What kids?

  Hello all. Hopefully everyone is doing well.  I had an interesting day at work today. I will spare you the details and just say that I am happy to be safe at home, in the comfort of my keyboard. Thanks for joining me. 
    So today I would like to let you all in on a little secret. Well, a couple of secrets actually. But before I do, I will share with you a little story- completely relative to the eventual point of this post.  ok, so...
    A few years ago, my partner was a groomsman in a wedding. The bride/groom did not have children at the time, so when it came to the usual pre-wedding festivities, rehearsal dinner, etc., they had a pretty strict  no-kids allowed policy-understandable. Well, when it came to the rehearsal dinner, my partner and I had absolutely no other childcare options, so either we did not go (which wasn't going to happen) or our son came with us.  So we opted for the latter.
    So our son, two or three years old at the time, (which would normally be the most difficult of ages) sat between my partner and I  throughout the entire dinner. At the end, the bride comes up to us and asks us when our "sitter" dropped off our son. A little confused but somewhat knowing what she meant, we asked "what do you mean?"
    "Your son? When did the sitter drop him off?"
    "We didn't have a sitter tonight. He has been here the whole time"
Now, I don't know what was my favorite part about the conversation- the fact that we had such a well behaved child that he could sit without incident for the entire two hour dinner among adults, or the expression on her face when she found out he had been there the whole time, without even the slightest hint that he was there. Either way, she told me later that she was impressed at how well he behaved, and was still in shock that they had no idea he was there. 
****
So now comes the secret I told you I would share with you.  Now I am in no way an expert, nor am I a professional in any psychology or child development field, I am just a parent, who, actually am not a fan of children in general- at least not as I have encountered them.  And I never actually intended on having them at all.  I never had one of those ticking clocks-as they put it, nor did I fantasize about being a parent at all.  I was perfectly ok with never having them. 
However, when I met my partner, he had two daughters already, and he was such a wonderful father, and the bond between them was so unique and special, that for the first time in my life, I actually considered the possibility of maybe. So we decided to take steps to find out if I was in fact able to have children, because at the time, I had some medical issues that may have prevented the possibility. So we committed to just taking a test to see if it was possible.  Before I could take the test,  I found out I was actually pregnant.  Now, I told him and everyone else at the time, that IF, big IF I was to ever have a kid, it would be one boy and that was it. I would be done. It could not be a girl, it had to be a boy, and only one.  
    Luckily I got my wish. The most perfect little boy, with the biggest heart and so beautiful inside and out. Still to this day he does not let a day go by without telling me he loves me and makes sure I get my minimum of daily hug--and he is thirteen now, and still does this.
    Getting back to my point. So how does such a wonderfully behaved child come to be? Besides a lot of love, positive attention, and even more love, there are some secrets too.

    We have all been to restaurants where there is one family with that one or couple of kids who can't sit still, get up and wander, make a lot of unnecessary noise, disruptive, tantrums, etc... 
And we ask why do they act like that or why do their parents let them act like that? Simple. 
Because they are in a situation that they are not familiar with and they have no idea how to act. You see, the problem here lies in the fact that these kids don't get to go out much. Their parents leave them home, with sitters, other family etc, so when they go to a restaurant, they have no idea how they are supposed to act or what they are supposed to do. So they resort to their most primitive behaviors- exploration, vocal expression, squirmy-ness when forced to sit in a high chair or an uncomfortable dining chair, eating food they are not familiar with. It is completely foreign to them, and for valid reasons.
    As soon as my son had enough of his immunizations to be out in public as a baby, I took him EVERYWHERE with me; grocery stores, restaurants, running errands, appointments, literally everywhere.  He did everything with me.  He eventually became accustomed  to being out and about, so being out did not seem so foreign.  There was no unfamiliarity as to how to act because it was nothing new. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him, therefore he could act accordingly. 
To this day, at the age of 13, I still have had no behavioral issues or conflicts with him, almost at all-but hey, there is still time right? 

Secret #2
I am not sure where this came from, or what made me come up with it, but when it comes to addressing bad behavior, or “scolding” a child ( I am not really a fan of this word, but you get the idea) How do you do it? Do you stand over them, talking down to them addressing it with your finger pointed at them angrily? Sure, if you want to make them feel like crap. Try something different.  Bend down on one knee, get down to their height, and situation yourself just below their eye level. Now explain to them calmly what they did, why it is wrong, and what to do in the future if something like that should happen again. Make sure you maintain eye contact and some form of (appropriate) physical touch like holding their hand.
What does this do? For one it teaches them that when something is important, you maintain eye contact. Their physical touch shows that you still love them and you are not angry with them (even if you are upset). But most importantly, you show them that you are looking up to them.  By cowering over them, you make them feel inferior.  You are talking down to them. Isn’t it more important that we try to raise our children up, not push them down? We don’t want to bully our children. We want to raise them confidently.
Speaking of confidence, let's move to the next secret.

