Demand Less... Get More

 Hello my dear ones! Hope all is well with each and every one of you.

Today I would like to start with a touchy subject… and then in usual fashion… go off on a completely semi-related tangent…

“Aging”

You know, it is a funny thing that even as you get older,  there are still those rare occurrences when you learn something new about yourself. Even if it is something you may already know, for some reason, it just "clicks" at one point. And no, i don't' believe the chance of this happening ever really ceases to exist, because as long as you maintain a desire to  continue to grow as a person, and then actually DO grow, it's definitely a forever possibility

That being said...

A bit about me, as  I know myself thus far...

I am very stubborn. There is no denying it.  And to catalyze it even further, I am also pretty intelligent.  The two combined make for a perfect storm of someone who, when they are right, or legitimately think they are right, will refuse to back down, or go against anything which opposes a fact, or concept.  It is a terrible blessing. 

So it should be no surprise that my path in life is paved by those who have no desire to  make things easy for me, and have more encounters with people that, for whatever reason,  find necessity in creating turbulence or instigating undue challenges.

But this is on the big picture of things, which I tend to be aware of, but do not allow it to be too influential on me. Awareness is 75% of winning the battle. 

So going back to the topic of the title...don't worry, I will get there eventually.

My nature is truly to be kind, and helpful.  I not only love being able to help people, but it is something that is instinctive to me.  I see an issue, and my first response is to try to resolve it, no matter who, what or how many are involved.  This tendency  also creates a panache  to  get things done.

I rarely complain about what needs to be done.  Rather than make a big deal about what is left undone, I would simply just do it. 

Unfortunately, this methodology is not universal. 

I enjoy doing things for people, going above and beyond without the need to be asked. I have a natural ability to recognize a need and I act upon it.

Such is the case in most instances, except...

…Expectations...

Did you know that Expectation is the first  ingredient for disappointment? Think about that for a moment. 

I am willing to do anything that needs to be done, for anyone who needs it. Untill...

….they ask for it or…

even worse, when they get upset when it is not done.

My former partner used to say that I would always not do something just because he wanted me to do it. There is a pinch, just a small pinch, of truth to that. The difference was that he believed this was something I did intentionally just despite him. Which was not the case by any means.  Now, I cannot confirm or deny that it may be my subconscious at play in that situation, because I really don’t know for certain.

The funny thing is that this is not unique to me or any of my personal situations. One of the most prominent examples is that of a teenager being asked to do something.  I have a 16 year old son and I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful he is, but that's for another post on a later day. Anyways, 9 times out of 10, when I ask him to dump the garbage or do some kind of chore, he will say,

“Well I was going to do it until you asked…or REQUIRED me to do it” sarcastically serious.

To which my rebuttal is almost always…

“Well, I know how you don’t like to be asked or reminded to do things, so I try not to. But at the same time, I can’t always wait around for you to feel like you want to do it, and I shouldn't have to do everything by myself, therefore I am forced to intervene.  So don't get all grumpy when I do, OR just get it done BEFORE I have to ask you!”

Talk about a twisted version of the chicken and the egg conundrum…sheesh.

BUUUUT… 

I can't say that I don’t completely disagree with him either, which is why I don't give him a hard time about most things.  Choose your battles right? And I don't want to be one of those nagging parents-                  

it's just as bad as that annoying micromanager who barely does their own job and surely doesn't know how to do yours, but they still try to tell you what to do.

So while there is no real moral to this story today,  instead, I leave you with a question to ponder…

“If we actually are unintentionally avoiding the things people ask us to do, why is our subconscious set in autopilot mode to do just that?”

Until next time…

Take care!

Don't pull the trigger.

I need to address a quick disclaimer regarding one of the newest trends on vlogs, and now works of literature…

Trigger Warnings”

 

The thought of “trigger warnings” included, embedded, preceded, blurbed, posted, and/or infringing upon in  any form of written literature, be it books, blogs, poetry, articles past present, and future, genuinely urks the living crap out of me.  You will never see any serious “warnings” about the content within my blogs, online writing portfolio (including all writings within that portfolio), stories and/or books written (distributed/non-distributed, published/not published).  Without getting into my opinion about the adaptation,  conformity and sensitization of our current state of society, I will just say that I find it ridiculous. 

Reading is an adventure… sometimes of the mind, the imagination, the heart and sometimes the soul. When we go on true adventures, we don’t know what is out there. There’s no “warnings” about what to expect. You don’t see signs in the wilderness that say “watch out! If you take this path you might get attacked by a painful memory!” The thrill of the unknown is a big part of any adventure, and I'm not a fan of spoilers in any way, shape or form because it takes the fun out of it. What good is an adventure without fun? 

Normally (but not always)  in most situations,  we do not pick up something to read and not know what we are reading or what we are going to be reading about. Books, for example, have “blurbs”. It's either on the back cover, or on one of the first opening pages of the book and it tells  you what it  is about. Any reasonable person could read the blurb and should have a good  idea as to what content may be included based upon its description. So if you pick up a book who’s blurb basically mentions “serial killers”, and you are triggered by the subject of “murder”, why would you read it, and why the hell do WE as writers, have to waste space in the front of our book with a “trigger warning”?????????????????

We have survived millennia of writing and beautifully crafted works of writings without “trigger warnings” and LITERALLY NO ONE has ever died purely from reading its contents.  By including one, I might as well say that we should go back and start adding them to the existing works of Shakespeare, Edgar Alan Poe, Maya Angelou, Steven King, etc.   

—--

Well look what just happened. I just created a blog based on something I said I would not dedicate even a page in a book for. Great. Thanks guys for keeping me on track. Well, I guess now you will have to wait for Part II. 

