Plateau (Part1)

 Good evening my dear ones. I hope you are all fantastic!!!I If not, spread kindness. 

Tonight I had an interesting thought- whether you agree on if it is interesting or not will be indicated by where you place your cursor right now. 

Pick me!! Pick me!!!

-Just kidding. No matter what, I am extremely grateful for you if you are reading this right now, so thank you, truly, thank you!

Ok, so do you remember (depending on your age) when there was so much to be excited for?Or when feelings were still "new". The anticipation of something different or a new experience??

If you are not sure what I am talking about, congratulations, you have your whole life ahead of you and you should definitely make the absolute Bestest most out of it!!!

At this point in my life, when I reflect on my overall emotional stats and wellbeing, I find much of it to be a bit oxymoron-ish, yet almost conflicted. I should probably break it down before I confuse myself... which, who only knows what it will do to you! So for the purpose of trying to keep on track, let's break the sentiments down individually. I cannot promise any of this will make any sense, but lets just hope for the best!

1. Excitement!- I have found that the older I get, the less I have to be excited for. In general, when you are in elementary school, you cannot wait to be in high school, or get your drivers license, or turn 21. (Tangent disclaimer in 3...2...1...) 

   ok so maybe this is a buzzkill, but it's quite hilarious at the moment... I've been a bartender for many years and whenever someone showed up on their 21st birthdays, or close to it, they were always so proud to show off their ability  to drink, finally!!!. So for those beautiful souls, I would say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And congratulations.... you officially have NOTHING to look forward to anymore until retirement!!" brutal, yes, but always gets a strange look, and then a laugh  because. for one, it's the MF truth, and two, I get to see their faces as they go into deep contemplation mode but then of course I offer to make them a birthday shot on the house. I keep shit real, but not in a Debbie downer sort of way. annnnyyywaysss...

As perception-based as it actually is, my perception is that I find it harder and harder to be actually "excited" for things as I would have when I was younger.  Now this could be just me, because my life has followed a non-traditional timeline and path, therefore I may not be the best expert in this specific category...

 I will explain.. 

As a female, it is the general status quo, as young girls or young ladies, to be infatuated with/excited about the concept of meeting that special guy and getting married, the honeymoon, the biological clock ticking desire to become a mom...etc. 

Well, It's never been quite like that for me. I am 45 years old and have never been married. I was engaged twice, but marriage never happened. And the biological clock ticking... NEVER FELT IT, NOT EVEN CLOSE, NOT EVEN ONCE.  I literally never ever had any burning desire or feeling of obligation to generate offspring.lol. But that's just me. However, when I DID get pregnant and found out I was going to have a boy... talk about joyous bells ringing and absolute relief that I would not have to worry about pink bows and girly shit. I'm just not that type. Plus, I  already had two absolutely amazing and beautiful step daughters that taught me so much about being a parent, and it was such an honor to be able to love them like they were my own- I cannot express enough how ABSOLUTELY LUCKY I have been with the three children I have had the pleasure of being a part of their lives for so long, Somehow, somewhere, I did Something right to have my girls Carissa and Alicia, and my baby boy, Lysandro in my life!!! What a wonderful gift!!!!

Ok, side tracked yet again. I have a feeling this will be a 2-part subject, but for now..Onwaard we go!!

Where were we... excitement. I feel like I have the occasional tastes of excitement, like "I'm excited to see you" or "looking forward to this or that" but for the most part, nowhere near what excitement used to mean growing up... awe the good old days…

…Ok, balancing the playing board now. 

2. Sadness/Hurt/pain In the same respect, these may follow a similar pattern   When we are younger, the concept of sadness/hurt borders on dramatic but is usually short lived. As children, we tend to be more resilient when it comes to these emotions. Whether it is due to our notion that there is so much more out there in the world than to dwell on those feelings, or maybe it's because we don't have the capacity to truly understand the pain we are feeling or supposed to feel. Maybe it's neither. 

Again, for me, my degree of these emotions did not follow that pattern. It's been more of a bell-curve. I feel like growing up I was able to keep a pretty consistent handle on these emotions. Of course, there were certain deviations but as a whole, it was a pretty steady line. However…. That stability did NOT continue. Despite rough patches, here and there, things were manageable… until early 2021… talk about an unforgiving spike in this department. I won't go into too much detail but it began with the passing of my grandmother. Ohhhh that introduced me to a new understanding of the feeling of “loss”. I felt like a piece of me went with her. She was my first favorite person in the whole world. But because of that loss, my realization of the fact that I had no idea how to deal with that loss, led me here. I began writing again. To put the words I could not express out loud on paper, and to release all the hurt inside, in a way that was beautiful and honest, and unrepressed. This blog became my first outlet, my therapy, my voice, courage, fears and bizarre humor. But it made me feel better. So much came of it and still does. I've been published numerous times now and it's an amazing feeling everytime my hands hit the keys with something I need to deal with or an emotion I need to work through. Preserving my sanity and quieting the noise.

And in case that wasn't enough, almost exactly one year later, I lost my grandfather. He and I were extremely close as well and a very unique bond. The hardest part was not just losing him but the fact that my circumstances did not allow me to go to his funeral. Considering I was the type of granddaughter for him that normally would have been the first to show up and the last to leave, imagine the turmoil of not being able to attend at all. I dealt with that “guilt” for quite some time until again, writing saved me. Someone was looking to publish an anthology of works related to how writing can be therapeutic or assist with mental health. I submitted a piece in honor of my grandfather. It spoke of the man he was throughout his life until the very end. I was able to reflect on it at the end and by writing the piece, I told a story of what I WOULD have said at his funeral. That piece allowed for so much closure and in honoring him in such a way, the remorse and guilt subsided and his story would be forever memorialized on paper for the world to see.  This story was selected and published. I will post that story in a future blog.

For now, I will take a short intermission and continue in the next post. See you soon!

Take care!