Part 1

 Happy New Year! Hope it is happy so far. Mine has been the usual up and down and all the way around.  Some good news, some horrible news, some improving the new and some changing the old.  

I have intended on keeping this blog pretty lighthearted. Maintaining the humor but keeping it at an appropriate level as to not make it seem like i am insensitively poking fun at matters which are truly not meant to be funny.  At the same time, this blog is ultimately about life. And life as we know it, is not always funny.  While you may not laugh at everything i write, I don't want anyone leaving here feeling bad about anything either.  So on that note, this will blog will touch on the last and one of the most important things on the list of what you may get out of this blog, that i mentioned on Day 1  Blog--

HEY!!! NO CHEATING, STAY HERE. DONT GO BACK TO DAY ONE JUST YET.  

I think you will figure out what it was by the time this blog concludes, and if not, I will reiterate it in one of the closing lines. 

I will tell you honestly that this blog is going to be a difficult one for me.  I am probably releasing the flood gates from my eyes already, lol.  I am not the most of emotional people. In fact i have been told I am emotionally hard and insensitive. This is SSSOOO not true. I just don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, and have a firm grip on when I believe emotional exposure is appropriate. That combined with the fact that i have been dealt some pretty hard blows in my life, that it takes a bit more for me to be affected by things that may crumble others. 

But there are  a few situations and people that just get me every time.  So grab your tissues, or your handkerchief, or the sleeve of the person sitting next to you;) and if you choose to listen, thank you, if you don't- i understand- just never come back here again, you, you JOY CHASER!!! lol just kidding.  

I mentioned my grandmother, Manga in an earlier post. And while it was brief, there is not enough ink or paper in the world that could ever fit all of the wonderful things I could say about her.  I spent most of my childhood with her, and a lot of my tween years until she ended up moving out of state. Devastated me to the core. But when i got older, i tried to make it a habit of surprising her, and my grand father (equally wonderful) by showing up at their house a day or two  before Thanksgiving and knocking on their door.  Grandpa always was the one to open the door and when he did,  his eyes would light up, he would put his hand over his heart and take a few steps back pretending to stumble in shock. I could hear my grandma, Manga, call from the kitchen, 

"who is it Ron?" Ron is my grandpas name. 

And he wouldn't say anything, he would just open the door a little further so she could see who was at the door.  She would turn her head looking over her shoulder and when she saw it was us, she would pause for a split second as if she was hallucinating, and let out this beautiful half shriek, half yell, all tears and surprise, put her hands over her mouth and then run to the door with her arms open wide. 

Home at last . 

She always wore the same perfume and their house always smelled like something wonderful cooking. Her hugs were amazing and she would hold onto you until she felt she had caught up on all the hugs she missed out on since the last time she saw you.  

Growing up she took such good care of me and taught me so much. She had rightfully earned the title of my guardian angel well before she actually became one. She was beautiful inside and out and she was full of love.

On February 20, 2021, the day of her 76th birthday, she passed away. It was unexpected but her later years she had been dealing with some health issues. I was crushed, still am. There is a lot of regret for not being quite as good of a granddaughter as she was good as a grandmother.  Then there is the regret that the day before her birthday, I was writing her a birthday poem. And while i was writing it, i held it for a second and something told me she would never read it. There was litteraly less than three hours until her actual birthday, but for some reason I knew, that by the time was intending to read it to her the next day, it would be too late.  I talked myself into thinking i was being ridiculous and to stop thinking negative thoughts, put the poem away and went back to work.  The next morning, I had a missed call from my sister-we are close but don't tend to keep in contact as much as we should. Her "butt" calls me more than she does, and unfortunately, the same for me.  I didnt need to call her back because i already knew. I didnt want to call her back because then it would be confirmed, but i did, and it was exactly what i suspected- and feared above everything.  I couldnt bear the thougt of going to work after such news but my intention was to fly out to see my grandfather and be with him a few days.  I couldnt afford it though, and would have to work that night if It was even an option.  So somehow i pulled myself together and got ready for work. 

At the time i was a bartender at a casino. I was always cheerful and outgoing and social. Its a small town and a good majority of my patrons were regulars who had gotten to know me and my general upbeat nature.  So i knew that they would instantly notice my change in demeanor that night. So i got a note card, scribbled a few things on it and within minutes, one of my first regulars looked at me and said,  "is something wrong?" To which i looked down and handed him the note card. He read it, and i could see the immediate look of sad on his face when he looked up at me, but then he said, "can i get a beer and a shot please". That note card just barely saved my sanity that night. kept my composure until the minute i left eyeshot of customers during breaks or lunch, when i would burst into emotional devastation. But i managed to make enough in tips to cover plane tickets for myself, son and partner to fly up to their house, and surprise my grandpa in usual fashion.

Unfortunately there is a part 2 to this blog. I have to take a break for the sake of my own emotional wellbeing.- and because the part 2 of this is requiring another unexpected trip of me, that i need to prepare for- but more on that later.

 So you will also have to wait to find out what list item that this blog is about. 

oh and if you want to know what was on the note card-this is what i wrote...

"I just lost my grandmother today. I am not okay. Please do not hug me or ask me if I am ok. I am trying to hold it together, so please just keep me busy."

Thanks for reading. See you soon.

Take care.