Well Served

 Hello everyone! Today is Sunday, my Friday, yay!
On the menu this evening, is....
Service. 
Good old, quality service.
Well, unfortunately, good quality service is not what it used to be. 
I am not sure what has happened in this world, but for some reason, it is no longer a requirement (in the customer service industry) that a person be: 

• Friendly

• Polite

• Personable

• Happy(ish)

• Patient

• all about their service or

• sober

Ok,  like I said in my first post, I am not one to divulge all about me in a post or two, but you will get a bit here and there, usually related to the subject of that post.  In such respect, just know that what you are reading now, is something that I take pretty seriously-not like life or death serious, more like I hold a lot of value in the importance of it. So here it goes.
 
I have spent almost my entire work history in the service industry (customer service and related)- Waitress, retail, home remodel, repair, bartending, Nursing, and back to bartending, which is what I do now.  Yes, I am aware I am way over qualified to be a bartender, given my background, but I really do love it- but more on that later.  I genuinely appreciate good customer service.  Not just from others, but I expect the same from myself when I work. It is a bit of an art, and it is not for everyone, but those who do it, should really be good at it, and actually give a bit of a s*** when encountering people in general.  If you work in customer service, and you don't like people, then what the hell are you doing? Go work in an underground tunnel or something. I don't mean to be harsh, well, kinda, but the value is depreciating exponentially, and people are forgetting to just be nice. 
 
Ok, enough venting, let's get back on track. 
 
In the past few months of working where I am now, I have gotten a lot of compliments on how well I do my job, how great I am with people, and even my boss trusts me enough to run the place while he goes on vacation (for the first time in five years.)
 
It's not that I am going above and beyond or anything, I am really just doing my job. Apparently that has been very difficult for previous bartenders there, and other places locally who can't seem to show up, or when they do, proceed to out-drink the customers then be incapable of even standing up behind the bar, while on shift, or they fight with the customers during shift, and embarrass themselves by getting wasted in the bar on their days off. 
 
I am finding these are pretty regular occurrences. I, for one, am NOT that way. I wouldn't consider that I take my work too seriously. Instead I prefer to take it responsibly.  The difference is that my job is just my job, and while it does impact my financial well being, it really is not that serious, compared to, for example,  the well being of my family.  Plus, it is really hard to be a "serious bartender"- talk about boring.  But I do take it responsibly. 
 
My job requires that I am able to know when a person should stop drinking- to look for signs, and be able to cut that person off from drinking anymore. So if I am behind the bar, drinking, my judgment is impaired and that completely contradicts my job and responsibility as a bartender. Of course people offer to buy me drinks on shift all of the time, and most of the time I decline, or I tell them they can buy me one after my shift. But you will never see me even buzzed while I am working. 
 
Getting back to the subject of service, I have found that good service is on a serious decline.  For me, there is nothing worse than going out to eat or to a store and  being waited on or assisted by rude people or terrible service.  It's like, "Do you really have to act like that?"
 
Grumpy, impatient, unqualified, miserable, pushy, and just plain crappy people have no business in the service industry. If you hate your job, QUIT!!! Don't take it out on me because you do not want to be there. Seriously!!! What is the point of working in a job you hate? Why? 
 
When I say I don't take my job too seriously, I mean that whatever happens at work, or if I have a rough day, I don't take it home or to my family. If you do, then you will be miserable at work and at home, with no place or time to defuse.  There are an unfortunate number of people who absolutely hate their jobs, and often the people they work with.
 
my advice... don't do it. 
 
Find something you enjoy. So you are not pissed that you have to go to work and angry from your day when you get home.  If you are glad to go to work, you will usually be happy when you get home from it.  It's true. Try it sometime...
 
I am not going to say that I have never worked in a job that I didn't like. Luckily they didn't last long for different reasons, but I was always glad to be moving on.
 
If you think about how much time we actually spend working- away from our families, missing out on things we wish  we could be a part of.  Wouldn't it be so much better for us if we were happy to be there?
 
When I mentioned being overqualified for the job, I know I could be working for some big company, using all of my education, pushing a pencil or sitting behind a desk in a corner office, but that is not for me. I love what I do, and I am really, really good at it.  I'm not going to get rich from it, nor am I going to do it forever. But I am going to do it while I still can, and while I still enjoy it.  Then one day, when I get bored with it, I will move on to something else that I enjoy...
 
And you should too!!!
 
Take care out there, and be happy while you're at it!
 
See you soon. 

What kids?

