February 20

 Hello beautiful world.I hope you are all practicing kindness and gratitude and spreading it all around everywhere.

I have to be honest and say that today is bittersweet- just as it has been for officially 5 years now. Today marks the birthday of absolutely the most beautiful woman I have  ever known. It also marks the 5 year anniversary of her passing, but she would never want us to remember it that way. Still, it is hard not to be saddened by her absence. 

So despite the eye waterfall which is literally taking place as I am writing this, I am going to share a couple funny and wonderful things about her in her honor- because that is what she would want me to do and I would literally have done anything for her just as she would have for me.

So, sit back and enjoy a couple  of my favorite memories with me. There’s so many, but I will save some for next year. Lets start with one that might be my favorite little secret between us…

Tequila…lol. 

One random night when I was in junior high, she pulled out a bottle of jose cuervo gold and put it on her coffee table in the living room. She then placed  on top of it, this miniature black serving tray with little gold and white flowers which had some quartered lemons and a small shaker of salt. Now, the funny thing about this is, that she NEVER allowed anyone to eat or drink ANYTHING in her living room. She poured two shot glasses and handed me one. I was literally shocked. I had never drank before but who was I to refuse such a once in a lifetime offer??? She was letting me drink something in her living room!!lol.She didn't say anything. She just curved her left hand, poured some salt and held a slice of lemon, then looked at me as if to say “your turn”. Of course I did exactly as she did. Then with her right hand, she picked up her full shot glass, looked at me again, so I picked up mine. Then she licked the salt, took the shot, and bit the lemon…. The important thing to note here is that it was a lemon and not a lime. Lol. So, I followed suit. 

I honestly cannot recall how the rest of the evening went, but I know we laughed a whole lot. We never spoke of it again, and I don't think we ever did it again. But, I will never drink tequila with anything other than a lemon- and Im pretty sure, I never told anyone in the family until now. 

Also in junior high, she used to pick me up every day from school. The school I went to seemed to plague myself and my younger siblings with very bad fortune. One day, some random girl I didn't know literally attacked me in the locker hall over a misunderstanding. I ended up getting to Manga’s car a little later than usual and sat inside without saying anything.  She was wearing her usual beautiful smile when she greeted me. When I stayed quiet she looked at me and said “What's wrong, Mija?” I told her what happened and she inhaled sharply putting her hands to her mouth. Tears streamed from her eyes and she turned off her car. “Those Bitches!!!” she shreaked as she went to grab the handle of her car door “where are they??” .I couldn't help but laugh a little as I shook my head and told her “It's okay, Manga.” 

She was so ready to kick whoever’s ass she needed to at the moment. I truly believe she had more balls than I did at that moment and I don't think I ever heard her swear in all my years I knew her.  I guess that's part of where I get my gangster from….

I could go on all day with so many wonderful memories but for now, I will share some of the many things she taught me. I have already mentioned how she taught me how to be a good woman, “wife/partner”, how to cook always from scratch, how to make the perfect thanksgiving dinner, how to swim when I was only a few months old, how to clean-like, REALLY clean, how to drive, and how to drive a stick shift, how to always treat people with kindness, to wear a smile as often as you could, to play cribbage, to give great hand massages, to love unconditionally, and  without knowing it, she taught me to try to be a as beautiful of a person on the inside as she was. 

Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. For a long time, I was going through some very difficult personal times and I didn't reach out to her as much as I should have and a part of me still has regrets that I was not as good of a granddaughter to her in the end as she always was an amazing grandmother to me. And while I cannot change that, I know there was one final lesson she did teach me after she was gone. 

“Love while you still can… and don’t let anyone leave this earth without them knowing how much they mean to you.”

Manga left behind someone very special. Someone who loved, cherished, cared for and adored her for over 50 years. An amazing man, husband, father, great grandfather, and grandfather. So, grandpa, I want you to know how much I love you, and how grateful I am that Manga had you in her life and how grateful I am to have always had you in my life. You gave me my nickname. So in her honor, I am going to bug the hell out of you with my random video chats, and silly facebook posts, drink recipes, and whatever else it takes for you to know how much you are appreciated for the rest of our time together, because there is a HUGE part of her inside me, and the last thing we would ever want is for you to feel like she is missing from your life. 

