade and never learning anything more?  Back to being miserable and uncomfortable again.

 So what is the harm in holding grudges? In my experience, it is immeasurable.  The problem with many grudges, lets say, familial for example, is that the grudge can be contagious. Let  me explain...

So hypothetical situation- You have two siblings who have always been relatively close but have had recent long distance separations from each other, which in turn does create that emotional distance between them as well.  Now, sibling one moved away but came back to visit sibling two and the rest of the family, but sibling two also brought a significant other.  For some reason, sibling two does not like the significant other.  Sibling two holds some unstated grudge against that person for whatever reason.  Sibling two creates an uncomfortable environment for sibling one and her significant other, but since sibling one is just visiting,  they are aware that they will be leaving soon and out of that environment anyways.

Fast forward about a year or two.  It is the birthday of the mother of sibling one and two, and a surprise is in the works.  Sibling one and significant other has a child, of which is extremely close to sib one and two's mother, and that child is invited to attend the birthday  party.  Sibling one, although it being that person's mother, is not invited.  Child asks if the parents (sibling one and significant other) are able to attend, and is told No. Child is very close to their parents (sibling one and significant other) and is extremely upset that their are not invited, stating "if they cannot go, then I'm not going". 

First of all, bravo to  the courageous child for standing up for the preservation of family. (cheering and applause in the crowd)

The misfortune here lies in two places- well, multiple actually, but primarily, for the child who is now forced to choose between two very important parts of his life due to sibling two having  created a division within the family- based upon a grudge, of which the reason is not understood.  Secondly, the mother is deprived of having her children and her truly loved grandchild being present at her birthday. Additionally, the tension is so firm that other members of the family either take a stand on one side, or do absolutely nothing to help which only hinders.  No matter what the reasoning is, or how you look at it, everyone loses here. 

While this may be an extreme example of the repercussions of a grudge, it does happen more often than one might think.  It is healthy and normal to be angry or upset for something, especially when a trust is broken-which usually takes longer, or if ever to recover from, but the effects of holding onto that resentment is truly a tragedy.  

In a perfect world,  not intangible by any means, we could allow ourselves to be angry, then pull ourselves together enough to understand why it effects us.  Then we can all (wo)MAN up and address it with the person it is directed to, try to reach a solution or at least a fair negotiation about it.  Only then can we genuinely and finally put the issue to rest and move forward.  

This may require forgiveness- another topic for another day, but at least we wouldn't be bottling up all of that hurt and anger and the fear of it happening again. That is no way to live. How many times do we blow up at someone when it has nothing to do with them? We are angry about something else? It is like the evil alternate dimension of "pay it forward". But instead of helping someone and it growing exponentially, we are hurting someone, which they "hurt it forward" and that pain grows exponentially instead.

However you choose to address the conflict in your life is essentially your choice. Just know that your choice, is not just your effect.  And if you know that the way you treat people will actually spread beyond yourself, wouldn't you rather spread something positive?

Well, bloggees:), take care out there, and be good to each other. Kindness and compassion are the greatest gift you can share- and, it's free!

Thanks for being here. 

See you soon.