Traumatic Experiences-Reframed...

 When do we reach our limits? When do we get to the point where we just will not tolerate the bullshit anymore? And does everyone get to that point or do some people just keep taking it and neglect their personal needs?

I for one have put up with more than I should have. But on the same note, I no longer put up with anyone elses nonsense. Sometimes your breaking point is a pivotal moment and sometimes it is nothing more than dealing with a life that you know you deserve so much better.

I speak about gratitude quite often.  I truly believe you cannot progress in life unless you are grateful for the things you currently have. 

As I mentioned before, I don't disclose everything about myself all at once and my openness is generally tied to a subject which I feel strongly about.  But today I am going to let you in on a very personal, difficult time in my life. My goal is not to sway you in any way shape or form but to provide an experience that quite possibly,  someone out there can relate to- as difficult as it may be, it is always better to know that there is someone out there that has gone through a similar situation. It's more therapeutic than you could ever imagine.

So my dear bloggees… strap on your seatbelts, it's about to be a bumpy ride..

In 2017, my world literally came crashing down. My partner at the time was recovering from a life threatening illness, neither of us could work..( and prior to this, he was the lead paramedic for a professional NFL team, and I was a nurse at a county jail) needless to say, we had been doing quite well for ourselves up until this time. But, what most people don't realize is that as humans we are all one bad paycheck away from disaster at any time in our lives. 

Our mortgage lender was literally the most shady lender in the history of the world and when we tried to modify, we were denied only to find out they had modified our mortgage and kept the money for themselves.--- FYI- I AM writing a book about the whole situation.

Moving on… our house was sold under our feet and the money we were supposed to automatically get, we ended up having to fight for it in court for almost a year. By that time we were evicted from the home we raised our kids in and worked so hard to have. 

From that point on, we spent 3 years living in our cars or anywhere we could afford to rest our heads. Despite the absolutely unfortunate situation, I did everything I could to keep my son in the highest of spirits and try to give him the best of everything I possibly could-focusing on the “fun” and treating it like an adventure rather than a tragedy.

November 2020, I made the very difficult decision to leave California- the state I was born and raised in and was completely faithful to, until the sentiment was no longer reciprocated. I uprooted my family, taking them away from the family we always knew and never looked back.

As difficult as it was, it truly was one of the greatest choices I ever made for my family.I ended up in (my thought process at the time) one of the most tombstone-esque towns imaginable, giving up my beautiful stilettos bc as I learned, you cannot wear stilettos in the desert- might a well be flats.

But it gave me the opportunity to start over. I got a job as a bartender in one of the biggest small town casinos and I got to know the community.  As “BFE” as it was, it provided an opportunity to start fresh and re-establish myself and more importantly, learn some things about myself that never had the chance to shine before. I finally got to live “MY” life.

There were some major changes to my family dynamic. Changes that were literally soul crushing and traumatic. But…

I survived.

And my driving force was gratitude… gratitude for the rundown trailer I lived in that provided a steady roof over my family's head. Gratitude for the landlord that threw away all of our leftover stuff when we moved out-but first gave me an opportunity to live in a safe, clean, very cute apartment which was the first stable dwelling we lived in in almost 4 years. Gratitude for the job I had in a city which was more than an hour and a half away and I had to commute, which sucked because I hate driving and it gives me anxiety.lol. But I busted my butt when I was there… and it didn't go unnoticed. 

Today, june 2025, I manage the beverage department of the biggest, most recognized casino in northern nevada and i now live in the same city.lol

  And going back to the original topic of this blog… I could not be here if I accepted anyone else's bullshit, or let anyone tell me what I can or cannot do… I had the goal of providing stability to my son, and even though some months are harder than others, I have done it. I still do it. And no matter what your circumstances are… you can too!!!

Take care little world! You are so much stronger than you even know! And I am here for you  if you ever need to talk about anything!!

See you soon!

