The Last Song

It bore a lock.

Hidden, protected, impenetrable

It shined beyond its encasing

Too bright to stay hidden

Yet too hurt to expose itself

It stayed silent to all

But spoke softly to one.

Hovered in the shadows

Shined brightly with one

It hid from itself

Until a breath of air filled it from within

It danced in the moments

Floated on the breeze of renewal

Then stepped into the light.

The light of another,

Created a moment...

then another, 

then another,

then another...

then another.

Bold,

Beautiful

Fearless.

Then...

...Nothing....

Nothing at all.

Unreciprocated

Disregarded.

Abandoned..

Betrayed...

Broken....

Belittled....

Left in the darkness of the beginning...

But so much deeper than where it started....

Too Late

 It wasn't....

Then it almost was

Then It wanted to be

Then it wasn't.

Eternal Gratitiude

 Hello everyone or anyone! 

This one is going to be short but its not the amount of words, its what you do with them...

 and things that are necessary to say, should be. so here it goes...

If you were here for my posts a few years ago, know that the situations have changed but the meaning/purpose has not..

allow me to elaborate...

I spent 18 years of my life with the one who I thought was "the one" we never got married but we do share a child. I have nothing bad to say about this man because despite everything he has gone through, and that we have gone through, his true purpose in life is to be a wonderful father. And I can't say that he has not done everything in his power to be that person.  We have had some ridiculously difficult times and have not always seen eye to eye but the core of his heart has always been his kids. 

I recently lost my job, the week before my son's birthday and that was heart wrenching. The worst thing for a parent is to not be able to provide every piece of happiness you want them to have in their lives. So when I couldn't, it broke my heart.

But this feeling was short lived. 

I wasn't going to have kids. 

But I met someone that changed my mind for a millisecond. That millisecond led to the absolute most beautiful part of my life. And as you all know, there is nothing that I "preach" more than gratitude. 

I am so grateful for everything he made happen this month. For never making me feel like I failed even though I sometimes did feel that way. His inclusion of my presence, when he did not need to spoke volumes. He showed our almost adult son the man he truly is and in turn, opened up a greater understanding of who he truly is to our son-the guy I met many moons ago.

So today's blog is about nothing more than gratitude. I am grateful for the gift this man has given me. I am grateful for everything we taught each other. Grateful for the love we shared during our time together. Grateful for the way we can currently act like adults (for once) and try to change the way our son sees us as parents, as ridiculous as we were, and as much as we sometimes hurt each other, he needs to understand that things weren't always as crappy as our actions made them seem.

But I couldn't be more proud to have chosen this man to be the father of my child. I never even considered it before I met him. 

And he has come so far, and has such a good life to live ahead of him. And even though we parent separately now, it does not take away from the fact that he is the reason for the greatest gift that exists in my life...

So I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

My Greatest Gift

Remember when we spent every hour of our lives together?

When the only thing I could give you was my time…

Teaching you everything I knew,

Showing you the beautiful things in the world

Trying my best to protect you from our life?

Nothing that happened to us was our choice

But I would never choose to spend that time with anyone but you. 

I wanted to give you so much more

But that is not what happened.

Its not my place to  be your best friend.

I just want you to be happy-

Or at least as close to it as we are capable of.

Today I regret not giving you enough.

Not giving you EVERYTHING YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE.

Feeling Like I wasn't enough.

But then I look at you…

And hug you

And feel the beauty in your heart.

And it is the reason why I know I did nothing wrong.

Because perfection does not come from the mistakes we have made

Or the things we never had or wanted,

Or could have done differently.

Because whatever I did, 

I created you…

And there is nothing more perfect in this world

Than the heart that you have

And the happiness you bring me.

You are my perfection….

And never let anyone tell you otherwise…

I am sooo proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are amazing. And I love you so much.

My beautiful son...

Traumatic Experiences-Reframed...

