Traumatic Experiences-Reframed...

 When do we reach our limits? When do we get to the point where we just will not tolerate the bullshit anymore? And does everyone get to that point or do some people just keep taking it and neglect their personal needs?

I for one have put up with more than I should have. But on the same note, I no longer put up with anyone elses nonsense. Sometimes your breaking point is a pivotal moment and sometimes it is nothing more than dealing with a life that you know you deserve so much better.

I speak about gratitude quite often.  I truly believe you cannot progress in life unless you are grateful for the things you currently have. 

As I mentioned before, I don't disclose everything about myself all at once and my openness is generally tied to a subject which I feel strongly about.  But today I am going to let you in on a very personal, difficult time in my life. My goal is not to sway you in any way shape or form but to provide an experience that quite possibly,  someone out there can relate to- as difficult as it may be, it is always better to know that there is someone out there that has gone through a similar situation. It's more therapeutic than you could ever imagine.

So my dear bloggees… strap on your seatbelts, it's about to be a bumpy ride..

In 2017, my world literally came crashing down. My partner at the time was recovering from a life threatening illness, neither of us could work..( and prior to this, he was the lead paramedic for a professional NFL team, and I was a nurse at a county jail) needless to say, we had been doing quite well for ourselves up until this time. But, what most people don't realize is that as humans we are all one bad paycheck away from disaster at any time in our lives. 

Our mortgage lender was literally the most shady lender in the history of the world and when we tried to modify, we were denied only to find out they had modified our mortgage and kept the money for themselves.--- FYI- I AM writing a book about the whole situation.

Moving on… our house was sold under our feet and the money we were supposed to automatically get, we ended up having to fight for it in court for almost a year. By that time we were evicted from the home we raised our kids in and worked so hard to have. 

From that point on, we spent 3 years living in our cars or anywhere we could afford to rest our heads. Despite the absolutely unfortunate situation, I did everything I could to keep my son in the highest of spirits and try to give him the best of everything I possibly could-focusing on the “fun” and treating it like an adventure rather than a tragedy.

November 2020, I made the very difficult decision to leave California- the state I was born and raised in and was completely faithful to, until the sentiment was no longer reciprocated. I uprooted my family, taking them away from the family we always knew and never looked back.

As difficult as it was, it truly was one of the greatest choices I ever made for my family.I ended up in (my thought process at the time) one of the most tombstone-esque towns imaginable, giving up my beautiful stilettos bc as I learned, you cannot wear stilettos in the desert- might a well be flats.

But it gave me the opportunity to start over. I got a job as a bartender in one of the biggest small town casinos and I got to know the community.  As “BFE” as it was, it provided an opportunity to start fresh and re-establish myself and more importantly, learn some things about myself that never had the chance to shine before. I finally got to live “MY” life.

There were some major changes to my family dynamic. Changes that were literally soul crushing and traumatic. But…

I survived.

And my driving force was gratitude… gratitude for the rundown trailer I lived in that provided a steady roof over my family's head. Gratitude for the landlord that threw away all of our leftover stuff when we moved out-but first gave me an opportunity to live in a safe, clean, very cute apartment which was the first stable dwelling we lived in in almost 4 years. Gratitude for the job I had in a city which was more than an hour and a half away and I had to commute, which sucked because I hate driving and it gives me anxiety.lol. But I busted my butt when I was there… and it didn't go unnoticed. 

Today, june 2025, I manage the beverage department of the biggest, most recognized casino in northern nevada and i now live in the same city.lol

  And going back to the original topic of this blog… I could not be here if I accepted anyone else's bullshit, or let anyone tell me what I can or cannot do… I had the goal of providing stability to my son, and even though some months are harder than others, I have done it. I still do it. And no matter what your circumstances are… you can too!!!

Take care little world! You are so much stronger than you even know! And I am here for you  if you ever need to talk about anything!!

See you soon!

What Lies Beneath

 Today I am going to touch on a very sensitive and personal subject. But before I do, I want everyone to remember that no one is immune to the things that can haunt us forever. We are all human and as strong as we are, or as we convince ourselves that we are, we are all still in fact human, and to feel, hurt, bleed, bend, break, bust or just to be, means that we should accept that there are things within our lives which we have no control over. Even if we think we do at the time, it can almost literally come back to bite us in the ass later.

