February 20

 Hello beautiful world.I hope you are all practicing kindness and gratitude and spreading it all around everywhere.

I have to be honest and say that today is bittersweet- just as it has been for officially 5 years now. Today marks the birthday of absolutely the most beautiful woman I have  ever known. It also marks the 5 year anniversary of her passing, but she would never want us to remember it that way. Still, it is hard not to be saddened by her absence. 

So despite the eye waterfall which is literally taking place as I am writing this, I am going to share a couple funny and wonderful things about her in her honor- because that is what she would want me to do and I would literally have done anything for her just as she would have for me.

So, sit back and enjoy a couple  of my favorite memories with me. There’s so many, but I will save some for next year. Lets start with one that might be my favorite little secret between us…

Tequila…lol. 

One random night when I was in junior high, she pulled out a bottle of jose cuervo gold and put it on her coffee table in the living room. She then placed  on top of it, this miniature black serving tray with little gold and white flowers which had some quartered lemons and a small shaker of salt. Now, the funny thing about this is, that she NEVER allowed anyone to eat or drink ANYTHING in her living room. She poured two shot glasses and handed me one. I was literally shocked. I had never drank before but who was I to refuse such a once in a lifetime offer??? She was letting me drink something in her living room!!lol.She didn't say anything. She just curved her left hand, poured some salt and held a slice of lemon, then looked at me as if to say “your turn”. Of course I did exactly as she did. Then with her right hand, she picked up her full shot glass, looked at me again, so I picked up mine. Then she licked the salt, took the shot, and bit the lemon…. The important thing to note here is that it was a lemon and not a lime. Lol. So, I followed suit. 

I honestly cannot recall how the rest of the evening went, but I know we laughed a whole lot. We never spoke of it again, and I don't think we ever did it again. But, I will never drink tequila with anything other than a lemon- and Im pretty sure, I never told anyone in the family until now. 

Also in junior high, she used to pick me up every day from school. The school I went to seemed to plague myself and my younger siblings with very bad fortune. One day, some random girl I didn't know literally attacked me in the locker hall over a misunderstanding. I ended up getting to Manga’s car a little later than usual and sat inside without saying anything.  She was wearing her usual beautiful smile when she greeted me. When I stayed quiet she looked at me and said “What's wrong, Mija?” I told her what happened and she inhaled sharply putting her hands to her mouth. Tears streamed from her eyes and she turned off her car. “Those Bitches!!!” she shreaked as she went to grab the handle of her car door “where are they??” .I couldn't help but laugh a little as I shook my head and told her “It's okay, Manga.” 

She was so ready to kick whoever’s ass she needed to at the moment. I truly believe she had more balls than I did at that moment and I don't think I ever heard her swear in all my years I knew her.  I guess that's part of where I get my gangster from….

I could go on all day with so many wonderful memories but for now, I will share some of the many things she taught me. I have already mentioned how she taught me how to be a good woman, “wife/partner”, how to cook always from scratch, how to make the perfect thanksgiving dinner, how to swim when I was only a few months old, how to clean-like, REALLY clean, how to drive, and how to drive a stick shift, how to always treat people with kindness, to wear a smile as often as you could, to play cribbage, to give great hand massages, to love unconditionally, and  without knowing it, she taught me to try to be a as beautiful of a person on the inside as she was. 

Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. For a long time, I was going through some very difficult personal times and I didn't reach out to her as much as I should have and a part of me still has regrets that I was not as good of a granddaughter to her in the end as she always was an amazing grandmother to me. And while I cannot change that, I know there was one final lesson she did teach me after she was gone. 

“Love while you still can… and don’t let anyone leave this earth without them knowing how much they mean to you.”

Manga left behind someone very special. Someone who loved, cherished, cared for and adored her for over 50 years. An amazing man, husband, father, great grandfather, and grandfather. So, grandpa, I want you to know how much I love you, and how grateful I am that Manga had you in her life and how grateful I am to have always had you in my life. You gave me my nickname. So in her honor, I am going to bug the hell out of you with my random video chats, and silly facebook posts, drink recipes, and whatever else it takes for you to know how much you are appreciated for the rest of our time together, because there is a HUGE part of her inside me, and the last thing we would ever want is for you to feel like she is missing from your life. 