  Hello all. Hopefully everyone is doing well.  I had an interesting day at work today. I will spare you the details and just say that I am happy to be safe at home, in the comfort of my keyboard. Thanks for joining me. 
    So today I would like to let you all in on a little secret. Well, a couple of secrets actually. But before I do, I will share with you a little story- completely relative to the eventual point of this post.  ok, so...
    A few years ago, my partner was a groomsman in a wedding. The bride/groom did not have children at the time, so when it came to the usual pre-wedding festivities, rehearsal dinner, etc., they had a pretty strict  no-kids allowed policy-understandable. Well, when it came to the rehearsal dinner, my partner and I had absolutely no other childcare options, so either we did not go (which wasn't going to happen) or our son came with us.  So we opted for the latter.
    So our son, two or three years old at the time, (which would normally be the most difficult of ages) sat between my partner and I  throughout the entire dinner. At the end, the bride comes up to us and asks us when our "sitter" dropped off our son. A little confused but somewhat knowing what she meant, we asked "what do you mean?"
    "Your son? When did the sitter drop him off?"
    "We didn't have a sitter tonight. He has been here the whole time"
Now, I don't know what was my favorite part about the conversation- the fact that we had such a well behaved child that he could sit without incident for the entire two hour dinner among adults, or the expression on her face when she found out he had been there the whole time, without even the slightest hint that he was there. Either way, she told me later that she was impressed at how well he behaved, and was still in shock that they had no idea he was there. 
****
So now comes the secret I told you I would share with you.  Now I am in no way an expert, nor am I a professional in any psychology or child development field, I am just a parent, who, actually am not a fan of children in general- at least not as I have encountered them.  And I never actually intended on having them at all.  I never had one of those ticking clocks-as they put it, nor did I fantasize about being a parent at all.  I was perfectly ok with never having them. 
However, when I met my partner, he had two daughters already, and he was such a wonderful father, and the bond between them was so unique and special, that for the first time in my life, I actually considered the possibility of maybe. So we decided to take steps to find out if I was in fact able to have children, because at the time, I had some medical issues that may have prevented the possibility. So we committed to just taking a test to see if it was possible.  Before I could take the test,  I found out I was actually pregnant.  Now, I told him and everyone else at the time, that IF, big IF I was to ever have a kid, it would be one boy and that was it. I would be done. It could not be a girl, it had to be a boy, and only one.  
    Luckily I got my wish. The most perfect little boy, with the biggest heart and so beautiful inside and out. Still to this day he does not let a day go by without telling me he loves me and makes sure I get my minimum of daily hug--and he is thirteen now, and still does this.
    Getting back to my point. So how does such a wonderfully behaved child come to be? Besides a lot of love, positive attention, and even more love, there are some secrets too.

    We have all been to restaurants where there is one family with that one or couple of kids who can't sit still, get up and wander, make a lot of unnecessary noise, disruptive, tantrums, etc... 
And we ask why do they act like that or why do their parents let them act like that? Simple. 
Because they are in a situation that they are not familiar with and they have no idea how to act. You see, the problem here lies in the fact that these kids don't get to go out much. Their parents leave them home, with sitters, other family etc, so when they go to a restaurant, they have no idea how they are supposed to act or what they are supposed to do. So they resort to their most primitive behaviors- exploration, vocal expression, squirmy-ness when forced to sit in a high chair or an uncomfortable dining chair, eating food they are not familiar with. It is completely foreign to them, and for valid reasons.
    As soon as my son had enough of his immunizations to be out in public as a baby, I took him EVERYWHERE with me; grocery stores, restaurants, running errands, appointments, literally everywhere.  He did everything with me.  He eventually became accustomed  to being out and about, so being out did not seem so foreign.  There was no unfamiliarity as to how to act because it was nothing new. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him, therefore he could act accordingly. 
To this day, at the age of 13, I still have had no behavioral issues or conflicts with him, almost at all-but hey, there is still time right? 

Secret #2
I am not sure where this came from, or what made me come up with it, but when it comes to addressing bad behavior, or “scolding” a child ( I am not really a fan of this word, but you get the idea) How do you do it? Do you stand over them, talking down to them addressing it with your finger pointed at them angrily? Sure, if you want to make them feel like crap. Try something different.  Bend down on one knee, get down to their height, and situation yourself just below their eye level. Now explain to them calmly what they did, why it is wrong, and what to do in the future if something like that should happen again. Make sure you maintain eye contact and some form of (appropriate) physical touch like holding their hand.
What does this do? For one it teaches them that when something is important, you maintain eye contact. Their physical touch shows that you still love them and you are not angry with them (even if you are upset). But most importantly, you show them that you are looking up to them.  By cowering over them, you make them feel inferior.  You are talking down to them. Isn’t it more important that we try to raise our children up, not push them down? We don’t want to bully our children. We want to raise them confidently.
Speaking of confidence, let's move to the next secret.