I love you both so much and I look forward to more memories together- like I said yesterday… you are not done until I am too old to do things!!!

Happy Birthday, Manga.

Not All Angels Have Wings

 The world of an independent woman is a tricky one to navigate at best. Add the fact that this particular woman is a single mom… good luck to anyone that tries to be a part of whatever the hell she is doing. Because nine times out of ten, this woman does not know what she wants… but… she absolutely knows what she does NOT want.

So as you all know, I spent 18 years with the father of my son. We never married, but after 18 years, WTF is the actual difference. For reasons the universe only knows, we were not meant to be together in the end. And he actually TOLD me that many moons ago when I was so head over heels in love, that I couldn't even fathom the concept of it.

However….

He could not have been more right. But shhhh please don't tell him. The last thing I need is him knowing he was actually right at some point. Lol.

Fast forward to today.  Him and I are good. We have an understanding that we were at one point a family, and due to a shared DNA of an amazingly fantastic offspring, we are forever united for that one and only purpose. 

Ok, moving to the point of this blog. Lol.

After being in such a long relationship, you learn a lot about yourself. And when you are the one that ends the relationship, you learn even more. 

You go through a period of reflection, and sometimes guilt and questioning. But you cannot ever second guess your decisions because you made them for a reason. And who in their right mind is okay with being questioned on the decisions they make- especially when they are utterly heart wrenching??? 

But at some point you need to ask yourself… What do I REALLY want??? And then you get absolutely NO answer. Literally.

So then you have to ask yourself… What do I NOT want??? 

And then you go from there. At least you finally have a definitive starting point and that puts you way ahead of most of the world around you,

In my life today, I have a 17 year old son who has miraculously thrived despite the literally fucked up situation he was exposed to most of his life. I am EXTREMELY particular about who I bring into our environment which is precisely why he has never met anyone i have ever been on dates with. 

The truth about me is that I am hyper-independent. Been that way my entire life to the point where I can pinpoint the exact moment, day, time, reason, why that happened. Story for another day, but if someone wants to be a part of my world, they would have to be the PERFECT combination of…. Having an intellect of something I know nothing about, have street smarts, respect and appreciate their mama!, respect themselves, appreciate traditions and old-school values, be hard working, tenacious, and vivacious.

The rest of my requirements are purely selfish but necessary…. I Love latino men. Oh baby! Lol. Must be five foot ten or taller, hygienically conscious, fun loving, open to do whatever the hell I feel like doing in the moment, at any time, day  or night, and basically a willing participant to the life that paves the way for maximizing happiness and pleasure. Wink wink.

So you know that movie where you are in the elevator with your crush and you fantasize him pushing you against the wall and ravaging you until the next floor when the doors open up and others enter… yeah. that. .. FOUND IT!!!

And have you ever had a conversation with someone, but get completely lost in their smile and/or eyes, or the way  their lips look when they speak??? FOUND THAT.

Have you ever spent an evening with someone that basically fulfills all of your physical needs, but doesn't say “no” when you ask for more? Oh yeah, FOUND THAT TOO.

You lay next to this person, and they snuggle into your neck with their perfect lips…. Then… well, you know…

I'm not trying to divulge all of my personal exploits, nor am I trying to make anyone jelly. Hee hee.

But in this day and age, and at my ripe old age of NunYa! Lol. meeting someone who gives you all of the nuzzles and giddies that were supposed to exist as a “young teenager exploring so many firsts” you kinda have to give credit where credit is due.

I am not saying I am in love, I am not saying I am in a relationship or situationship by any means. I am just happy to have met someone who knows when and where to tell me “no” and lets me be me-which lets him be him and we both get to enjoy the fruit of our ridiculously hard working lives with someone else who can appreciate all the little things about ourselves. 