 When do we reach our limits? When do we get to the point where we just will not tolerate the bullshit anymore? And does everyone get to that point or do some people just keep taking it and neglect their personal needs?

I for one have put up with more than I should have. But on the same note, I no longer put up with anyone else's nonsense. Sometimes your breaking point is a pivotal moment and sometimes it is nothing more than dealing with a life that you know you deserve so much better.

I speak about gratitude quite often.  I truly believe you cannot progress in life unless you are grateful for the things you currently have. 

As I mentioned before, I don't disclose everything about myself all at once and my openness is generally tied to a subject which I feel strongly about.  But today I am going to let you in on a very personal, difficult time in my life. My goal is not to sway you in any way shape or form but to provide an experience that quite possibly,  someone out there can relate to- as difficult as it may be, it is always better to know that there is someone out there that has gone through a similar situation. It's more therapeutic than you could ever imagine.

So my dear bloggees… strap on your seat belts, it's about to be a bumpy ride..

In 2017, my world literally came crashing down. My partner at the time was recovering from a life threatening illness, neither of us could work..( and prior to this, he was the lead paramedic for a professional NFL team, and I was a nurse at a county jail) needless to say, we had been doing quite well for ourselves up until this time. But, what most people don't realize is that as humans we are all one bad paycheck away from disaster at any time in our lives. 

Our mortgage lender was literally the most shady lender in the history of the world and when we tried to modify, we were denied only to find out they had modified our mortgage and kept the money for themselves.--- FYI- I AM writing a book about the whole situation.

Moving on… our house was sold under our feet and the money we were supposed to automatically get, we ended up having to fight for it in court for almost a year. By that time we were evicted from the home we raised our kids in and worked so hard to have. 

From that point on, we spent 3 years living in our cars or anywhere we could afford to rest our heads. Despite the absolutely unfortunate situation, I did everything I could to keep my son in the highest of spirits and try to give him the best of everything I possibly could-focusing on the “fun” and treating it like an adventure rather than a tragedy.

November 2020, I made the very difficult decision to leave California- the state I was born and raised in and was completely faithful to, until the sentiment was no longer reciprocated. I uprooted my family, taking them away from the family we always knew and never looked back.

As difficult as it was, it truly was one of the greatest choices I ever made for my family.I ended up in (my thought process at the time) one of the most tombstone-esque towns imaginable, giving up my beautiful stilettos because as I learned, you cannot wear stilettos in the desert- might a well be flats.

But it gave me the opportunity to start over. I got a job as a bartender in one of the biggest small town casinos and I got to know the community.  As “BFE” as it was, it provided an opportunity to start fresh and re-establish myself and more importantly, learn some things about myself that never had the chance to shine before. I finally got to live “MY” life.

There were some major changes to my family dynamic. Changes that were literally soul crushing and traumatic. But…

I survived.

And my driving force was gratitude… gratitude for the rundown trailer I lived in that provided a steady roof over my family's head. Gratitude for the landlord that threw away all of our leftover stuff when we moved out-but first gave me an opportunity to live in a safe, clean, very cute apartment which was the first stable dwelling we lived in in almost 4 years. Gratitude for the job I had in a city which was more than an hour and a half away and I had to commute, which sucked because I hate driving and it gives me anxiety. lol. But I busted my butt when I was there… and it didn't go unnoticed. 

Today, June 2025, I manage the beverage department of the biggest, most recognized casino in northern Nevada and i now live in the same city. lol

  And going back to the original topic of this blog… I could not be here if I accepted anyone else's bullshit, or let anyone tell me what I can or cannot do… I had the goal of providing stability to my son, and even though some months are harder than others, I have done it. I still do it. And no matter what your circumstances are… you can too!!!

Take care little world! You are so much stronger than you even know! And I am here for you  if you ever need to talk about anything!!

See you soon!