What Lies Beneath

 Today I am going to touch on a very sensitive and personal subject. But before I do, I want everyone to remember that no one is immune to the things that can haunt us forever. We are all human and as strong as we are, or as we convince ourselves that we are, we are all still in fact human, and to feel, hurt, bleed, bend, break, bust or just to be, means that we should accept that there are things within our lives which we have no control over. Even if we think we do at the time, it can almost literally come back to bite us in the ass later.

Trauma

What does it mean? Cambridge dictionary defines it as severe and lasting emotional shock and pain caused by an extremely upsetting experience, or a case of such shock happening:

But just like any other word, it is not easily defined by one definition. 

Most people understand the general concept of trauma- something happens which has a lasting effect on the emotional wellbeing or psyche of a person.  But there is a sneaky part to trauma, a  dark side that can be far more debilitating than the initial action of it. It can lay dormant for any undetermined amount of time and then BAM!!! You find yourself 5150 in some mental institution.

While this is a possibility, it is a more extreme, although not uncommon, set of circumstances.  

Let's talk about “June” for a minute. June is a very strong minded, independent and motivated woman.  She is single and raising her child by herself. She has overcome an indescribable amount of hardships to get where she is and from the outside looking in, she embodies the image of a well put-together, and respectable woman who means business.

Last year she made the tough decision to leave her partner of 20 years. Despite her absolute love and dedication to him, she had to do what was best for her and her child.  On the outside, their love seemed solid and sure, and one of envy for those who yearned for the type of love they had. 

But…

June was enduring turbulence and turmoil. Disrespect, disregard, resentment, and agony. Emotionally tortured by the man she loved like she never loved anyone before. She gave him everything and it was never enough. He treated her like she was never enough. He blamed her for his unhappiness and for everything that had ever gone wrong in his life. He pushed her to the edge of her sanity, to the brink of emotional death, and to the point where she got lost in his lies and tried to convince her that she was overthinking and wanted her to believe she was crazy.

She had enough. She knew his “truths” were not true. She knew she was not the problem. And she knew that she would suffocate in sadness and loneliness if she stayed with him.

So she left him.

 

A year later she had moved on with her life. Re-established stability and began living for herself. She met people and even made a friend. They got close and she opened up about a lot of the things she went through.  She began to feel safe in their presence- something she did not allow herself to do with anyone, but she knew if she truly wanted to move on, she had to allow at least one person in her life again. 

Months had passed and things were going well. They were having fun but not requiring any emotional or relationship type commitments from each other and it worked perfectly for both of them. It was the one thing they both valued was the ability to be so close to someone with both wanting nothing more than to make the other person’s life better. 

One day, June got a text. It said her friend felt disrespected and that their time was not valued because they had to be somewhere but they were late because they were spending time with June. 

While this text seemed ridiculous and without merit, it did not hold any water on face value. What it did do was awaken a pain within Junes chest that reminded her of all the times she got blamed while she was with her partner.  All the things her partner accused her of that she never did but still, everything was her fault.  Suddenly, all the hurt and pain and sadness she used to feel came back to her. Like a flood of every emotion she never felt. The tears she held back and the tears she allowed to fall, all came out at the same time and she was crushed. Again. 

It was as if she was in the same place she had been a year ago. But this time, it was present in her new life, the life she created for herself, infected by the trauma which lay dormant until now. 

June had no idea the pain still existed inside her. She thought by leaving the cause of the pain behind, that it would stay there. But instead it came through so much worse than before because it was so unexpected. She had adapted to the consistent pain of her partner because it was always there. But this time, it was not supposed to be there. This person was not supposed to be able to make her feel that way. This person was supposed to be her safe space, and in one text, it changed everything. 

June’s story is unfortunately not uncommon.  People who have gone through traumatic events or are living in abusive relationships have no idea of the darkness that lies beneath even after the event or relationship is over. It is truly frightening the effect trauma can have on you and your future. 

While this message is not intended to scare you into being afraid of when it is going to rear its ugly head in the future, just know that it is possible. Be aware that if it does ever come up again, it may be due to a  possibly unknown trigger.  The positive side of this is that when it does, allow yourself to live in the moment of pain, cry if you have to, seek a friend if you have a good one, and know that this recognition is one of the first stages of healing… and remember, you’re not going to feel this way forever.