So to him… thank you… lets just keep having the fun that we both enjoy!!!!

Find your happiness in this world everyone!!! It's a greater joy than any monetary riches that ever existed!!!

Take care and see you soon!!!

Exceptional

 Hello beautiful world and a Happy New Year!

Today I would like to dedicate this blog to my grandpa Ron. I wish we could be spending the holidays with you  in person, but know that I am always there with you.

This is for you...

                    Its called "Exceptional"

There’s a unique beauty in this world.

It gives us many reasons to celebrate.

From birthdays, holidays, graduations, love…

And with a few that make absolutely no sense

*like national talk like a pirate day.

…to each their own scurvy way I suppose

Once in a great while,

We are given an exceptional reason to celebrate.

Once in a great while, 

We are given exceptional people to celebrate with.

My world was blessed with two remarkably exceptional people…

And those people have created

nothing less,

Than exceptional things,

Memories,

Traditions,

Values,

They created an exceptional legacy.

Today can be a difficult day of celebration

But we cannot let that overcome us. 

Today we should be filled with gratitude,

But it's easy for us to feel grief.

Too easy.

While today marks your anniversary

A day that celebrates the anniversary of your wedding,

It may feel like you should be celebrating it together.

But…

You still are.

The date is significant, yes,

But what it signifies means so much more

On the day of your wedding, 

You created a life together

A very good life together.

That day created happy

and beautiful homes,

An example to lead by,

A comfort to believe in, 

And more importantly,

One to count on.

That day created a beautiful world, 

Full of swimming,

Flame burgers,

Head banging,

Endless Dancing,

Pate and Brie with green apples

Thanksgiving football games

Lobster and Filet Minon- Med rare of course.

Family game nights and Bingo

Oakland A's Games

Summers stacking cousins in the house like Jenga blocks,

Oh, and sleep depriving noise

of Jenga blocks...

falling on the wood table in the kitchen.

The Sounds,

Sites,

Smells,

Serenity,

All unforgetble.

No part of your union has ever stopped.

Together you have created a never ending,

Forever remembered,

Continuation of the love you shared with each other,

And the love you gave and showed to each and every one of us. 

That is something special to celebrate!

Happy Forever Love Legacy Day!

-From Afar,

         Kitten

And Kudos to you guys for putting up with all of us crazies for so long!--

→But you are partially responsible

WE ALL LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!

The Biggest Kid

 Hello world! 

A few posts back I wrote about a piece dedicated to the memory of my grandfather, and how it provided healing and closure for me, and I promised to include it in a future post. So without further ado...

The Biggest Kid

Easing towards the corner, I crept up as stealthily as a giddy seven year girl could possibly muster.  With my nose pressed against the wall, I slid over just enough for one eye to peer down the hall.

Sploooosh!!

Blasted square in the eye by the most heinous streams of water.  Through the pain and the flooded eyeball I could see him. Still standing there with the giant “Rambo” water bazooka held up to his face, and only his giant smile was visible.

“Hehehehehe” He giggled mischievously then dashed behind the wall still chuckling at the perfect shot.

“Time-out!!!” I yelled sternly

“No time-outs!” he returned disappointedly from behind the cover of the kitchen wall.

There he stood, like I will always remember him- looking goofy and wild eyed behind his Jerry Lewis glasses.  Fitted in his three piece black suit, dress shirt unbuttoned at the top, and a pair of black Stacy Adams shoes.  Not a day went by that I ever saw him wearing anything less than a suit. He was half grinning with his Rambo gun down at his side.

Seeing him with his guard down I quickly lifted my AR-51 assault water rifle, pulled the trigger and laughed hysterically as it pumped water in quick powerful bursts right into his  chest.

His giggle returned as he retreated once again towards the kitchen and called me a "jerk".

I could hear him creeping around the other side of the wall trying to sneak up on me. Very quietly I approached the rest of his guns, climbing up the trunk and slowly pulling the last machine gun off the wall,  placing the strap around my neck and shoulders.

