Today I am going to touch on a very sensitive and personal subject. But before I do, I want everyone to remember that no one is immune to the things that can haunt us forever. We are all human and as strong as we are, or as we convince ourselves that we are, we are all still in fact human, and to feel, hurt, bleed, bend, break, bust or just to be, means that we should accept that there are things within our lives which we have no control over. Even if we think we do at the time, it can almost literally come back to bite us in the ass later.
Trauma
What does it mean? Cambridge dictionary defines it as severe and lasting emotional shock and pain caused by an extremely upsetting experience, or a case of such shock happening:
But just like any other word, it is not easily defined by one definition.
Most people understand the general concept of trauma- something happens which has a lasting effect on the emotional wellbeing or psyche of a person. But there is a sneaky part to trauma, a dark side that can be far more debilitating than the initial action of it. It can lay dormant for any undetermined amount of time and then BAM!!! You find yourself 5150 in some mental institution.
While this is a possibility, it is a more extreme, although not uncommon, set of circumstances.
Let's talk about “June” for a minute. June is a very strong minded, independent and motivated woman. She is single and raising her child by herself. She has overcome an indescribable amount of hardships to get where she is and from the outside looking in, she embodies the image of a well put-together, and respectable woman who means business.
Last year she made the tough decision to leave her partner of 20 years. Despite her absolute love and dedication to him, she had to do what was best for her and her child. On the outside, their love seemed solid and sure, and one of envy for those who yearned for the type of love they had.
But…
June was enduring turbulence and turmoil. Disrespect, disregard, resentment, and agony. Emotionally tortured by the man she loved like she never loved anyone before. She gave him everything and it was never enough. He treated her like she was never enough. He blamed her for his unhappiness and for everything that had ever gone wrong in his life. He pushed her to the edge of her sanity, to the brink of emotional death, and to the point where she got lost in his lies and tried to convince her that she was overthinking and wanted her to believe she was crazy.
She had enough. She knew his “truths” were not true. She knew she was not the problem. And she knew that she would suffocate in sadness and loneliness if she stayed with him.
So she left him.
A year later she had moved on with her life. Re-established stability and began living for herself. She met people and even made a friend. They got close and she opened up about a lot of the things she went through. She began to feel safe in their presence- something she did not allow herself to do with anyone, but she knew if she truly wanted to move on, she had to allow at least one person in her life again.
Months had passed and things were going well. They were having fun but not requiring any emotional or relationship type commitments from each other and it worked perfectly for both of them. It was the one thing they both valued was the ability to be so close to someone with both wanting nothing more than to make the other person’s life better.
One day, June got a text. It said her friend felt disrespected and that their time was not valued because they had to be somewhere but they were late because they were spending time with June.
While this text seemed ridiculous and without merit, it did not hold any water on face value. What it did do was awaken a pain within Junes chest that reminded her of all the times she got blamed while she was with her partner. All the things her partner accused her of that she never did but still, everything was her fault. Suddenly, all the hurt and pain and sadness she used to feel came back to her. Like a flood of every emotion she never felt. The tears she held back and the tears she allowed to fall, all came out at the same time and she was crushed. Again.
It was as if she was in the same place she had been a year ago. But this time, it was present in her new life, the life she created for herself, infected by the trauma which lay dormant until now.
June had no idea the pain still existed inside her. She thought by leaving the cause of the pain behind, that it would stay there. But instead it came through so much worse than before because it was so unexpected. She had adapted to the consistent pain of her partner because it was always there. But this time, it was not supposed to be there. This person was not supposed to be able to make her feel that way. This person was supposed to be her safe space, and in one text, it changed everything.
June’s story is unfortunately not uncommon. People who have gone through traumatic events or are living in abusive relationships have no idea of the darkness that lies beneath even after the event or relationship is over. It is truly frightening the effect trauma can have on you and your future.
While this message is not intended to scare you into being afraid of when it is going to rear its ugly head in the future, just know that it is possible. Be aware that if it does ever come up again, it may be due to a possibly unknown trigger. The positive side of this is that when it does, allow yourself to live in the moment of pain, cry if you have to, seek a friend if you have a good one, and know that this recognition is one of the first stages of healing… and remember, you’re not going to feel this way forever.
Take Care and Love yourself!
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