Secret #3
When my son was four or five, we had returned home from a shopping trip. The day had been one of nightmares, from being late to something important, to forgetting my debit card at the grocery store, it was hotter than hell outside, I hadn't had a chance to eat that day, I had a headache , and broke a shopping bag on the way up the stairs.  So, needless to say I was already a bit on edge. While making dinner, I knocked over the jar of spaghetti sauce and it shattered into million pieces and the contents splattered the entire kitchen like some horrendous crime scene.  Probably still swearing a bit, my son came in to investigate.
“Oh my gosh what a mess. Is dinner almost ready?” 
Enraged by the whole situation, and irritated at him having the nerve to ask me if dinner was ready when it was obviously painting the kitchen already, I lashed out.
“Are you freaking kidding me???!!!” I stomped like a child to my room, slammed the door, and sat on the bed burying my face in my hands.
A few breaths later and I looked up by the door. Next to it, I kept one of those photo strips that you get at arcades where you can take multiple photos and they all print out on the strips. There was always one of me and my son making the same goofy faces with each other. I purposefully kept it there so it was the last thing I saw before I started my day because it always made me smile.  
This moment did so many things for me. I asked myself, “what am I doing? “
If I wanted to raise a confident little boy, I can’t have him thinking that my bad days have anything to do with him. If I continue to act like this when something goes wrong, he is always going to think that “mommy is in a bad mood and it is all my fault” That is never what I want.  I want him to know that people are going to have bad days, but never to suspect that it is because of anything he did or didn’t do. 
So I gathered myself together, opened my door, and found him sitting quietly on his bed.  I got on one knee next to him. Held his hand and looked him right in the eyes. 
“I am sorry I yelled at you. You did nothing wrong. I am having a bad day and it is not your fault. You are the best part of my days, and I need you to know that my bad days are never because of you or anything you did or didn’t do.  I love you, and I am sorry for yelling at you. “
He hugged me and in that moment, I learned the single most important thing- how to apologize genuinely and the value of what it can do for a person. 
So what is the secret?  Never takes things out on your children. Don’t allow your child to ever feel like YOUR bad days are their fault. This only leads them to feeling guilty over nothing, usually not understanding why. Show them that they are a positive in your life and never a negative. This can lead them to be confident and by teaching real apologies (the way my son showed me indirectly) it makes them more self aware as well as being aware and cognizant of the emotional well-being of others. 
****

Now there are a couple more very important secrets that I would like to share with you, but like they say, never give away all your secrets at once! Plus, this is a blog and not a novel, So for now, you have a few to get started and we will continue this another time. 

I do want to just leave you with a few final thoughts:
We are not here to brutally teach the way of the world to our kids.  We really need to learn how to do it with a little more finesse and compassion.  We cannot expect them to know what we know or punish them for not knowing- it is our job to teach them. Just be aware of what exactly we are teaching them, because how we raise them will affect an entire world around them as they get older. The point here is that we all have the potential to really screw up our kids. But there is greater potential to help them become the best versions of themselves that we can- confident, smart, personable, healthy, and kind.  None of this is possible if we don’t help and support them. 

Now, like I mentioned before,  I do not claim to be any form of an expert, nor am I educated specifically in child development. Anything I share here is purely based upon both observations, and my personal experiences.  And knowing that all kids are not the same, these kinds of things may not work for everyone, and each parent has to make the decisions they feel is best for them and the ones they are raising.

Thanks for being here!

Take care.

Questions, anyone?

Hello bloggees! Welcome back to another episode of 'whatever comes next'.  Always an adventure, and to quote the great Forest Gump, "...You never know what you're gonna get."So I have decided, unpurposefully, that my summer blog theme is going to be "questions". Because, well folks, it is a questionable world out there right now. Maybe more so than it has been in a long while.  

But anyways, my question for everyone is about questions.  Let me backup a minute and give you some lead-up.

Most people have other people they can turn to for advice, and generally that person may provide trustworthy opinions mixed with a touch of  guidance. We will call these people 'Advisors' - betcha didn't see that coming, lol.  So these advisors can usually be pointed out as having a lot of experience in something, including life itself, and/or educated and/or intellectual.  We all know someone who fits this profile.

Well this is great and all- for the seekers of advice, but what happens when the advisor needs advice? Like, for example, where would Merriam and Webster or Oxford go if they had no idea what a certain word means? Seriously! This is a genuine question, because who do people turn to that are usually the ones that others turn to when they need help? 
I have found that I am often the one that others turn to, especially in my family, when they have questions about almost anything.  They all know that I have always read anything I could and when it comes to not knowing a fact, I will research the hell out of it until I feel satisfied that I know enough about it.  Call me odd, but when I don't know something that I think is important or necessary, it literally makes me feel uneasy or anxious.  Once I have done some research into it, even if not thoroughly, it actually calms my nerves a bit. Weird, right? 

That being said, I have a pretty expansive knowledge base about some really important things, with the side effect of being a knower of the most useless information (which I disagree because it helps to win trivia games-another one of my favorite things to do      [a secondary side effect of this is the fact that I am sometimes accused of cheating, because how on earth would i know that Marilyn Monroe was actually a true redhead, not blond or brunette? See what I mean?]

Okay, sorry, getting back on track now...

So in addition to my family, for example,  coming to me for knowledge based questions, some of them ask for personal advice as well. If it was me, I would want to know the honest truth, not just hear something they think I want to hear.  I would want an unbiased opinion, based on the facts of the matter, and after hearing either the whole story or both sides of the story, combined with the facts of the matter.-You would be really surprised at how hard it is to find this type of person.  But this is generally my personal approach to giving any advice or guidance.  