Secret #3
When my son was four or five, we had returned home from a shopping trip. The day had been one of nightmares, from being late to something important, to forgetting my debit card at the grocery store, it was hotter than hell outside, I hadn't had a chance to eat that day, I had a headache , and broke a shopping bag on the way up the stairs.  So, needless to say I was already a bit on edge. While making dinner, I knocked over the jar of spaghetti sauce and it shattered into million pieces and the contents splattered the entire kitchen like some horrendous crime scene.  Probably still swearing a bit, my son came in to investigate.
“Oh my gosh what a mess. Is dinner almost ready?” 
Enraged by the whole situation, and irritated at him having the nerve to ask me if dinner was ready when it was obviously painting the kitchen already, I lashed out.
“Are you freaking kidding me???!!!” I stomped like a child to my room, slammed the door, and sat on the bed burying my face in my hands.
A few breaths later and I looked up by the door. Next to it, I kept one of those photo strips that you get at arcades where you can take multiple photos and they all print out on the strips. There was always one of me and my son making the same goofy faces with each other. I purposefully kept it there so it was the last thing I saw before I started my day because it always made me smile.  
This moment did so many things for me. I asked myself, “what am I doing? “
If I wanted to raise a confident little boy, I can’t have him thinking that my bad days have anything to do with him. If I continue to act like this when something goes wrong, he is always going to think that “mommy is in a bad mood and it is all my fault” That is never what I want.  I want him to know that people are going to have bad days, but never to suspect that it is because of anything he did or didn’t do. 
So I gathered myself together, opened my door, and found him sitting quietly on his bed.  I got on one knee next to him. Held his hand and looked him right in the eyes. 
“I am sorry I yelled at you. You did nothing wrong. I am having a bad day and it is not your fault. You are the best part of my days, and I need you to know that my bad days are never because of you or anything you did or didn’t do.  I love you, and I am sorry for yelling at you. “
He hugged me and in that moment, I learned the single most important thing- how to apologize genuinely and the value of what it can do for a person. 
So what is the secret?  Never takes things out on your children. Don’t allow your child to ever feel like YOUR bad days are their fault. This only leads them to feeling guilty over nothing, usually not understanding why. Show them that they are a positive in your life and never a negative. This can lead them to be confident and by teaching real apologies (the way my son showed me indirectly) it makes them more self aware as well as being aware and cognizant of the emotional well-being of others. 
****

Now there are a couple more very important secrets that I would like to share with you, but like they say, never give away all your secrets at once! Plus, this is a blog and not a novel, So for now, you have a few to get started and we will continue this another time. 

I do want to just leave you with a few final thoughts:
We are not here to brutally teach the way of the world to our kids.  We really need to learn how to do it with a little more finesse and compassion.  We cannot expect them to know what we know or punish them for not knowing- it is our job to teach them. Just be aware of what exactly we are teaching them, because how we raise them will affect an entire world around them as they get older. The point here is that we all have the potential to really screw up our kids. But there is greater potential to help them become the best versions of themselves that we can- confident, smart, personable, healthy, and kind.  None of this is possible if we don’t help and support them. 

Now, like I mentioned before,  I do not claim to be any form of an expert, nor am I educated specifically in child development. Anything I share here is purely based upon both observations, and my personal experiences.  And knowing that all kids are not the same, these kinds of things may not work for everyone, and each parent has to make the decisions they feel is best for them and the ones they are raising.

Thanks for being here!

Take care.

Questions, anyone?

Hello bloggees! Welcome back to another episode of 'whatever comes next'.  Always an adventure, and to quote the great Forest Gump, "...You never know what you're gonna get."So I have decided, unpurposefully, that my summer blog theme is going to be "questions". Because, well folks, it is a questionable world out there right now. Maybe more so than it has been in a long while.  

But anyways, my question for everyone is about questions.  Let me backup a minute and give you some lead-up.

Most people have other people they can turn to for advice, and generally that person may provide trustworthy opinions mixed with a touch of  guidance. We will call these people 'Advisors' - betcha didn't see that coming, lol.  So these advisors can usually be pointed out as having a lot of experience in something, including life itself, and/or educated and/or intellectual.  We all know someone who fits this profile.