Suddenly there was a loud thump, then a chuckle followed by the sound of water blasting, then a scream…

“Dad!!” 

Leaping from the trunk with the gun still on my shoulder, towards the end of the hallway, I came upon  a sight like no other. The walls were drenched with water. Droplets fell from the ceiling- and in the middle of it, my mom, soaked from chest down with her hair sticking to her neck and face, fuming.

Every breath in my lungs escaped me as I rolled on the floor laughing uncontrollably.  My grandpa just stood there like a child about to be in big trouble. 

We spent almost every Easter with my mom’s dad, “Grandpa Tito” is what we called him. We would go to this huge  park near San Francisco and have a big family picnic.  My mom would always dress me and my sister in these frilly white dresses with leggings and little white fancy shoes. She’d put our hair in perfect curls and tried to match our outfits as closely as possible. I was a tomboy and hated every minute of it.  At least until we got to the park.  

Within minutes of arriving my sister and I would lay on the grass and roll down this huge hill towards the picnic tables. 

“Do you see what they are doing?” exclaimed my mom to my dad.

“ I thought your dad was supposed to be watching them!”

Oh, he was. He always had his blind eyes on us. But not quite the way one would think.

 Not too far behind my sister, was my grandpa, with his hands above his head, barrel rolling down the hill just like we were. My dad would just smile in his biggest grin and laugh it off. 

“At least you already took some pictures.” 

 My mom didn't find it quite as funny.

                                                      ******

This is the way I will always remember my grandfather. The biggest kid of all. He loved us so much and he simply adored my mother. She was his everything. No matter what was going on in our lives, he was always there to take care of us. He helped with bills when times were tough, and made sure we had what we needed. On top of that, growing up with him was a lot of fun.

When I got older, I left my home town to pursue my career and started a family. I rarely came home to visit and often wasn't able to be present for many of the get-togethers. It was really hard on my family not seeing me,especially my grandfather. It caused a great deal of distance between us and our relationship was never quite what it used to be. At one point, I did return home. My grandfather was having trouble living by himself so I moved in to help take care of him, and to take some of the responsibility off my mom who was overwhelmed with everything, and under a lot of stress from the demand.  

For years I had told my husband about how wonderful my grandfather was- the fun we had and how he was always so good to us.  Unfortunately, the man I was now living with, no longer resembled the man I always spoke so highly of.  He was demanding, disrespectful, inconsiderate, angry and impossible to please. Still, I took care of him. I was patient with him, and treated him with the respect I felt he had earned while I was growing up.  But that wasn’t what he wanted.  I don’t think he even knew what he wanted.  Living with him became almost impossible. 

When he was being his most difficult, I just closed my eyes and reminded myself of the “grandpa” I always knew. He was still there inside of him, and there were moments when he knew it too. I think sometimes he did the same- tried to remind himself of the “grandpa” he used to be. Occasionally we shared the relationship we once knew, but those times got fewer and farther apart. We both knew things would never be the same, but all of me, and a part of him, still held on to those memories. 

Tensions rose between us, and I ended up moving out of his place. It’s not that I left on bad terms, but they were not pleasant either. Not for any other reasons other than circumstances, I didn't see or talk to him for several months after that. I never needed to ask how he was doing because my mom always offered it within the frustrated conversations about him when she returned from visiting him.  It was obvious things were not getting any better.

Looking back, I feel a bit regretful that I didn't realize what was going on. Having been a nurse prior to this, I should have recognized what his mannerisms and actions were demonstrating. My grandfather was beginning to show signs of dementia.  While he has always been a stubborn old mule, the dementia only amplified his obstinence, and added other “undesirable” attitudes towards those around him. In a clinical setting, it may have been easier to detect with those patients whose mental stability began to decline.  But when it happens to a loved one, you tend to take their behaviors personally and torture yourself with the question of “why are they being this way to me?” You don’t want to blame them, although it is too easy not to when it often feels like you are the target of their anger and frustrations. The truth is, they are dealing with much more than just wondering why they are being a certain way.  They are dealing with getting older and less independent, memory loss, grief from losing all of their friends to old age as well, the realization of how close death may actually be, the fear of what will happen to their loved ones when they are gone, and their overall health at the time. Those with dementia have all those fears, but often do not know how to deal with them on top of the emotional distress that comes with it. All of this can be overwhelming, and often causes them to lash out for what we may consider the tiniest of things. More than likely this is what was going on with my grandfather