I am the type of person, and have been in this exact situation, where you have one person asking the advice from a group of friends who all say "oh, yes for sure, definitely, yes." and then there is me, the sore thumb that says "oh, hell no." Oh the looks I get when they realize that I may have just upset the balance of agreeability.   And it is not that I am purposefully trying to go against the group, which can be interesting in some situations, but I am genuinely giving my advice based on all aspects of the situation.  This is also the point where I am often accused of being insensitive or cold. I'm really not. I have a few tear triggers, not many, but they do exist.  

The truth is, that if I was seeking guidance I would want the same respect of an honest, unbiased opinion with a legitimate rasional  behind it. Even if the end result is undesirable, at least I can say that it was well thought out and pursued in good faith, or good cause, or any other good. 

So going back to my initial question? Where do the advisors go for advice?  I can't really go to my girlfriends when I need advice about an issue with my partner, because, hey, let's be honest here, girlfriends have a tendency to automatically take your side, that is why they are your girlfriends. Great for fights, horrible for advice.  And I can't go to another guy and ask his advice, (not that I actually have any that I would go to) bc that guy is going to fall under one of a few categories, 1) they really don't give a crap about your problems, let alone hear about them, 2) they are opportunistic and have been waiting for the moment when there is a tiff in your relationship and they can now be extra comforting and available just to weasel their way into your good graces, and other things, 3) they are untrustworthy or just not either socially or intellectually inept to handle, let alone give advice on the matter, or 4) while not a category of men themselves but this would be the category of your male partner being absolutely pissed that you are discussing your personal relationships with any other man. 

Square one it is. So who is next? I could ask Dear Abbey (showing age here), but if she couldn't answer my questions, who would she turn to ???? Dun Dun Duuuuuuuhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhh. 

So feel free to chime in on providing guidance here, but only if you are educated, intelligent, full of life experiences(good, bad, questionable), completely unbiased, unconcerned with the opinions of the masses and/or status quo, not seeking anyone's approval, unbothered by people who disagree with you, don't value your opinion, don't like you or that cannot stand you.  All others, please move along.  Hee hee hee.

Thanks for being here! 
Take care and smile!

WTH?

 Hello my dear bloggees. I hope you are all well. This past month there has been a lot going on in the world, and while I intend to stick to my word about not complaining nor speaking of politics, there are a few things I would like to discuss, that are related to both complaining and politics, but I am not going to either complain nor speak about the political side of the politics.- but bear with me please. Most of this is going to be questions not opinions or answers.

Now unless you are, well, unable to hear or see, I am sure you are aware of the Roe V.Wade being overturned. Well, my question is, why? You have all of these protests now, but has anyone asked the question why? Seriously. Why all of a sudden is this even coming up.  They are taking a decision from the 1970s and out of nowhere decide they need to make a new decision.  I mean, don't they have anything better to do? We have so many other pressing issues with the judicial system that this just seems out of place.  I mean, lets just do away with Habeus Corpus and reestablish slavery while we are at it. -total sarcasm, I do not believe either of these should occur.

If they want to tighten regulations, ok, do it. But don't make this black and white, because the fact of the matter is that it is not black an white.  It really is situational. But has anyone asked the court why this is happening and what  influenced their decision??? If it were any of us going to court asking for a change or something to be put into effect, I know first hand that we are required to go through a lengthy written process of making the request AND more importantly, WHY we are making this request. So why are they not required to do the same. And what of a jury? shouldn't they be required to have a massive group of individuals assisting in the decision, not just a group of fellow lawmakers/judges, etc. which in it of itself is a bit bias, and may even be a conflict of interest-something that is a big NO in the legal system? 

I am in no way an expert here, and if I am way off base here, I am willing to hear it, but, man, what is going on in this world.  We have to follow the rules but the rule makers don't.

Anyways, I really never wanted to talk about this kind of thing here, but since I had to "vent" I suppose, I will keep it short.  Im done with my inneffective complaining now-actually it wasn't quite complaining, just asking questions.  But, I do have to close for now.  Would love to hear your comments, but for the sake of avoiding arguments-which there are enough of in this life, please refrain from stating whether you are pro or against anything related to this topic. Let's try to keep the conversation unbiased, educated and cordially informative. Thank you.

Be safe out there! Don't forget your smiles, and hugs to the ones that need one!!

Take care, 

The Mythery of Our Makings

 Hello ever expanding little world.-at least I hope it is. Because if it is shrinking, then that means I have disappeared!-Ponder that one for a minute...or two.

Okay, enough of the random shenanigans. Instead, the topic of today is, as the title states, The Mythery of Our Makings. 

No it is not a "mystery" typo, I do mean mythery- again probably not real word.  But what is it, you ask? Well, similar to a previous blog regarding the misconception of the meaning of the word "balance", this statement represents all of the things that we are taught to believe in, live by, and or depend on as being a constant, that are actually not quite true, or just plain don't make any sense as it applies to the real world. This would include quotes, idioms, well known sayings, etc.  But before I delve into the deeper side of things and make you really contemplate your existence as you have been taught, I will start you off with something on the lighter side.