Take Care and Love yourself!

Demand Less... Get More

 Hello my dear ones! Hope all is well with each and every one of you.

Today I would like to start with a touchy subject… and then in usual fashion… go off on a completely semi-related tangent…

“Aging”

You know, it is a funny thing that even as you get older,  there are still those rare occurrences when you learn something new about yourself. Even if it is something you may already know, for some reason, it just "clicks" at one point. And no, i don't' believe the chance of this happening ever really ceases to exist, because as long as you maintain a desire to  continue to grow as a person, and then actually DO grow, it's definitely a forever possibility

That being said...

A bit about me, as  I know myself thus far...

I am very stubborn. There is no denying it.  And to catalyze it even further, I am also pretty intelligent.  The two combined make for a perfect storm of someone who, when they are right, or legitimately think they are right, will refuse to back down, or go against anything which opposes a fact, or concept.  It is a terrible blessing. 

So it should be no surprise that my path in life is paved by those who have no desire to  make things easy for me, and have more encounters with people that, for whatever reason,  find necessity in creating turbulence or instigating undue challenges.

But this is on the big picture of things, which I tend to be aware of, but do not allow it to be too influential on me. Awareness is 75% of winning the battle. 

So going back to the topic of the title...don't worry, I will get there eventually.

My nature is truly to be kind, and helpful.  I not only love being able to help people, but it is something that is instinctive to me.  I see an issue, and my first response is to try to resolve it, no matter who, what or how many are involved.  This tendency  also creates a panache  to  get things done.

I rarely complain about what needs to be done.  Rather than make a big deal about what is left undone, I would simply just do it. 

Unfortunately, this methodology is not universal. 

I enjoy doing things for people, going above and beyond without the need to be asked. I have a natural ability to recognize a need and I act upon it.

Such is the case in most instances, except...

…Expectations...

Did you know that Expectation is the first  ingredient for disappointment? Think about that for a moment. 

I am willing to do anything that needs to be done, for anyone who needs it. Untill...

….they ask for it or…

even worse, when they get upset when it is not done.

My former partner used to say that I would always not do something just because he wanted me to do it. There is a pinch, just a small pinch, of truth to that. The difference was that he believed this was something I did intentionally just despite him. Which was not the case by any means.  Now, I cannot confirm or deny that it may be my subconscious at play in that situation, because I really don’t know for certain.

The funny thing is that this is not unique to me or any of my personal situations. One of the most prominent examples is that of a teenager being asked to do something.  I have a 16 year old son and I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful he is, but that's for another post on a later day. Anyways, 9 times out of 10, when I ask him to dump the garbage or do some kind of chore, he will say,

“Well I was going to do it until you asked…or REQUIRED me to do it” sarcastically serious.

To which my rebuttal is almost always…

“Well, I know how you don’t like to be asked or reminded to do things, so I try not to. But at the same time, I can’t always wait around for you to feel like you want to do it, and I shouldn't have to do everything by myself, therefore I am forced to intervene.  So don't get all grumpy when I do, OR just get it done BEFORE I have to ask you!”

Talk about a twisted version of the chicken and the egg conundrum…sheesh.

BUUUUT… 

I can't say that I don’t completely disagree with him either, which is why I don't give him a hard time about most things.  Choose your battles right? And I don't want to be one of those nagging parents-                  

it's just as bad as that annoying micromanager who barely does their own job and surely doesn't know how to do yours, but they still try to tell you what to do.

So while there is no real moral to this story today,  instead, I leave you with a question to ponder…

“If we actually are unintentionally avoiding the things people ask us to do, why is our subconscious set in autopilot mode to do just that?”

Until next time…

Take care!

Don't pull the trigger.