Not too long after I moved out of his place, I moved out of state. But before this, I did see my grandfather one more time. It had been a few months since we last spoke, but he had come to visit my mom like he did every day, and I just happened to be there. When he left, I walked him to his car and helped him get in. I kissed him on the cheek, gave him a hug and told him that I loved him.  

That was the last time I ever saw or spoke to my grandpa. He passed away about a year later. It still pains me that I couldn’t attend his funeral. I tried everything in my power to make the trip but I was in no position to do so.  I picture him wearing the gleaming white three piece zoot suit with the gold dress shirt and matching handkerchief I had chosen for him. He wouldn’t have wanted to be buried any other way.  I had always been the one picking out his suits and dressing him to the nines.  It was a funny bond we shared,  that I knew exactly how he wanted to look, and he was always grateful for that. 

 I couldn't be more grateful for every good time we shared, and that I was given the opportunity to make things right between us-despite how unsuccessful it seemed at the time, at least I can say I honestly tried. Mostly I am grateful that I don't regret the last words I ever said to him. I told him exactly what my heart needed him to know and I hope he remembered those as my last words as well.

Reflection

Missing his funeral was one of the hardest parts of losing him. One would normally expect me to be the first one there and the last to leave, but never to not be there at all. I wasn’t there to honor his life, after his death, and it’s something I thought would haunt me for the rest of my life…until today

 This piece is in honor of him. In honor of the wonderful man he always was by loving his family so unselfishly, with such laughter, good times. In honor of the very strange, although well intended things he taught me, all the weddings and parties we used to swing dance together, and all of our long walks and short trolly rides. I write this to finally honor all of the things I didn't get to say at his funeral, and many of the  wonderful  things I hope he knows that I loved so much about him.

En"Rich"ing your better self.

Hello my beautiful world. I hope everyone's days shines bright even if you are nocturnal— like me. Lol Yes, I am nocturnal. Not to be confused by night owls.

What's the difference you ask?  Night owls have some element of control over the hours in which they keep. Nocturnal, much like spiders, have no say in the matter and exist naturally under the light of the moon and not the sun. That is me, and that is who i am. Moving on…

Tonight was interesting. And not so much in a good way but in a very eye opening way. I have a really good friend who has only ever been respectful and fantastic to me. But tonight, I kinda messed up because I let my natural fight or flight instinct kick in when it was absolutely NOT necessary.  When you live a life of protecting yourself, and being your own warrior, it's hard to adjust to genuine, good hearted people. You spend so much time getting hurt, that, while unintentional, your self preservation interferes with people who are just as damaged as you are.

Re-building your strength is never easy. Finding someone who is trying to do the same without walking all over you is even harder. I get scared when people get close. Which is why I don't let people get close. Relationship trauma is something that has plagued me for years and because of my experience in life, I don't forget, but I fail to realize sometimes that there are people who are on a path as I am to meet genuine people with no intention other than to just exist without toxicity and drama, and for that I AM SORRY.
I am not perfect. And I am navigating uncharted territory when I encounter those who are NOT trying to get over on me or trying to kick me when I'm down. But I am learning to recognize this, and I am trying to find that fine line between protecting myself and allowing the good souls in- as few and far between as they are. So at my ripe old age of “none of your business”lol, I am at a pre-kindergarten age of seeing people in a different light other than constant protection mode. 

So to any of those who I encounter, know that I am kind, and good intentioned.  But I am a human who has live ** years of toxicity and I want nothing more on this earth than to change that energy. And I hope, if anyone else is in the same place, be patient with yourself,  and if a situation arises and you walk away feeling like an asshole, you probably are being one, so apologize! Even if life experience tells you otherwise, not everyone in this world is shitty… just saying.
Take care of each other. 
See you soon!!!