#1) "Seeing is Believing". We have all heard and maybe said this before.  Why is this mythery? Answer: Blindness. If seeing is believing, then does this imply that those who are blind can never believe anything? That's terrible.***

*** Before I go any further, I just want to make it very clear that this particular blog is meant to be more humorous than informational or educational.  And while many of these mytheries exposed may actually make a lot of sense, or none at all, they are not intended to be, by any means, used as part of a valid and genuine or formal argument or debate.  However.... please feel free to use them if ever any of these topics should come up during a party where drinking is involved.  And as a second disclaimer, as it applies to Mythery#1- I am in no way making fun or saying anything negative about blindness, or the visually impaired-in fact, a large portion of my family are actually visually impaired, so don't take any of this the wrong way, please.*** 

ok, moving on...

#2. "Line it up with the horizon". Ok so this particular phrase could spark some additional debates but lets think about this for a moment.  We were all taught that the Earth is round, right? And for some, the earth is actually flat. But if round Earth is the status quo, then this phrase should actually be applicable only if we were trying to draw a curved line, not a straight, flat line. Don't you think? 

#3 "A penny for your thoughts." Um, hello, has anyone ever heard of inflation? I mean if you are asking for my thoughts and you offer me a penny, then obviosly my thoughts are of almost literally no value to you. I would rather tell you what I was thinking for free. My ideas, on the other hand, are going to cost you some serious coinage. 

#4 " A picture is worth a thousand words". I say, depends on the picture. As a writer, I guarantee my thousand words will tell you more about a picture than the picture itself. You would get the whole backstory, something maybe about the artist, and maybe even discover some hidden object puzzle within it that you had no idea was actually the point of the picture. A lot can be said by words...is this a pun here? if so, intended.

#5 "Are you a glass half empty or glass half full person?" Aah one of my favorites. Generally I give people an answer that they both do not expect and sometimes get a little pissy about. my answer: "Depends on what is in the glass!" Water-half full, beer-half empty.lol. It's mythery because its a question asking for a factual answer, yet, the answer can only be answered perceptionally. (Descriptional, Non-Existing Word [DNEW], again, I know, but it fits)

#6 "Ignorance is bliss". If this is true, does that mean that knowledge is misery? And that all happy people are dumb? I think not. Next!

#7 "It takes one to know one" While this may be ok if you are interjecting on an argument between to people other than yourself, but if someone insults you in this manner and you use this phrase in your own defense, then you are totally calling yourself out, and proving to the person who said it, that you are, in fact whatever they said you were.  Can we say, playing for the other team? Way to go traitor! 

I am sure there are much more that I have left out. So instead of saying goodbye for this topic. Lets just say-to be continued-sometime.

Miserable and Uncomfortable

 Hello little world! Is everyone wearing their smiles today??? 

Just kidding, but you should be-as much as you can. They are contagious you know- more so than Covid, and it feels so much better than Covid when you get one.- speaking of covid, I am going on 11 months of no taste or smell still. Yup. Suck City.  But that is a whole other blog for a different time, not this one, so let me get un-side tracked.

Ready? ok, fingers on the home keys... and GO!

On this episode...

We may bounce around a bit, but this time its intentional and I am not just following my wild thought trail without a map.  I actually have a map this time. lol. So first on the agenda... Neologisms.

What are Neologisms? Its basically a fancy word for "new words". Psychology has its own definition for neologism as well, but that one is associated with a disorder, and despite my ramblings sometimes being disorderly, it is completely unrelated. 

Either way, I often come up with new words that just seem to fit the moment, and then later look them up to see if they already exist.  When they don't, I take those words or short phrases and submit them to Urban Dictionary for review.  As of this moment, I officially have five (5) submitted and published Neologisms;  1)Fellowers  2) Clawdust  3)Primitively deficient 4) Shelter impaired 5) Skroll.  You may look them up on Urban Dictionary.  

Today you all get to be witness to my sixth submitted (although not yet published) neologism, as you all are my inspiration. So, without further delay, dun duh duh dun....

"BLOGGEES" ...Ok not really that exciting, lol. 

Like employer and employees, I am a blogger and you are my bloggees. Except I'm not in charge, and you are not getting paid. But you get the idea. 

Moving on.

Next order of business: Grudges, baggage and the statute of limitations.

Now obviously these words are completely unrelated by the meaning of their definitions when speaking of them literally. Figuratively, on the other hand, they actually do, and should go hand in hand  (pun intended) and respectively do follow the order above.

A grudge is not just a creepy person that crawls out of a tv  and needs a haircut and some vitamin D. It is actually what the movie is about. It can be a noun, verb or adjective, but for this blog,  I am using it as a noun- 

"a feeling of ill will or resentment" (dictionary.com)

Grudges, unfortunately play a tremendous role in not just our personal lives, but on a global scale. They are the underlying "emotion" for almost all forms of conflict- from separations of families to wars and everything in between. Many times, it exists for no reason other than "I just don't like that person". I'm sure we have all heard this before. There is actually a "scientific" reason why we "just don't like someone", but we will save that for another time.  