I need to address a quick disclaimer regarding one of the newest trends on vlogs, and now works of literature…

Trigger Warnings”

 

The thought of “trigger warnings” included, embedded, preceded, blurbed, posted, and/or infringing upon in  any form of written literature, be it books, blogs, poetry, articles past present, and future, genuinely urks the living crap out of me.  You will never see any serious “warnings” about the content within my blogs, online writing portfolio (including all writings within that portfolio), stories and/or books written (distributed/non-distributed, published/not published).  Without getting into my opinion about the adaptation,  conformity and sensitization of our current state of society, I will just say that I find it ridiculous. 

Reading is an adventure… sometimes of the mind, the imagination, the heart and sometimes the soul. When we go on true adventures, we don’t know what is out there. There’s no “warnings” about what to expect. You don’t see signs in the wilderness that say “watch out! If you take this path you might get attacked by a painful memory!” The thrill of the unknown is a big part of any adventure, and I'm not a fan of spoilers in any way, shape or form because it takes the fun out of it. What good is an adventure without fun? 

Normally (but not always)  in most situations,  we do not pick up something to read and not know what we are reading or what we are going to be reading about. Books, for example, have “blurbs”. It's either on the back cover, or on one of the first opening pages of the book and it tells  you what it  is about. Any reasonable person could read the blurb and should have a good  idea as to what content may be included based upon its description. So if you pick up a book who’s blurb basically mentions “serial killers”, and you are triggered by the subject of “murder”, why would you read it, and why the hell do WE as writers, have to waste space in the front of our book with a “trigger warning”?????????????????

We have survived millennia of writing and beautifully crafted works of writings without “trigger warnings” and LITERALLY NO ONE has ever died purely from reading its contents.  By including one, I might as well say that we should go back and start adding them to the existing works of Shakespeare, Edgar Alan Poe, Maya Angelou, Steven King, etc.   

—--

Well look what just happened. I just created a blog based on something I said I would not dedicate even a page in a book for. Great. Thanks guys for keeping me on track. Well, I guess now you will have to wait for Part II. 

Shallow Puddle

 hello bloggees!!!

Where have I been? 

Well the short and honest answer would be…

“To Hell and back” and stopping at every gas station in between.

Lots of life changes, lots of really greats, and increasingly  minimizing the “not-so-goods”.

Progress.But as in usual fashion, you will not get the tea all in one cup. So, without further ado… 

Subjects related to “all occurring or previously occurred moments that have sparked, burned, lit, or heated the creativity flame of my being.”

Ahhh, dating. 

Ummmm dating?

Errr dating after 40…

I don't even know where to start with this one. (what else is new, right? ;)

I can only sum it up by one very honest, truthful, and painfully correct statement ever made about dating after long relationships (like 15+ years long).  

“The last time I was single I was 24 and the dating pool was everyone. And now it's like a shallow puddle of age-appropriate men who are old and gross and I don't want to do that!!!” 

Leslie Mann, The Other Woman (2014)

This could not be more true. 

The last time I was single I was 25, actually.. I am now 44 and have been single for a year now. I am in a new apartment, new city, new state, new job, new body and a fresh state of mind. 

So how does this all add up? 

Well, being in a new city/state, I really don't know anyone at all. It's over an hour and a half away from the last place I lived before moving here, so it's not some short drive to “hang out with old friends”. Making “new friends” here poses a new challenge due  to my work schedule.  I work 5 nights (11pm-7am) a week, including weekends, making any attempt to make new friends or to try to “date” extremely difficult to navigate. 

My new job was actually a promotion, which puts me in a position where I am now managing and supervising all of my previous  work friends (that I used to hang out with outside of work hours), therefore requiring (by personal choice) a significant decrease in the amount of outside interaction with them in order to reduce risk of conflicts of interest, and maintaining work-appropriate relationships, etc. 

This leaves me with maybe 3 or 4 friends outside of work, none of which share my work schedule so whenever we hang out, one of us is going to be suffering for it at work the next day/night.

But… on a positive note, my new job also is very physically demanding and has had a surprisingly beneficial effect on my overall physical being, aka, “new body”, which has led to increased morale, bump up in confidence and  a positive  “fresh state of mind”... so there's that.