Well this is great and all- for the seekers of advice, but what happens when the advisor needs advice? Like, for example, where would Merriam and Webster or Oxford go if they had no idea what a certain word means? Seriously! This is a genuine question, because who do people turn to that are usually the ones that others turn to when they need help? 
I have found that I am often the one that others turn to, especially in my family, when they have questions about almost anything.  They all know that I have always read anything I could and when it comes to not knowing a fact, I will research the hell out of it until I feel satisfied that I know enough about it.  Call me odd, but when I don't know something that I think is important or necessary, it literally makes me feel uneasy or anxious.  Once I have done some research into it, even if not thoroughly, it actually calms my nerves a bit. Weird, right? 

That being said, I have a pretty expansive knowledge base about some really important things, with the side effect of being a knower of the most useless information (which I disagree because it helps to win trivia games-another one of my favorite things to do      [a secondary side effect of this is the fact that I am sometimes accused of cheating, because how on earth would i know that Marilyn Monroe was actually a true redhead, not blond or brunette? See what I mean?]

Okay, sorry, getting back on track now...

So in addition to my family, for example,  coming to me for knowledge based questions, some of them ask for personal advice as well. If it was me, I would want to know the honest truth, not just hear something they think I want to hear.  I would want an unbiased opinion, based on the facts of the matter, and after hearing either the whole story or both sides of the story, combined with the facts of the matter.-You would be really surprised at how hard it is to find this type of person.  But this is generally my personal approach to giving any advice or guidance.  

I am the type of person, and have been in this exact situation, where you have one person asking the advice from a group of friends who all say "oh, yes for sure, definitely, yes." and then there is me, the sore thumb that says "oh, hell no." Oh the looks I get when they realize that I may have just upset the balance of agreeability.   And it is not that I am purposefully trying to go against the group, which can be interesting in some situations, but I am genuinely giving my advice based on all aspects of the situation.  This is also the point where I am often accused of being insensitive or cold. I'm really not. I have a few tear triggers, not many, but they do exist.  

The truth is, that if I was seeking guidance I would want the same respect of an honest, unbiased opinion with a legitimate rasional  behind it. Even if the end result is undesirable, at least I can say that it was well thought out and pursued in good faith, or good cause, or any other good. 

So going back to my initial question? Where do the advisors go for advice?  I can't really go to my girlfriends when I need advice about an issue with my partner, because, hey, let's be honest here, girlfriends have a tendency to automatically take your side, that is why they are your girlfriends. Great for fights, horrible for advice.  And I can't go to another guy and ask his advice, (not that I actually have any that I would go to) bc that guy is going to fall under one of a few categories, 1) they really don't give a crap about your problems, let alone hear about them, 2) they are opportunistic and have been waiting for the moment when there is a tiff in your relationship and they can now be extra comforting and available just to weasel their way into your good graces, and other things, 3) they are untrustworthy or just not either socially or intellectually inept to handle, let alone give advice on the matter, or 4) while not a category of men themselves but this would be the category of your male partner being absolutely pissed that you are discussing your personal relationships with any other man. 

Square one it is. So who is next? I could ask Dear Abbey (showing age here), but if she couldn't answer my questions, who would she turn to ???? Dun Dun Duuuuuuuhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhh. 

So feel free to chime in on providing guidance here, but only if you are educated, intelligent, full of life experiences(good, bad, questionable), completely unbiased, unconcerned with the opinions of the masses and/or status quo, not seeking anyone's approval, unbothered by people who disagree with you, don't value your opinion, don't like you or that cannot stand you.  All others, please move along.  Hee hee hee.

Thanks for being here! 
Take care and smile!

WTH?

 Hello my dear bloggees. I hope you are all well. This past month there has been a lot going on in the world, and while I intend to stick to my word about not complaining nor speaking of politics, there are a few things I would like to discuss, that are related to both complaining and politics, but I am not going to either complain nor speak about the political side of the politics.- but bear with me please. Most of this is going to be questions not opinions or answers.

Now unless you are, well, unable to hear or see, I am sure you are aware of the Roe V.Wade being overturned. Well, my question is, why? You have all of these protests now, but has anyone asked the question why? Seriously. Why all of a sudden is this even coming up.  They are taking a decision from the 1970s and out of nowhere decide they need to make a new decision.  I mean, don't they have anything better to do? We have so many other pressing issues with the judicial system that this just seems out of place.  I mean, lets just do away with Habeus Corpus and reestablish slavery while we are at it. -total sarcasm, I do not believe either of these should occur.

