Self-Imprisonment

 Hello beautiful world!! I hope everyone is doing well. I, myself, am still staying afloat- sure beats drowning!

So, today's lesson- just kidding.

Today I am going to throw you into a bit of my current personal life. Where usually I relate some theme to my personal life, today is specifically about my personal story. I will try to keep it brief, but only to a minimum which still gets the message across. 

So about a year and a half ago, I broke off the relationship with my son's father. Since that time, I have been telling people that I meet specifically "Do not fall in love with me". This is because of a few reasons. Mainly after being in an 18 year relationship, some bit of single-hood was due, but secondly, and most importantly, I really felt like I was incapable of loving again, quite to the degree that I had before. And being that I felt that way, I did not want anyone I was "dating" to expect something from me that I felt I could not deliver. I like to keep things 100% real, 100% of the time.

Last October (almost exactly a year ago) I met someone that I first called "Sunday" due to meeting him on a Sunday-go figure. He was a unique type of person, and not at all what my "type" was at the time so I kinda just brushed it off as whatever. He messaged me a few times, occasionally I messaged him back but I really did not take it with anything more than a grain of salt. At some point in the weeks following our first meet, he had mentioned something in one of his texts that I had said, and I was a bit taken back by the fact that he remembered something that I said casually, which I actually may have considered insignificant at the time. However, the fact that he recalled something so simple really resonated with me because for the first time in years, someone was actually paying attention to me as a person. So, bonus points for "Sunday"!

A few days later, I was hanging out at one of my usual watering holes and for some reason, maybe due to an empty stomach, I found myself to be more intoxicated than I like to be when I am out in public by myself.  It made me uncomfortable, and I was not going to drive home so I closed one eye and was about to start scrolling through my contacts, when who should pop up near the top on my text list? "Sunday". Normally I am a texter, but I believe at this point I actually called him and low and behold he answered! I explained my situation and within 15 minutes he was picking me up outside. 

So from this point we started to get to know each other better. We both were coming out of long term relationships and in no hurry to rush into anything. So we kept it like that, hung out regularly and still maintained our outside dating options with no promise of exclusivity. During this time, we got really close. We did so much together and had so much in common. Spent hours a night just talking in his kitchen about everything under the sun. Our conversation was easy, and effortless. We had the most undeniable chemistry in every shape of the word. The way we treated each other, with such respect, adoration and so unselfishly created this dynamic, exciting, and comfortable energy unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. We had such a wonderful time together, laughing, being absolutely silly together, and whole heartedly enjoying every second we spent together,  We could speak openly about how we felt and who we are, and there were literally no secrets between us. 

But even though we could talk about our feelings, the both of us held back something that was the most important thing we SHOULD have talked about, but didn't... US. During this entire time, both he and I were genuinely falling for each other. But unfortunately we had put this box around what we were and what we were not SUPPOSED to be. We were perfect together, but we told ourselves we couldn't be together, because of our own stupid brains ignoring our hearts. 

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. He was getting ready to go on his annual bike trip with his best friend and the week prior, I noticed a "shift" in his energy. I knew exactly what it was but I tried to quiet the noise in my head telling myself I was being ridiculous and I shouldn't be trippin' anyways. 

When he got back from his trip, we were both excited to see each other again... but then there was the "I met someone" text. I already knew in my stomach that he did because of the "shift" I was already feeling from him before he left. 

We still got together that night to hang out and in the process, I knew the conversation had to be had, and for the first time, I was honest with him and myself about how I really felt about him. 

I told him that I shouldn't have waited until he met someone else to tell him I was in love with him. That I had fallen farther than I ever  thought I could again. But the crazy thing is that it had been building up, and in a horrific coincidence, the day I finally admitted to myself how I felt, was the same day he "met" that other person.

 So what now?

Well, besides kicking myself in the ass for not telling him sooner, I care about him so deeply that I just want him to be happy-even if its not with me (hard words to swallow). So I am reluctantly, but genuinely giving him time to do what he needs to do and allowing him to give this other person a fair chance. I am stepping back and retreating to my life, and minimizing the amount of time I spend with him- not because I want to, but because I love him and his happiness means everything to me.

But just because I feel that way about him, does not mean I will allow myself to be anyone's second choice. I told him how I felt, and he made the choice to be with someone else... someone with whom he has no history, no genuine connection, someone who isn't me... 

So I feel no guilt for the things I didn't say, because I said them, and they didn't mean the same to him, because if they did, we would be together, as a couple, and holding each other right now...

Moral of the story- listen to your heart. Life and opportunity are too short to express how you truly feel especially in the matters of the heart. Don't imprison yourself with your mind, follow your heart and let it speak.  Only then will you know how someone really feels about you...

For  Brien...