That last change couldn't be more appropriate  and necessary when re-entering the world of dating after almost 20 years. 

Imagine 20 years of not being in the dating scene. Before I dive into the dating world as I know it now, let's go over some of the changes I have noticed.

1. Dating apps- like the ones on your phone- they did not exist when I was last single. I'm on the fence about them honestly. On one hand you have almost an unlimited amount of potential suitors in literally the palm of your hand. However, you don't know if they are real people, the options are a bit questionable, many of them are scammers, and many times-in my experience about 80% of the people who I have tried to set up meets never show up and you never hear from them again-sometimes they actually take down their profile the day of the first meet up. So that is a big waste of time especially for someone who’s time off is really limited.

2. ENM- this is Ethical Non-Monogomy. It's basically when a married couple allows the other partner to date outside of the marriage, sometimes having outside girlfriends or boyfriends.  This is not to be confused with “polyamory” which has been around for some time now, but the difference is that ENM couples do not share each other's partners. It is someone they choose outside of the relationship and it stays outside of the relationship but everyone knows about each other and everyone is essentially ok with it.   So how is this a change? Well, 20 years ago, if a guy was married, he would not tell you, sometimes until way later when you actually started liking the guy. And then youre the one that looks like a homewrecker.  Oddly enough, I find this change to be my favorite bc at least they are being honest for once.-Doesn't mean just because they tell me they are married and their partner is ok with it, it doesn't mean I am going to partake. 

3. My dating pool.  The earlier quote really did sum it up for me. Where once I could pick and choose who I wanted to date because the options were limitless, however the older you get, the less desirable your candidates are.  I look really young for my age. Most people guess 10 years younger than I actually am. Which is great, but unfortunately, most men have not aged so gracefully. After 35 it seems that men seem to age very quickly so 35 yr olds look 45 sometimes and 45=55, and i'm just not ok with that market yet. I'm ok with growing old together but we gotta be in it together. I'm just not attracted to older looking men yet.  On the contrary, I don't date under 30 because they just don't have the maturity level necessary to handle a super independent female. Plus, I have a teenager and I'm not trying to date anyone closer to my son’s age than to my own. 

I feel like in the world of dating, no one really knows what they want or where to find it.  You meet someone who says they want this or that, but then they don't make any effort to cultivate it. No one is going to hand you the perfect relationship. Another thing that I am finding, for men and women alike, is that people are avoiding serious relationships because of the toxicity or trauma from the last relationship they were in. They swear off relationships altogether.  I can't say I don't understand that situation. The last few years of my relationship was riddled with toxicity, infidelity and instability. I couldn't take it anymore. When I finally ended it, it was such a relief to feel free again and not trying to please someone who was never happy. It was about me for once and I hit the ground running.  I am in no hurry to get into a relationship. I don't know if I ever will again get into a serious committed relationship. But I’m not too worried about it, whatever the universe brings me, I will handle it when it comes. In the meantime, it's me time. 

If you are out there single, be careful. Take care of yourself. Even though not all situations can be prevented, try to minimize the possibility of something happening by being smart about the people you meet and the people you allow into your life. 

If you are in a toxic relationship that you feel you can't ever leave, there are ways. No one should be miserable with their partner or afraid of anything.  You have more strength within you than you could ever know. You just gotta quiet the noise inside and listen to that deeper inner self- it knows you better than you do.!

Be safe out there everyone

Take care!!

Well Served

 Hello everyone! Today is Sunday, my Friday, yay!
On the menu this evening, is....
Service. 
Good old, quality service.
Well, unfortunately, good quality service is not what it used to be. 
I am not sure what has happened in this world, but for some reason, it is no longer a requirement (in the customer service industry) that a person be: 

• Friendly

• Polite

• Personable

• Happy(ish)

• Patient

• all about their service or

• sober

Ok,  like I said in my first post, I am not one to divulge all about me in a post or two, but you will get a bit here and there, usually related to the subject of that post.  In such respect, just know that what you are reading now, is something that I take pretty seriously-not like life or death serious, more like I hold a lot of value in the importance of it. So here it goes.
 