It is unfortunate that people have grudges, and what is worse it how they hold onto them- this is called baggage. Baggage also takes on multiple forms and meanings- the stuff you lose at the airport, dating someone with lots of exes, babies mommies/daddies, emotional states that need some serious therapy***

***DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT REFERRING TO MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES HERE, BECAUSE MENTAL HEALTH IS A SERIOUS ISSUE, AND I TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY SO IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO OR NEEDS HELP, JUST KNOW OR TELL THEM IT IS OK TO GET IT OR TO ASK FOR IT AND DO NOT KEEP IT BOTTLED UP! THERE ARE HEALTHY WAYS TO FEEL BETTER!***

So those are a few of the many forms of baggage that exist, but today is about grudge baggage specifically.

Why do we hold onto the things that make us angry or upset or can ruin our day, and for some, their whole lives? What is the point. I know people who hold onto every moment that someone hurt them or lied to them or "betrayed" them as they would put it.  But why? they are only torturing themselves- and if the person is still in their lives, maybe torturing them as well ( I'm not talking about the chained to the wall type of torture, but the emotional torture, which sucks too)

Now there are exceptions to this baggage grudge thing as well. Most of which are quite serious, and I wont go into detail, but there are things that happen to people either as children or even adults that affects them to the core, and rightfully so, which often leads to a change in their psychological wellbeing.  These results are beyond the scope of what I would consider eligible for the category of holding a grudge, and being so, they can call it whatever they want at that point.

Baggage grudges may cause some heartache, loss in trust, jealousy, fear, but all on a relatively small scale compared to other inflictions of pain (mentioned above) that we may encounter. What does holding on to those grudges and pain actually do for us.  It can initially teach us a lesson, but then what? If you do learn from it, take that knowledge and move on, leaving the anger waste behind-flush it in the toilet and forget about it. 

Consider this... all you baggage handlers out there... you know who you are...you often admit to it as if it is something to be proud of...????? anyways...

When you go on vacation, do you take your entire wardrobe with you? Hopefully not.  Generally we take the things we NEED and some of the things that make us happy.  But  would we take jackets to the desert? No. Why not? because we would be miserable and uncomfortable. No one (hopefully) wants to go through life miserable and uncomfortable, and that is exactly what they are doing to themselves.  The point is that we don't need to carry all of our baggage everywhere we go.  So why do we carry our past emotional pains, grudges, with us.

The Statute of Limitations.  

For those who do not know what the statute of limitations is, in the simplest terms, it is a limit on the time we are allowed to complain about something. It is legal in origin and refers to filing a formal complaint within the court of law.  A complaint is like suing or accusing someone of something.  Different "complaints" or accusations have different time limits and it also varies depending on what state you live  in. For example, in California, if you are injured by a person, you have up to two years to file a legal complaint about it, after which time, the judge will generally not "hear" or consider your complaint (case).

So what does this have to do with today's topic? For some grudge holders, nothing at all... because they can hold onto their grudges for...ev...errr. Maybe it is just me, but I really feel that if we have to live with the grudge holding of others, we should be able create some grudge ground rules. We can impose our own "Relationship Statute of Limitations (RSL)". This is not just for our 'significant other' relationships, but familial and all other personal relationships. And just like in law, we can break it down by "degrees" or the "how-bad-was-it". 

In our RSL, for example, we could say that if someone lies to you, they are allowed to hold a grudge from  one hour to 6 months depending on the severity of the lie and other factors. If someone steals something from you (other than stealing of significant other) then your RSL could be as long as 1 year, maybe more. 

I know that maybe this is an impossible idea, but it may be necessary in many cases.  I can just imagine trying to create this guideline-what a disaster. You would have to find a group of completely unbiased individuals that have never been wronged in their life, and to all agree upon appropriate time limits. Good luck, right?

On the pro side, think of all of the feuding countries, or divided families that would be required to give up their grudges after a certain amount of time. It would definitely put an end to some long running conflicts where those involved probably don't even remember or know exactly why they are fighting in the first place. 

Everyone has their reasons, I suppose, but I really don't get why people want to live with any form of anger or resentment towards anyone. You have a right to get angry and be mad, in fact, it is necessary for emotional health and development. Key word-development- meaning you grow within that emotion and once it no longer serves you, you leave it behind.  Someone may be very comfortable in the first grade, but you can't stay there forever. I mean, you can but do you really want to be the only teenager in the first grade and never learning anything more?  Back to being miserable and uncomfortable again.

 So what is the harm in holding grudges? In my experience, it is immeasurable.  The problem with many grudges, lets say, familial for example, is that the grudge can be contagious. Let  me explain...

So hypothetical situation- You have two siblings who have always been relatively close but have had recent long distance separations from each other, which in turn does create that emotional distance between them as well.  Now, sibling one moved away but came back to visit sibling two and the rest of the family, but sibling two also brought a significant other.  For some reason, sibling two does not like the significant other.  Sibling two holds some unstated grudge against that person for whatever reason.  Sibling two creates an uncomfortable environment for sibling one and her significant other, but since sibling one is just visiting,  they are aware that they will be leaving soon and out of that environment anyways.

