Shallow Puddle

 hello bloggees!!!

Where have I been? 

Well the short and honest answer would be…

“To Hell and back” and stopping at every gas station in between.

Lots of life changes, lots of really greats, and increasingly  minimizing the “not-so-goods”.

Progress.But as in usual fashion, you will not get the tea all in one cup. So, without further ado… 

Subjects related to “all occurring or previously occurred moments that have sparked, burned, lit, or heated the creativity flame of my being.”

Ahhh, dating. 

Ummmm dating?

Errr dating after 40…

I don't even know where to start with this one. (what else is new, right? ;)

I can only sum it up by one very honest, truthful, and painfully correct statement ever made about dating after long relationships (like 15+ years long).  

“The last time I was single I was 24 and the dating pool was everyone. And now it's like a shallow puddle of age-appropriate men who are old and gross and I don't want to do that!!!” 

Leslie Mann, The Other Woman (2014)

This could not be more true. 

The last time I was single I was 25, actually.. I am now 44 and have been single for a year now. I am in a new apartment, new city, new state, new job, new body and a fresh state of mind. 

So how does this all add up? 

Well, being in a new city/state, I really don't know anyone at all. It's over an hour and a half away from the last place I lived before moving here, so it's not some short drive to “hang out with old friends”. Making “new friends” here poses a new challenge due  to my work schedule.  I work 5 nights (11pm-7am) a week, including weekends, making any attempt to make new friends or to try to “date” extremely difficult to navigate. 

My new job was actually a promotion, which puts me in a position where I am now managing and supervising all of my previous  work friends (that I used to hang out with outside of work hours), therefore requiring (by personal choice) a significant decrease in the amount of outside interaction with them in order to reduce risk of conflicts of interest, and maintaining work-appropriate relationships, etc. 

This leaves me with maybe 3 or 4 friends outside of work, none of which share my work schedule so whenever we hang out, one of us is going to be suffering for it at work the next day/night.

But… on a positive note, my new job also is very physically demanding and has had a surprisingly beneficial effect on my overall physical being, aka, “new body”, which has led to increased morale, bump up in confidence and  a positive  “fresh state of mind”... so there's that.

That last change couldn't be more appropriate  and necessary when re-entering the world of dating after almost 20 years. 

Imagine 20 years of not being in the dating scene. Before I dive into the dating world as I know it now, let's go over some of the changes I have noticed.

1. Dating apps- like the ones on your phone- they did not exist when I was last single. I'm on the fence about them honestly. On one hand you have almost an unlimited amount of potential suitors in literally the palm of your hand. However, you don't know if they are real people, the options are a bit questionable, many of them are scammers, and many times-in my experience about 80% of the people who I have tried to set up meets never show up and you never hear from them again-sometimes they actually take down their profile the day of the first meet up. So that is a big waste of time especially for someone who’s time off is really limited.

2. ENM- this is Ethical Non-Monogomy. It's basically when a married couple allows the other partner to date outside of the marriage, sometimes having outside girlfriends or boyfriends.  This is not to be confused with “polyamory” which has been around for some time now, but the difference is that ENM couples do not share each other's partners. It is someone they choose outside of the relationship and it stays outside of the relationship but everyone knows about each other and everyone is essentially ok with it.   So how is this a change? Well, 20 years ago, if a guy was married, he would not tell you, sometimes until way later when you actually started liking the guy. And then youre the one that looks like a homewrecker.  Oddly enough, I find this change to be my favorite bc at least they are being honest for once.-Doesn't mean just because they tell me they are married and their partner is ok with it, it doesn't mean I am going to partake. 

3. My dating pool.  The earlier quote really did sum it up for me. Where once I could pick and choose who I wanted to date because the options were limitless, however the older you get, the less desirable your candidates are.  I look really young for my age. Most people guess 10 years younger than I actually am. Which is great, but unfortunately, most men have not aged so gracefully. After 35 it seems that men seem to age very quickly so 35 yr olds look 45 sometimes and 45=55, and i'm just not ok with that market yet. I'm ok with growing old together but we gotta be in it together. I'm just not attracted to older looking men yet.  On the contrary, I don't date under 30 because they just don't have the maturity level necessary to handle a super independent female. Plus, I have a teenager and I'm not trying to date anyone closer to my son’s age than to my own. 

I feel like in the world of dating, no one really knows what they want or where to find it.  You meet someone who says they want this or that, but then they don't make any effort to cultivate it. No one is going to hand you the perfect relationship. Another thing that I am finding, for men and women alike, is that people are avoiding serious relationships because of the toxicity or trauma from the last relationship they were in. They swear off relationships altogether.  I can't say I don't understand that situation. The last few years of my relationship was riddled with toxicity, infidelity and instability. I couldn't take it anymore. When I finally ended it, it was such a relief to feel free again and not trying to please someone who was never happy. It was about me for once and I hit the ground running.  I am in no hurry to get into a relationship. I don't know if I ever will again get into a serious committed relationship. But I’m not too worried about it, whatever the universe brings me, I will handle it when it comes. In the meantime, it's me time. 

If you are out there single, be careful. Take care of yourself. Even though not all situations can be prevented, try to minimize the possibility of something happening by being smart about the people you meet and the people you allow into your life. 

If you are in a toxic relationship that you feel you can't ever leave, there are ways. No one should be miserable with their partner or afraid of anything.  You have more strength within you than you could ever know. You just gotta quiet the noise inside and listen to that deeper inner self- it knows you better than you do.!

Be safe out there everyone

Take care!!