I have spent almost my entire work history in the service industry (customer service and related)- Waitress, retail, home remodel, repair, bartending, Nursing, and back to bartending, which is what I do now.  Yes, I am aware I am way over qualified to be a bartender, given my background, but I really do love it- but more on that later.  I genuinely appreciate good customer service.  Not just from others, but I expect the same from myself when I work. It is a bit of an art, and it is not for everyone, but those who do it, should really be good at it, and actually give a bit of a s*** when encountering people in general.  If you work in customer service, and you don't like people, then what the hell are you doing? Go work in an underground tunnel or something. I don't mean to be harsh, well, kinda, but the value is depreciating exponentially, and people are forgetting to just be nice. 
 
Ok, enough venting, let's get back on track. 
 
In the past few months of working where I am now, I have gotten a lot of compliments on how well I do my job, how great I am with people, and even my boss trusts me enough to run the place while he goes on vacation (for the first time in five years.)
 
It's not that I am going above and beyond or anything, I am really just doing my job. Apparently that has been very difficult for previous bartenders there, and other places locally who can't seem to show up, or when they do, proceed to out-drink the customers then be incapable of even standing up behind the bar, while on shift, or they fight with the customers during shift, and embarrass themselves by getting wasted in the bar on their days off. 
 
I am finding these are pretty regular occurrences. I, for one, am NOT that way. I wouldn't consider that I take my work too seriously. Instead I prefer to take it responsibly.  The difference is that my job is just my job, and while it does impact my financial well being, it really is not that serious, compared to, for example,  the well being of my family.  Plus, it is really hard to be a "serious bartender"- talk about boring.  But I do take it responsibly. 
 
My job requires that I am able to know when a person should stop drinking- to look for signs, and be able to cut that person off from drinking anymore. So if I am behind the bar, drinking, my judgment is impaired and that completely contradicts my job and responsibility as a bartender. Of course people offer to buy me drinks on shift all of the time, and most of the time I decline, or I tell them they can buy me one after my shift. But you will never see me even buzzed while I am working. 
 
Getting back to the subject of service, I have found that good service is on a serious decline.  For me, there is nothing worse than going out to eat or to a store and  being waited on or assisted by rude people or terrible service.  It's like, "Do you really have to act like that?"
 
Grumpy, impatient, unqualified, miserable, pushy, and just plain crappy people have no business in the service industry. If you hate your job, QUIT!!! Don't take it out on me because you do not want to be there. Seriously!!! What is the point of working in a job you hate? Why? 
 
When I say I don't take my job too seriously, I mean that whatever happens at work, or if I have a rough day, I don't take it home or to my family. If you do, then you will be miserable at work and at home, with no place or time to defuse.  There are an unfortunate number of people who absolutely hate their jobs, and often the people they work with.
 
my advice... don't do it. 
 
Find something you enjoy. So you are not pissed that you have to go to work and angry from your day when you get home.  If you are glad to go to work, you will usually be happy when you get home from it.  It's true. Try it sometime...
 
I am not going to say that I have never worked in a job that I didn't like. Luckily they didn't last long for different reasons, but I was always glad to be moving on.
 
If you think about how much time we actually spend working- away from our families, missing out on things we wish  we could be a part of.  Wouldn't it be so much better for us if we were happy to be there?
 
When I mentioned being overqualified for the job, I know I could be working for some big company, using all of my education, pushing a pencil or sitting behind a desk in a corner office, but that is not for me. I love what I do, and I am really, really good at it.  I'm not going to get rich from it, nor am I going to do it forever. But I am going to do it while I still can, and while I still enjoy it.  Then one day, when I get bored with it, I will move on to something else that I enjoy...
 
And you should too!!!
 
Take care out there, and be happy while you're at it!
 
See you soon. 

What kids?