The Gift

 In all of my blogs, I like to keep a good variety of subjects and I would say that I hold that to be mostly true.  But just as in life, sometimes there are periods of time, where variation takes a backseat to addressing more important or pressing issues. My intention here is not focused on any one thing in particular, but when matters arise, they should be discussed. 
Before I get started, I want to include a link to a song that is very personal to me. It has been the “theme song” to all of my endeavors, challenges, and my overall position in life. I would like you to listen to it after you read this blog. I hope in some way it resonates with you, and if it does not, just know that the lyrics speak volumes about yours truly.  If you do listen to it before reading the blog, maybe listen to it afterwards as well and see if anything changes for you…
https://youtu.be/KxnpFKZowcs?si=q9tsNafIpyCu9JVa
On a personal level, lately I have been going through a lot of changes, reflection, introspection, and on a rare occasion, emotional meltdowns. While some may encounter similar situations calling it a weakness, I call it being human. And if you do not have those days, you are either lying to yourself, or you are not of this species- and I mean this from the depth of my soul.
There are people, such as myself, who have spent their whole lives being the “rock” for other people.  You are the strength that no one else has, the one who rises against injustices, the person no one ever sees cry, the shoulder to cry on, the one who “always has it together”, and a million other “knight and shining armor” images cast upon you. This is not a lie, or a facade. It is both a blessing and a curse. But more importantly, it is a HUGE responsibility.  This responsibility is accepted not by choice, but by destiny (for lack of a better term). Those who it is bestowed upon are subject to a life of conflict between both good will and loneliness.
The truth is that people need people- emotionally, physically, psychologically and intellectually. Our well-being is directly dependent upon the relationships we have with other people. When we don't have those relationships, we are feral at best. But even when we do have people in our lives, situations arise where something more is needed. When we reach breaking points, or have a decision we need to make or have made, or there's a shift in our norms such as a break up, a death, a job loss, or just the realization that our lives are not what we imagined. All human instances, all potentially painful, all requiring the understanding, and hopefully the compassion of another soul.  We cannot avoid any of these no matter how hard we try. Control is a literal illusion and if these events are meant to occur, they will, AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
But….
There are people. People who allow you to temporarily succumb to your sadness, express your anger or your disdain, to live in your moment of whatever emotion you need to express… to be your “rock”- to lean on, to cry to, to shout at, to be silent, to give you strength or solitude, to be whatever it is that you need to be at that time, and to allow you to live in the moment of your emotions so you can deal with them and move forward.
I am one of those people. I have been so my entire life. It is a massive responsibility and one of the loneliest gifts you could ever imagine. The ability to bring comfort to others is an amazing thing and I would not trade it for anything. But all good things come with a price. Every good deed I do, or kindness I show, is done so with the most purest of intention and with absolutely no expectation of return. But that is my own personal way. And while I do not ask for or seek anything in return, I continue to do so with full knowledge that for people like me, there is no reciprocity. I am the most optimistic, silver lining, always finding the good in all, positive being… but for me, there is not going to be someone who can be for me what I can be for others… at least not unconditionally, or permanently, or genuinely, and some days that can be a really hard pill to swallow. 
This acknowledgement will never prevent me from being that someone for someone. I will never shy away or back down from providing comfort to anyone. I will never expect anything in return, or turn anyone away, nor will I ever judge anyone who needs “a person”, because not everyone has been gifted with the strength I have been given, and for that I am truly grateful. 
-but PS. Some days, it sucks to be that strong. Lol.- just keeping it real. 
To all my rocks out there… In case no one has ever told you… Thank you. You are sooooo necessary, so amazing, so lovely, and selfless. There are more of you that exist out there, believe it or not. Stay strong, stay beautiful and stay grateful!! It's worth it, and so are you.
Take care of yourself!
See you soon.