Fast forward about a year or two.  It is the birthday of the mother of sibling one and two, and a surprise is in the works.  Sibling one and significant other has a child, of which is extremely close to sib one and two's mother, and that child is invited to attend the birthday  party.  Sibling one, although it being that person's mother, is not invited.  Child asks if the parents (sibling one and significant other) are able to attend, and is told No. Child is very close to their parents (sibling one and significant other) and is extremely upset that their are not invited, stating "if they cannot go, then I'm not going". 

First of all, bravo to  the courageous child for standing up for the preservation of family. (cheering and applause in the crowd)

The misfortune here lies in two places- well, multiple actually, but primarily, for the child who is now forced to choose between two very important parts of his life due to sibling two having  created a division within the family- based upon a grudge, of which the reason is not understood.  Secondly, the mother is deprived of having her children and her truly loved grandchild being present at her birthday. Additionally, the tension is so firm that other members of the family either take a stand on one side, or do absolutely nothing to help which only hinders.  No matter what the reasoning is, or how you look at it, everyone loses here. 

While this may be an extreme example of the repercussions of a grudge, it does happen more often than one might think.  It is healthy and normal to be angry or upset for something, especially when a trust is broken-which usually takes longer, or if ever to recover from, but the effects of holding onto that resentment is truly a tragedy.  

In a perfect world,  not intangible by any means, we could allow ourselves to be angry, then pull ourselves together enough to understand why it effects us.  Then we can all (wo)MAN up and address it with the person it is directed to, try to reach a solution or at least a fair negotiation about it.  Only then can we genuinely and finally put the issue to rest and move forward.  

This may require forgiveness- another topic for another day, but at least we wouldn't be bottling up all of that hurt and anger and the fear of it happening again. That is no way to live. How many times do we blow up at someone when it has nothing to do with them? We are angry about something else? It is like the evil alternate dimension of "pay it forward". But instead of helping someone and it growing exponentially, we are hurting someone, which they "hurt it forward" and that pain grows exponentially instead.

However you choose to address the conflict in your life is essentially your choice. Just know that your choice, is not just your effect.  And if you know that the way you treat people will actually spread beyond yourself, wouldn't you rather spread something positive?

Well, bloggees:), take care out there, and be good to each other. Kindness and compassion are the greatest gift you can share- and, it's free!

Thanks for being here. 

See you soon.

The Benefits of Boredom

Hello there.  Hope all is well.  Thank you for joining me here again, on this very early May morning.  Let's get started, shall we?

Boredom. 

Whether we have been taught, or self convincingly began to portray it to be a bad thing, who knows, but is it really? 

Before I walk down the path of answering that question, let me give you some shoes... Or footing of reasoning.  Then we can get back to the point. Bear with me for a minute.

So... a few years ago, I stumbled upon some really great public/motivational speakers hosted by a company called "Mindvalley".  To say "company" is an understatement. It is more of a community of phenomenal people who have come together to share their knowledge and insights into creating whatever you need for and within yourself.  It is really a unique experience to listen to what they have to say. 

When I did happen upon it, times were exceptionally uncertain for me and my family, and to say that discovering it could not have come at a better time, would not be a cliche.

  While scrolling through random videos, there was one of which the title really resonated with me.  It was about resilience- and when things are really tough and you don't know how you are going to pull through some periods in your life, the concept of resilience resembles nothing more than a pipe dream. Alternatively, when you are in those periods, you can also ask yourself,

"What do I have to lose?" 

I opted for the latter and pressed play...

To this day, I never regretted it. In fact, it may have changed my life.

That speech is "How to Cultivate Extreme Resilience" by Dr. Srikumar Rao. The overall presentation is completely worth watching, however there are five major takeaways from it.  For the purpose of this blog, I am only going to write about one of them, although I may mention them again in future blogs.

So one of the key elements to resilience has to do with "reframing"-it basically means that you reframe your way of thinking so that you reconsider the way you react to something.  The best example is the one he used in his presentation, which really breaks it down to basics, so I will use his.

Say you are sitting in traffic and waiting at a red light when right as it turns green, someone flies past you, cutting you off and almost hitting you.  Naturally most people get angry at both the situation and the other driver...

Now, instead of getting and possibly staying angry, consider this... What if you discovered that the other person was driving like crazy because he/she had just received a phone call that their child was in a terrible accident and they were on their way to the hospital before it was too late to say goodbye...?  Kind of changes things doesn't it.? Any parent could relate that there is no speed fast enough in that situation,and are you really concerned about traffic tickets at that point? I would say no.

This is how reframing thoughts plays into the affects our reactions. People are going to do what they are going to do, no matter how we react, or how it affects us. We most likely have no idea why they do it, whether a life or death situation, or not.  But rather than instantly react to the action,  we should consider the big picture.  