What Lies Beneath

 Today I am going to touch on a very sensitive and personal subject. But before I do, I want everyone to remember that no one is immune to the things that can haunt us forever. We are all human and as strong as we are, or as we convince ourselves that we are, we are all still in fact human, and to feel, hurt, bleed, bend, break, bust or just to be, means that we should accept that there are things within our lives which we have no control over. Even if we think we do at the time, it can almost literally come back to bite us in the ass later.

Trauma

What does it mean? Cambridge dictionary defines it as severe and lasting emotional shock and pain caused by an extremely upsetting experience, or a case of such shock happening:

But just like any other word, it is not easily defined by one definition. 

Most people understand the general concept of trauma- something happens which has a lasting effect on the emotional wellbeing or psyche of a person.  But there is a sneaky part to trauma, a  dark side that can be far more debilitating than the initial action of it. It can lay dormant for any undetermined amount of time and then BAM!!! You find yourself 5150 in some mental institution.

While this is a possibility, it is a more extreme, although not uncommon, set of circumstances.  

Let's talk about “June” for a minute. June is a very strong minded, independent and motivated woman.  She is single and raising her child by herself. She has overcome an indescribable amount of hardships to get where she is and from the outside looking in, she embodies the image of a well put-together, and respectable woman who means business.

Last year she made the tough decision to leave her partner of 20 years. Despite her absolute love and dedication to him, she had to do what was best for her and her child.  On the outside, their love seemed solid and sure, and one of envy for those who yearned for the type of love they had. 

But…

June was enduring turbulence and turmoil. Disrespect, disregard, resentment, and agony. Emotionally tortured by the man she loved like she never loved anyone before. She gave him everything and it was never enough. He treated her like she was never enough. He blamed her for his unhappiness and for everything that had ever gone wrong in his life. He pushed her to the edge of her sanity, to the brink of emotional death, and to the point where she got lost in his lies and tried to convince her that she was overthinking and wanted her to believe she was crazy.

She had enough. She knew his “truths” were not true. She knew she was not the problem. And she knew that she would suffocate in sadness and loneliness if she stayed with him.

So she left him.

 

A year later she had moved on with her life. Re-established stability and began living for herself. She met people and even made a friend. They got close and she opened up about a lot of the things she went through.  She began to feel safe in their presence- something she did not allow herself to do with anyone, but she knew if she truly wanted to move on, she had to allow at least one person in her life again. 

Months had passed and things were going well. They were having fun but not requiring any emotional or relationship type commitments from each other and it worked perfectly for both of them. It was the one thing they both valued was the ability to be so close to someone with both wanting nothing more than to make the other person’s life better. 

One day, June got a text. It said her friend felt disrespected and that their time was not valued because they had to be somewhere but they were late because they were spending time with June. 

While this text seemed ridiculous and without merit, it did not hold any water on face value. What it did do was awaken a pain within Junes chest that reminded her of all the times she got blamed while she was with her partner.  All the things her partner accused her of that she never did but still, everything was her fault.  Suddenly, all the hurt and pain and sadness she used to feel came back to her. Like a flood of every emotion she never felt. The tears she held back and the tears she allowed to fall, all came out at the same time and she was crushed. Again. 

It was as if she was in the same place she had been a year ago. But this time, it was present in her new life, the life she created for herself, infected by the trauma which lay dormant until now. 

June had no idea the pain still existed inside her. She thought by leaving the cause of the pain behind, that it would stay there. But instead it came through so much worse than before because it was so unexpected. She had adapted to the consistent pain of her partner because it was always there. But this time, it was not supposed to be there. This person was not supposed to be able to make her feel that way. This person was supposed to be her safe space, and in one text, it changed everything. 

June’s story is unfortunately not uncommon.  People who have gone through traumatic events or are living in abusive relationships have no idea of the darkness that lies beneath even after the event or relationship is over. It is truly frightening the effect trauma can have on you and your future. 