If they want to tighten regulations, ok, do it. But don't make this black and white, because the fact of the matter is that it is not black an white.  It really is situational. But has anyone asked the court why this is happening and what  influenced their decision??? If it were any of us going to court asking for a change or something to be put into effect, I know first hand that we are required to go through a lengthy written process of making the request AND more importantly, WHY we are making this request. So why are they not required to do the same. And what of a jury? shouldn't they be required to have a massive group of individuals assisting in the decision, not just a group of fellow lawmakers/judges, etc. which in it of itself is a bit bias, and may even be a conflict of interest-something that is a big NO in the legal system? 

I am in no way an expert here, and if I am way off base here, I am willing to hear it, but, man, what is going on in this world.  We have to follow the rules but the rule makers don't.

Anyways, I really never wanted to talk about this kind of thing here, but since I had to "vent" I suppose, I will keep it short.  Im done with my inneffective complaining now-actually it wasn't quite complaining, just asking questions.  But, I do have to close for now.  Would love to hear your comments, but for the sake of avoiding arguments-which there are enough of in this life, please refrain from stating whether you are pro or against anything related to this topic. Let's try to keep the conversation unbiased, educated and cordially informative. Thank you.

Be safe out there! Don't forget your smiles, and hugs to the ones that need one!!

Take care, 

The Mythery of Our Makings

 Hello ever expanding little world.-at least I hope it is. Because if it is shrinking, then that means I have disappeared!-Ponder that one for a minute...or two.

Okay, enough of the random shenanigans. Instead, the topic of today is, as the title states, The Mythery of Our Makings. 

No it is not a "mystery" typo, I do mean mythery- again probably not real word.  But what is it, you ask? Well, similar to a previous blog regarding the misconception of the meaning of the word "balance", this statement represents all of the things that we are taught to believe in, live by, and or depend on as being a constant, that are actually not quite true, or just plain don't make any sense as it applies to the real world. This would include quotes, idioms, well known sayings, etc.  But before I delve into the deeper side of things and make you really contemplate your existence as you have been taught, I will start you off with something on the lighter side.

#1) "Seeing is Believing". We have all heard and maybe said this before.  Why is this mythery? Answer: Blindness. If seeing is believing, then does this imply that those who are blind can never believe anything? That's terrible.***

*** Before I go any further, I just want to make it very clear that this particular blog is meant to be more humorous than informational or educational.  And while many of these mytheries exposed may actually make a lot of sense, or none at all, they are not intended to be, by any means, used as part of a valid and genuine or formal argument or debate.  However.... please feel free to use them if ever any of these topics should come up during a party where drinking is involved.  And as a second disclaimer, as it applies to Mythery#1- I am in no way making fun or saying anything negative about blindness, or the visually impaired-in fact, a large portion of my family are actually visually impaired, so don't take any of this the wrong way, please.*** 

ok, moving on...

#2. "Line it up with the horizon". Ok so this particular phrase could spark some additional debates but lets think about this for a moment.  We were all taught that the Earth is round, right? And for some, the earth is actually flat. But if round Earth is the status quo, then this phrase should actually be applicable only if we were trying to draw a curved line, not a straight, flat line. Don't you think? 

#3 "A penny for your thoughts." Um, hello, has anyone ever heard of inflation? I mean if you are asking for my thoughts and you offer me a penny, then obviosly my thoughts are of almost literally no value to you. I would rather tell you what I was thinking for free. My ideas, on the other hand, are going to cost you some serious coinage. 

#4 " A picture is worth a thousand words". I say, depends on the picture. As a writer, I guarantee my thousand words will tell you more about a picture than the picture itself. You would get the whole backstory, something maybe about the artist, and maybe even discover some hidden object puzzle within it that you had no idea was actually the point of the picture. A lot can be said by words...is this a pun here? if so, intended.

#5 "Are you a glass half empty or glass half full person?" Aah one of my favorites. Generally I give people an answer that they both do not expect and sometimes get a little pissy about. my answer: "Depends on what is in the glass!" Water-half full, beer-half empty.lol. It's mythery because its a question asking for a factual answer, yet, the answer can only be answered perceptionally. (Descriptional, Non-Existing Word [DNEW], again, I know, but it fits)

#6 "Ignorance is bliss". If this is true, does that mean that knowledge is misery? And that all happy people are dumb? I think not. Next!

#7 "It takes one to know one" While this may be ok if you are interjecting on an argument between to people other than yourself, but if someone insults you in this manner and you use this phrase in your own defense, then you are totally calling yourself out, and proving to the person who said it, that you are, in fact whatever they said you were.  Can we say, playing for the other team? Way to go traitor! 

I am sure there are much more that I have left out. So instead of saying goodbye for this topic. Lets just say-to be continued-sometime.