  Hello all. Hopefully everyone is doing well.  I had an interesting day at work today. I will spare you the details and just say that I am happy to be safe at home, in the comfort of my keyboard. Thanks for joining me. 
    So today I would like to let you all in on a little secret. Well, a couple of secrets actually. But before I do, I will share with you a little story- completely relative to the eventual point of this post.  ok, so...
    A few years ago, my partner was a groomsman in a wedding. The bride/groom did not have children at the time, so when it came to the usual pre-wedding festivities, rehearsal dinner, etc., they had a pretty strict  no-kids allowed policy-understandable. Well, when it came to the rehearsal dinner, my partner and I had absolutely no other childcare options, so either we did not go (which wasn't going to happen) or our son came with us.  So we opted for the latter.
    So our son, two or three years old at the time, (which would normally be the most difficult of ages) sat between my partner and I  throughout the entire dinner. At the end, the bride comes up to us and asks us when our "sitter" dropped off our son. A little confused but somewhat knowing what she meant, we asked "what do you mean?"
    "Your son? When did the sitter drop him off?"
    "We didn't have a sitter tonight. He has been here the whole time"
Now, I don't know what was my favorite part about the conversation- the fact that we had such a well behaved child that he could sit without incident for the entire two hour dinner among adults, or the expression on her face when she found out he had been there the whole time, without even the slightest hint that he was there. Either way, she told me later that she was impressed at how well he behaved, and was still in shock that they had no idea he was there. 
****
So now comes the secret I told you I would share with you.  Now I am in no way an expert, nor am I a professional in any psychology or child development field, I am just a parent, who, actually am not a fan of children in general- at least not as I have encountered them.  And I never actually intended on having them at all.  I never had one of those ticking clocks-as they put it, nor did I fantasize about being a parent at all.  I was perfectly ok with never having them. 
However, when I met my partner, he had two daughters already, and he was such a wonderful father, and the bond between them was so unique and special, that for the first time in my life, I actually considered the possibility of maybe. So we decided to take steps to find out if I was in fact able to have children, because at the time, I had some medical issues that may have prevented the possibility. So we committed to just taking a test to see if it was possible.  Before I could take the test,  I found out I was actually pregnant.  Now, I told him and everyone else at the time, that IF, big IF I was to ever have a kid, it would be one boy and that was it. I would be done. It could not be a girl, it had to be a boy, and only one.  
    Luckily I got my wish. The most perfect little boy, with the biggest heart and so beautiful inside and out. Still to this day he does not let a day go by without telling me he loves me and makes sure I get my minimum of daily hug--and he is thirteen now, and still does this.
    Getting back to my point. So how does such a wonderfully behaved child come to be? Besides a lot of love, positive attention, and even more love, there are some secrets too.

    We have all been to restaurants where there is one family with that one or couple of kids who can't sit still, get up and wander, make a lot of unnecessary noise, disruptive, tantrums, etc... 
And we ask why do they act like that or why do their parents let them act like that? Simple. 
Because they are in a situation that they are not familiar with and they have no idea how to act. You see, the problem here lies in the fact that these kids don't get to go out much. Their parents leave them home, with sitters, other family etc, so when they go to a restaurant, they have no idea how they are supposed to act or what they are supposed to do. So they resort to their most primitive behaviors- exploration, vocal expression, squirmy-ness when forced to sit in a high chair or an uncomfortable dining chair, eating food they are not familiar with. It is completely foreign to them, and for valid reasons.
    As soon as my son had enough of his immunizations to be out in public as a baby, I took him EVERYWHERE with me; grocery stores, restaurants, running errands, appointments, literally everywhere.  He did everything with me.  He eventually became accustomed  to being out and about, so being out did not seem so foreign.  There was no unfamiliarity as to how to act because it was nothing new. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him, therefore he could act accordingly. 
To this day, at the age of 13, I still have had no behavioral issues or conflicts with him, almost at all-but hey, there is still time right? 