While this message is not intended to scare you into being afraid of when it is going to rear its ugly head in the future, just know that it is possible. Be aware that if it does ever come up again, it may be due to a  possibly unknown trigger.  The positive side of this is that when it does, allow yourself to live in the moment of pain, cry if you have to, seek a friend if you have a good one, and know that this recognition is one of the first stages of healing… and remember, you’re not going to feel this way forever.

Take Care and Love yourself!

Demand Less... Get More

 Hello my dear ones! Hope all is well with each and every one of you.

Today I would like to start with a touchy subject… and then in usual fashion… go off on a completely semi-related tangent…

“Aging”

You know, it is a funny thing that even as you get older,  there are still those rare occurrences when you learn something new about yourself. Even if it is something you may already know, for some reason, it just "clicks" at one point. And no, i don't' believe the chance of this happening ever really ceases to exist, because as long as you maintain a desire to  continue to grow as a person, and then actually DO grow, it's definitely a forever possibility

That being said...

A bit about me, as  I know myself thus far...

I am very stubborn. There is no denying it.  And to catalyze it even further, I am also pretty intelligent.  The two combined make for a perfect storm of someone who, when they are right, or legitimately think they are right, will refuse to back down, or go against anything which opposes a fact, or concept.  It is a terrible blessing. 

So it should be no surprise that my path in life is paved by those who have no desire to  make things easy for me, and have more encounters with people that, for whatever reason,  find necessity in creating turbulence or instigating undue challenges.

But this is on the big picture of things, which I tend to be aware of, but do not allow it to be too influential on me. Awareness is 75% of winning the battle. 

So going back to the topic of the title...don't worry, I will get there eventually.

My nature is truly to be kind, and helpful.  I not only love being able to help people, but it is something that is instinctive to me.  I see an issue, and my first response is to try to resolve it, no matter who, what or how many are involved.  This tendency  also creates a panache  to  get things done.

I rarely complain about what needs to be done.  Rather than make a big deal about what is left undone, I would simply just do it. 

Unfortunately, this methodology is not universal. 

I enjoy doing things for people, going above and beyond without the need to be asked. I have a natural ability to recognize a need and I act upon it.

Such is the case in most instances, except...

…Expectations...

Did you know that Expectation is the first  ingredient for disappointment? Think about that for a moment. 

I am willing to do anything that needs to be done, for anyone who needs it. Untill...

….they ask for it or…

even worse, when they get upset when it is not done.

My former partner used to say that I would always not do something just because he wanted me to do it. There is a pinch, just a small pinch, of truth to that. The difference was that he believed this was something I did intentionally just despite him. Which was not the case by any means.  Now, I cannot confirm or deny that it may be my subconscious at play in that situation, because I really don’t know for certain.

The funny thing is that this is not unique to me or any of my personal situations. One of the most prominent examples is that of a teenager being asked to do something.  I have a 16 year old son and I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful he is, but that's for another post on a later day. Anyways, 9 times out of 10, when I ask him to dump the garbage or do some kind of chore, he will say,

“Well I was going to do it until you asked…or REQUIRED me to do it” sarcastically serious.

To which my rebuttal is almost always…

“Well, I know how you don’t like to be asked or reminded to do things, so I try not to. But at the same time, I can’t always wait around for you to feel like you want to do it, and I shouldn't have to do everything by myself, therefore I am forced to intervene.  So don't get all grumpy when I do, OR just get it done BEFORE I have to ask you!”

Talk about a twisted version of the chicken and the egg conundrum…sheesh.

BUUUUT… 

I can't say that I don’t completely disagree with him either, which is why I don't give him a hard time about most things.  Choose your battles right? And I don't want to be one of those nagging parents-                  

it's just as bad as that annoying micromanager who barely does their own job and surely doesn't know how to do yours, but they still try to tell you what to do.