Trauma

What does it mean? Cambridge dictionary defines it as severe and lasting emotional shock and pain caused by an extremely upsetting experience, or a case of such shock happening:

But just like any other word, it is not easily defined by one definition. 

Most people understand the general concept of trauma- something happens which has a lasting effect on the emotional wellbeing or psyche of a person.  But there is a sneaky part to trauma, a  dark side that can be far more debilitating than the initial action of it. It can lay dormant for any undetermined amount of time and then BAM!!! You find yourself 5150 in some mental institution.

While this is a possibility, it is a more extreme, although not uncommon, set of circumstances.  

Let's talk about “June” for a minute. June is a very strong minded, independent and motivated woman.  She is single and raising her child by herself. She has overcome an indescribable amount of hardships to get where she is and from the outside looking in, she embodies the image of a well put-together, and respectable woman who means business.

Last year she made the tough decision to leave her partner of 20 years. Despite her absolute love and dedication to him, she had to do what was best for her and her child.  On the outside, their love seemed solid and sure, and one of envy for those who yearned for the type of love they had. 

But…

June was enduring turbulence and turmoil. Disrespect, disregard, resentment, and agony. Emotionally tortured by the man she loved like she never loved anyone before. She gave him everything and it was never enough. He treated her like she was never enough. He blamed her for his unhappiness and for everything that had ever gone wrong in his life. He pushed her to the edge of her sanity, to the brink of emotional death, and to the point where she got lost in his lies and tried to convince her that she was overthinking and wanted her to believe she was crazy.

She had enough. She knew his “truths” were not true. She knew she was not the problem. And she knew that she would suffocate in sadness and loneliness if she stayed with him.

So she left him.

 

A year later she had moved on with her life. Re-established stability and began living for herself. She met people and even made a friend. They got close and she opened up about a lot of the things she went through.  She began to feel safe in their presence- something she did not allow herself to do with anyone, but she knew if she truly wanted to move on, she had to allow at least one person in her life again. 

Months had passed and things were going well. They were having fun but not requiring any emotional or relationship type commitments from each other and it worked perfectly for both of them. It was the one thing they both valued was the ability to be so close to someone with both wanting nothing more than to make the other person’s life better. 

One day, June got a text. It said her friend felt disrespected and that their time was not valued because they had to be somewhere but they were late because they were spending time with June. 

While this text seemed ridiculous and without merit, it did not hold any water on face value. What it did do was awaken a pain within Junes chest that reminded her of all the times she got blamed while she was with her partner.  All the things her partner accused her of that she never did but still, everything was her fault.  Suddenly, all the hurt and pain and sadness she used to feel came back to her. Like a flood of every emotion she never felt. The tears she held back and the tears she allowed to fall, all came out at the same time and she was crushed. Again. 

It was as if she was in the same place she had been a year ago. But this time, it was present in her new life, the life she created for herself, infected by the trauma which lay dormant until now. 

June had no idea the pain still existed inside her. She thought by leaving the cause of the pain behind, that it would stay there. But instead it came through so much worse than before because it was so unexpected. She had adapted to the consistent pain of her partner because it was always there. But this time, it was not supposed to be there. This person was not supposed to be able to make her feel that way. This person was supposed to be her safe space, and in one text, it changed everything. 

June’s story is unfortunately not uncommon.  People who have gone through traumatic events or are living in abusive relationships have no idea of the darkness that lies beneath even after the event or relationship is over. It is truly frightening the effect trauma can have on you and your future. 

While this message is not intended to scare you into being afraid of when it is going to rear its ugly head in the future, just know that it is possible. Be aware that if it does ever come up again, it may be due to a  possibly unknown trigger.  The positive side of this is that when it does, allow yourself to live in the moment of pain, cry if you have to, seek a friend if you have a good one, and know that this recognition is one of the first stages of healing… and remember, you’re not going to feel this way forever.

Take Care and Love yourself!