Shallow Puddle

 hello bloggees!!!

Where have I been? 

Well the short and honest answer would be…

“To Hell and back” and stopping at every gas station in between.

Lots of life changes, lots of really greats, and increasingly  minimizing the “not-so-goods”.

Progress.But as in usual fashion, you will not get the tea all in one cup. So, without further ado… 

Subjects related to “all occurring or previously occurred moments that have sparked, burned, lit, or heated the creativity flame of my being.”

Ahhh, dating. 

Ummmm dating?

Errr dating after 40…

I don't even know where to start with this one. (what else is new, right? ;)

I can only sum it up by one very honest, truthful, and painfully correct statement ever made about dating after long relationships (like 15+ years long).  

“The last time I was single I was 24 and the dating pool was everyone. And now it's like a shallow puddle of age-appropriate men who are old and gross and I don't want to do that!!!” 

Leslie Mann, The Other Woman (2014)

This could not be more true. 

The last time I was single I was 25, actually.. I am now 44 and have been single for a year now. I am in a new apartment, new city, new state, new job, new body and a fresh state of mind. 

So how does this all add up? 

Well, being in a new city/state, I really don't know anyone at all. It's over an hour and a half away from the last place I lived before moving here, so it's not some short drive to “hang out with old friends”. Making “new friends” here poses a new challenge due  to my work schedule.  I work 5 nights (11pm-7am) a week, including weekends, making any attempt to make new friends or to try to “date” extremely difficult to navigate. 

My new job was actually a promotion, which puts me in a position where I am now managing and supervising all of my previous  work friends (that I used to hang out with outside of work hours), therefore requiring (by personal choice) a significant decrease in the amount of outside interaction with them in order to reduce risk of conflicts of interest, and maintaining work-appropriate relationships, etc. 

This leaves me with maybe 3 or 4 friends outside of work, none of which share my work schedule so whenever we hang out, one of us is going to be suffering for it at work the next day/night.

But… on a positive note, my new job also is very physically demanding and has had a surprisingly beneficial effect on my overall physical being, aka, “new body”, which has led to increased morale, bump up in confidence and  a positive  “fresh state of mind”... so there's that.

That last change couldn't be more appropriate  and necessary when re-entering the world of dating after almost 20 years. 

Imagine 20 years of not being in the dating scene. Before I dive into the dating world as I know it now, let's go over some of the changes I have noticed.

1. Dating apps- like the ones on your phone- they did not exist when I was last single. I'm on the fence about them honestly. On one hand you have almost an unlimited amount of potential suitors in literally the palm of your hand. However, you don't know if they are real people, the options are a bit questionable, many of them are scammers, and many times-in my experience about 80% of the people who I have tried to set up meets never show up and you never hear from them again-sometimes they actually take down their profile the day of the first meet up. So that is a big waste of time especially for someone who’s time off is really limited.

2. ENM- this is Ethical Non-Monogomy. It's basically when a married couple allows the other partner to date outside of the marriage, sometimes having outside girlfriends or boyfriends.  This is not to be confused with “polyamory” which has been around for some time now, but the difference is that ENM couples do not share each other's partners. It is someone they choose outside of the relationship and it stays outside of the relationship but everyone knows about each other and everyone is essentially ok with it.   So how is this a change? Well, 20 years ago, if a guy was married, he would not tell you, sometimes until way later when you actually started liking the guy. And then youre the one that looks like a homewrecker.  Oddly enough, I find this change to be my favorite bc at least they are being honest for once.-Doesn't mean just because they tell me they are married and their partner is ok with it, it doesn't mean I am going to partake. 

3. My dating pool.  The earlier quote really did sum it up for me. Where once I could pick and choose who I wanted to date because the options were limitless, however the older you get, the less desirable your candidates are.  I look really young for my age. Most people guess 10 years younger than I actually am. Which is great, but unfortunately, most men have not aged so gracefully. After 35 it seems that men seem to age very quickly so 35 yr olds look 45 sometimes and 45=55, and i'm just not ok with that market yet. I'm ok with growing old together but we gotta be in it together. I'm just not attracted to older looking men yet.  On the contrary, I don't date under 30 because they just don't have the maturity level necessary to handle a super independent female. Plus, I have a teenager and I'm not trying to date anyone closer to my son’s age than to my own. 

I feel like in the world of dating, no one really knows what they want or where to find it.  You meet someone who says they want this or that, but then they don't make any effort to cultivate it. No one is going to hand you the perfect relationship. Another thing that I am finding, for men and women alike, is that people are avoiding serious relationships because of the toxicity or trauma from the last relationship they were in. They swear off relationships altogether.  I can't say I don't understand that situation. The last few years of my relationship was riddled with toxicity, infidelity and instability. I couldn't take it anymore. When I finally ended it, it was such a relief to feel free again and not trying to please someone who was never happy. It was about me for once and I hit the ground running.  I am in no hurry to get into a relationship. I don't know if I ever will again get into a serious committed relationship. But I’m not too worried about it, whatever the universe brings me, I will handle it when it comes. In the meantime, it's me time. 

If you are out there single, be careful. Take care of yourself. Even though not all situations can be prevented, try to minimize the possibility of something happening by being smart about the people you meet and the people you allow into your life. 

If you are in a toxic relationship that you feel you can't ever leave, there are ways. No one should be miserable with their partner or afraid of anything.  You have more strength within you than you could ever know. You just gotta quiet the noise inside and listen to that deeper inner self- it knows you better than you do.!

Be safe out there everyone

Take care!!