So while there is no real moral to this story today,  instead, I leave you with a question to ponder…

“If we actually are unintentionally avoiding the things people ask us to do, why is our subconscious set in autopilot mode to do just that?”

Until next time…

Take care!

Don't pull the trigger.

I need to address a quick disclaimer regarding one of the newest trends on vlogs, and now works of literature…

Trigger Warnings”

 

The thought of “trigger warnings” included, embedded, preceded, blurbed, posted, and/or infringing upon in  any form of written literature, be it books, blogs, poetry, articles past present, and future, genuinely urks the living crap out of me.  You will never see any serious “warnings” about the content within my blogs, online writing portfolio (including all writings within that portfolio), stories and/or books written (distributed/non-distributed, published/not published).  Without getting into my opinion about the adaptation,  conformity and sensitization of our current state of society, I will just say that I find it ridiculous. 

Reading is an adventure… sometimes of the mind, the imagination, the heart and sometimes the soul. When we go on true adventures, we don’t know what is out there. There’s no “warnings” about what to expect. You don’t see signs in the wilderness that say “watch out! If you take this path you might get attacked by a painful memory!” The thrill of the unknown is a big part of any adventure, and I'm not a fan of spoilers in any way, shape or form because it takes the fun out of it. What good is an adventure without fun? 

Normally (but not always)  in most situations,  we do not pick up something to read and not know what we are reading or what we are going to be reading about. Books, for example, have “blurbs”. It's either on the back cover, or on one of the first opening pages of the book and it tells  you what it  is about. Any reasonable person could read the blurb and should have a good  idea as to what content may be included based upon its description. So if you pick up a book who’s blurb basically mentions “serial killers”, and you are triggered by the subject of “murder”, why would you read it, and why the hell do WE as writers, have to waste space in the front of our book with a “trigger warning”?????????????????

We have survived millennia of writing and beautifully crafted works of writings without “trigger warnings” and LITERALLY NO ONE has ever died purely from reading its contents.  By including one, I might as well say that we should go back and start adding them to the existing works of Shakespeare, Edgar Alan Poe, Maya Angelou, Steven King, etc.   

—--

Well look what just happened. I just created a blog based on something I said I would not dedicate even a page in a book for. Great. Thanks guys for keeping me on track. Well, I guess now you will have to wait for Part II. 

Shallow Puddle

 hello bloggees!!!

Where have I been? 

Well the short and honest answer would be…

“To Hell and back” and stopping at every gas station in between.

Lots of life changes, lots of really greats, and increasingly  minimizing the “not-so-goods”.

Progress.But as in usual fashion, you will not get the tea all in one cup. So, without further ado… 

Subjects related to “all occurring or previously occurred moments that have sparked, burned, lit, or heated the creativity flame of my being.”

Ahhh, dating. 

Ummmm dating?

Errr dating after 40…

I don't even know where to start with this one. (what else is new, right? ;)

I can only sum it up by one very honest, truthful, and painfully correct statement ever made about dating after long relationships (like 15+ years long).  

“The last time I was single I was 24 and the dating pool was everyone. And now it's like a shallow puddle of age-appropriate men who are old and gross and I don't want to do that!!!” 

Leslie Mann, The Other Woman (2014)

This could not be more true. 

The last time I was single I was 25, actually.. I am now 44 and have been single for a year now. I am in a new apartment, new city, new state, new job, new body and a fresh state of mind. 

So how does this all add up? 

Well, being in a new city/state, I really don't know anyone at all. It's over an hour and a half away from the last place I lived before moving here, so it's not some short drive to “hang out with old friends”. Making “new friends” here poses a new challenge due  to my work schedule.  I work 5 nights (11pm-7am) a week, including weekends, making any attempt to make new friends or to try to “date” extremely difficult to navigate. 

My new job was actually a promotion, which puts me in a position where I am now managing and supervising all of my previous  work friends (that I used to hang out with outside of work hours), therefore requiring (by personal choice) a significant decrease in the amount of outside interaction with them in order to reduce risk of conflicts of interest, and maintaining work-appropriate relationships, etc. 