So next time a crazy driver interferes with your peace or your right of way at a green light, instead of getting all angry and cursing words they will never be able to hear, remain calm and tell yourself,

"Man, that person must really have somewhere important they have to be!"

and move on with your day....

Now, should that person NOT have to be somewhere important, and really IS a total d-bag a**hole driver, just know that there is one really powerful force to be reckoned with, so let that force handle that situation... 

Yep, good ole Karma...  either way, whatever happens is beyond your control, so why get all worked up about it?

If you take this approach in other aspects of your life, you would be ridiculously surprised at how much changes in your life... You can look at your "struggles" as challenges instead of hardships, you will lessen the instant anger approach, where blame and (believe it or not) self pity no longer exist. You will be more calm, patient, relaxed, adaptable, and most importantly...

genuinely resilient.

Best of all, you can begin today. Don't get frustrated if you feel like it is not working, because frustration leads to anger, and if you get to that point, then what is the point? Be patient, take your time to practice this, and I guarantee, you will see and feel, a wonderful difference.

***

Ok, so back to the original topic of this blog....Boredom

Why do we believe boredom to be a bad thing? And what does it have to do with resilience? Well, it is not resilience actually, it is about the reframing part.  

Let's say for a moment that you have to take the side of boredom being a good thing. How would you argue that point? Well, if you don't think it is, or have no idea how to go about explaining it, then, let's investigate this further.

As I mentioned in my first blog, I have a tendency to get bored very easily.  This is either due to, or in combination with the fact that I learn things very quickly, and once I have learned it and feel as if I have mastered it enough to both use it and possibly teach it, I tend to lose interest in doing it as often or sometimes doing it at all. So then I find something else and the process starts all over again.  I am utterly bored by anything repetitious, monotonous and anything that fails to offer any real form of a continuous challenge in some way.  Respectively, I also dislike the feeling of boredom.  This is where boredom becomes a positive...

Explanation?

You got it!

When I get bored, I seek out something to do. A new challenge, an unlearned subject, sometimes a different job.  The key word is "New".  If I were to write all of my new experiences, new places i had been, new trades or skills i learned/acquired, new foods I have tried, new careers or changes in college majors leading to new degrees,  and handed them in as a summary of my moments of boredom, one would fully understand just how important it was to keep me entertained...

The truth is, that it is not just for my entertainment. That is only a small portion, if any, actually. Boredom should not be viewed as a negative lull in your life. If it is that way for you, then you are not really living. For me, boredom is an opportunity! An opportunity to experience and create experiences. One of the greatest opportunities that no one can take from us, it doesn't require money, you can share it with anyone or no one, you can do it anywhere, and everywhere. 

Don't believe me? Let me share one of my many boredom opportunities with you.  Just one, don't worry. I don't think you are ready for all of them yet:)

I was staying with my partner at his friend's house right before we moved from California. He lived on a pretty good size property, lots of acreage up near the Sierra Nevada mountains.  We were waiting for our final checks to come in before we made the final move, and we were both broke, couldn't go anywhere, and pretty bored, as other than our clothes, our other belongings were already packed up.  While he was hanging out with his friend, I really had nothing to do, but it was a really nice day outside.  So rather than vegging out on the couch doing nothing or being annoyed by the fact that we had been waiting multiple days past the time we had originally intended on leaving, I used my boredom and turned it into an opportunity for a new experience. 

I grabbed one of my empty backpacks, threw a few water bottles in it, a snack or two, my phone, a large knife just in case i encountered some wildlife (a real possibility in this area), and a large can of mosquito repellent (this is my summer perfume- my body does not react well to mosquito bites...at all.) I threw on some jeans, boots, hat and headed towards the stream along the side of the mountain.  

Even though I didn't know what my plan was, or my intended goal, or if I even had one, that didn't stop me from moving forward. What did I get out of it? A lot actually. I got a really good workout traversing boulders and climbing steep hills, jumping over fallen trees and watered areas...And I began to take notice of many of the unique rocks I found along the way.  This was a piece of the once large gold mining area at one time so the prospect of maaayyyybe finding something valuable was kind of exciting.  Overall, I had a great time and it really sparked an interest in learning about the different types of rocks, minerals, etc.-Something new to research when i got back. I love research. 

Okay now let's sum this up:

cost: nothing

effort: depends on what you put into it

time: a few hours of boredom absolutely crushed by a really great physical, and mental experience

outcome: appreciation of something usually passed up and not taken notice of, but now in the forefront of my focus to learn more about. 

***

Boredom should be used in your favor.  Anytime you are bored, get up and find something to do or to learn.  I remember when I was younger and telling my grandparents i was bored. To which they would say,

"Get up and find something to do or I will find something to do for you."

This usually meant they would find some kind of chore for me to do- or at least that is what I took from what they were saying.  What I should have paid more attention to is the "find something to do '' part, because they were giving me an opportunity to find my own experience, before they actually gave me something to do that I more than likely wouldn't choose or really didn't want to do.

So, on that note, now that this post is just about to end...

"Get up and find something to do!!!"

Thanks for being here!

Take care!!