I love you both so much and I look forward to more memories together- like I said yesterday… you are not done until I am too old to do things!!!

Happy Birthday, Manga.

Not All Angels Have Wings

 The world of an independent woman is a tricky one to navigate at best. Add the fact that this particular woman is a single mom… good luck to anyone that tries to be a part of whatever the hell she is doing. Because nine times out of ten, this woman does not know what she wants… but… she absolutely knows what she does NOT want.

So as you all know, I spent 18 years with the father of my son. We never married, but after 18 years, WTF is the actual difference. For reasons the universe only knows, we were not meant to be together in the end. And he actually TOLD me that many moons ago when I was so head over heels in love, that I couldn't even fathom the concept of it.

However….

He could not have been more right. But shhhh please don't tell him. The last thing I need is him knowing he was actually right at some point. Lol.

Fast forward to today.  Him and I are good. We have an understanding that we were at one point a family, and due to a shared DNA of an amazingly fantastic offspring, we are forever united for that one and only purpose. 

Ok, moving to the point of this blog. Lol.

After being in such a long relationship, you learn a lot about yourself. And when you are the one that ends the relationship, you learn even more. 

You go through a period of reflection, and sometimes guilt and questioning. But you cannot ever second guess your decisions because you made them for a reason. And who in their right mind is okay with being questioned on the decisions they make- especially when they are utterly heart wrenching??? 

But at some point you need to ask yourself… What do I REALLY want??? And then you get absolutely NO answer. Literally.

So then you have to ask yourself… What do I NOT want??? 

And then you go from there. At least you finally have a definitive starting point and that puts you way ahead of most of the world around you,

In my life today, I have a 17 year old son who has miraculously thrived despite the literally fucked up situation he was exposed to most of his life. I am EXTREMELY particular about who I bring into our environment which is precisely why he has never met anyone i have ever been on dates with. 

The truth about me is that I am hyper-independent. Been that way my entire life to the point where I can pinpoint the exact moment, day, time, reason, why that happened. Story for another day, but if someone wants to be a part of my world, they would have to be the PERFECT combination of…. Having an intellect of something I know nothing about, have street smarts, respect and appreciate their mama!, respect themselves, appreciate traditions and old-school values, be hard working, tenacious, and vivacious.

The rest of my requirements are purely selfish but necessary…. I Love latino men. Oh baby! Lol. Must be five foot ten or taller, hygienically conscious, fun loving, open to do whatever the hell I feel like doing in the moment, at any time, day  or night, and basically a willing participant to the life that paves the way for maximizing happiness and pleasure. Wink wink.

So you know that movie where you are in the elevator with your crush and you fantasize him pushing you against the wall and ravaging you until the next floor when the doors open up and others enter… yeah. that. .. FOUND IT!!!

And have you ever had a conversation with someone, but get completely lost in their smile and/or eyes, or the way  their lips look when they speak??? FOUND THAT.

Have you ever spent an evening with someone that basically fulfills all of your physical needs, but doesn't say “no” when you ask for more? Oh yeah, FOUND THAT TOO.

You lay next to this person, and they snuggle into your neck with their perfect lips…. Then… well, you know…

I'm not trying to divulge all of my personal exploits, nor am I trying to make anyone jelly. Hee hee.

But in this day and age, and at my ripe old age of NunYa! Lol. meeting someone who gives you all of the nuzzles and giddies that were supposed to exist as a “young teenager exploring so many firsts” you kinda have to give credit where credit is due.

I am not saying I am in love, I am not saying I am in a relationship or situationship by any means. I am just happy to have met someone who knows when and where to tell me “no” and lets me be me-which lets him be him and we both get to enjoy the fruit of our ridiculously hard working lives with someone else who can appreciate all the little things about ourselves. 

So to him… thank you… lets just keep having the fun that we both enjoy!!!!

Find your happiness in this world everyone!!! It's a greater joy than any monetary riches that ever existed!!!

Take care and see you soon!!!