This leaves me with maybe 3 or 4 friends outside of work, none of which share my work schedule so whenever we hang out, one of us is going to be suffering for it at work the next day/night.

But… on a positive note, my new job also is very physically demanding and has had a surprisingly beneficial effect on my overall physical being, aka, “new body”, which has led to increased morale, bump up in confidence and  a positive  “fresh state of mind”... so there's that.

That last change couldn't be more appropriate  and necessary when re-entering the world of dating after almost 20 years. 

Imagine 20 years of not being in the dating scene. Before I dive into the dating world as I know it now, let's go over some of the changes I have noticed.

1. Dating apps- like the ones on your phone- they did not exist when I was last single. I'm on the fence about them honestly. On one hand you have almost an unlimited amount of potential suitors in literally the palm of your hand. However, you don't know if they are real people, the options are a bit questionable, many of them are scammers, and many times-in my experience about 80% of the people who I have tried to set up meets never show up and you never hear from them again-sometimes they actually take down their profile the day of the first meet up. So that is a big waste of time especially for someone who’s time off is really limited.

2. ENM- this is Ethical Non-Monogomy. It's basically when a married couple allows the other partner to date outside of the marriage, sometimes having outside girlfriends or boyfriends.  This is not to be confused with “polyamory” which has been around for some time now, but the difference is that ENM couples do not share each other's partners. It is someone they choose outside of the relationship and it stays outside of the relationship but everyone knows about each other and everyone is essentially ok with it.   So how is this a change? Well, 20 years ago, if a guy was married, he would not tell you, sometimes until way later when you actually started liking the guy. And then youre the one that looks like a homewrecker.  Oddly enough, I find this change to be my favorite bc at least they are being honest for once.-Doesn't mean just because they tell me they are married and their partner is ok with it, it doesn't mean I am going to partake. 

3. My dating pool.  The earlier quote really did sum it up for me. Where once I could pick and choose who I wanted to date because the options were limitless, however the older you get, the less desirable your candidates are.  I look really young for my age. Most people guess 10 years younger than I actually am. Which is great, but unfortunately, most men have not aged so gracefully. After 35 it seems that men seem to age very quickly so 35 yr olds look 45 sometimes and 45=55, and i'm just not ok with that market yet. I'm ok with growing old together but we gotta be in it together. I'm just not attracted to older looking men yet.  On the contrary, I don't date under 30 because they just don't have the maturity level necessary to handle a super independent female. Plus, I have a teenager and I'm not trying to date anyone closer to my son’s age than to my own. 

I feel like in the world of dating, no one really knows what they want or where to find it.  You meet someone who says they want this or that, but then they don't make any effort to cultivate it. No one is going to hand you the perfect relationship. Another thing that I am finding, for men and women alike, is that people are avoiding serious relationships because of the toxicity or trauma from the last relationship they were in. They swear off relationships altogether.  I can't say I don't understand that situation. The last few years of my relationship was riddled with toxicity, infidelity and instability. I couldn't take it anymore. When I finally ended it, it was such a relief to feel free again and not trying to please someone who was never happy. It was about me for once and I hit the ground running.  I am in no hurry to get into a relationship. I don't know if I ever will again get into a serious committed relationship. But I’m not too worried about it, whatever the universe brings me, I will handle it when it comes. In the meantime, it's me time. 

If you are out there single, be careful. Take care of yourself. Even though not all situations can be prevented, try to minimize the possibility of something happening by being smart about the people you meet and the people you allow into your life. 

If you are in a toxic relationship that you feel you can't ever leave, there are ways. No one should be miserable with their partner or afraid of anything.  You have more strength within you than you could ever know. You just gotta quiet the noise inside and listen to that deeper inner self- it knows you better than you do.!

Be safe out there everyone

Take care!!