Secret #2
I am not sure where this came from, or what made me come up with it, but when it comes to addressing bad behavior, or “scolding” a child ( I am not really a fan of this word, but you get the idea) How do you do it? Do you stand over them, talking down to them addressing it with your finger pointed at them angrily? Sure, if you want to make them feel like crap. Try something different.  Bend down on one knee, get down to their height, and situation yourself just below their eye level. Now explain to them calmly what they did, why it is wrong, and what to do in the future if something like that should happen again. Make sure you maintain eye contact and some form of (appropriate) physical touch like holding their hand.
What does this do? For one it teaches them that when something is important, you maintain eye contact. Their physical touch shows that you still love them and you are not angry with them (even if you are upset). But most importantly, you show them that you are looking up to them.  By cowering over them, you make them feel inferior.  You are talking down to them. Isn’t it more important that we try to raise our children up, not push them down? We don’t want to bully our children. We want to raise them confidently.
Speaking of confidence, let's move to the next secret.

Secret #3
When my son was four or five, we had returned home from a shopping trip. The day had been one of nightmares, from being late to something important, to forgetting my debit card at the grocery store, it was hotter than hell outside, I hadn't had a chance to eat that day, I had a headache , and broke a shopping bag on the way up the stairs.  So, needless to say I was already a bit on edge. While making dinner, I knocked over the jar of spaghetti sauce and it shattered into million pieces and the contents splattered the entire kitchen like some horrendous crime scene.  Probably still swearing a bit, my son came in to investigate.
“Oh my gosh what a mess. Is dinner almost ready?” 
Enraged by the whole situation, and irritated at him having the nerve to ask me if dinner was ready when it was obviously painting the kitchen already, I lashed out.
“Are you freaking kidding me???!!!” I stomped like a child to my room, slammed the door, and sat on the bed burying my face in my hands.
A few breaths later and I looked up by the door. Next to it, I kept one of those photo strips that you get at arcades where you can take multiple photos and they all print out on the strips. There was always one of me and my son making the same goofy faces with each other. I purposefully kept it there so it was the last thing I saw before I started my day because it always made me smile.  
This moment did so many things for me. I asked myself, “what am I doing? “
If I wanted to raise a confident little boy, I can’t have him thinking that my bad days have anything to do with him. If I continue to act like this when something goes wrong, he is always going to think that “mommy is in a bad mood and it is all my fault” That is never what I want.  I want him to know that people are going to have bad days, but never to suspect that it is because of anything he did or didn’t do. 
So I gathered myself together, opened my door, and found him sitting quietly on his bed.  I got on one knee next to him. Held his hand and looked him right in the eyes. 
“I am sorry I yelled at you. You did nothing wrong. I am having a bad day and it is not your fault. You are the best part of my days, and I need you to know that my bad days are never because of you or anything you did or didn’t do.  I love you, and I am sorry for yelling at you. “
He hugged me and in that moment, I learned the single most important thing- how to apologize genuinely and the value of what it can do for a person. 
So what is the secret?  Never takes things out on your children. Don’t allow your child to ever feel like YOUR bad days are their fault. This only leads them to feeling guilty over nothing, usually not understanding why. Show them that they are a positive in your life and never a negative. This can lead them to be confident and by teaching real apologies (the way my son showed me indirectly) it makes them more self aware as well as being aware and cognizant of the emotional well-being of others. 
****

Now there are a couple more very important secrets that I would like to share with you, but like they say, never give away all your secrets at once! Plus, this is a blog and not a novel, So for now, you have a few to get started and we will continue this another time. 

I do want to just leave you with a few final thoughts:
We are not here to brutally teach the way of the world to our kids.  We really need to learn how to do it with a little more finesse and compassion.  We cannot expect them to know what we know or punish them for not knowing- it is our job to teach them. Just be aware of what exactly we are teaching them, because how we raise them will affect an entire world around them as they get older. The point here is that we all have the potential to really screw up our kids. But there is greater potential to help them become the best versions of themselves that we can- confident, smart, personable, healthy, and kind.  None of this is possible if we don’t help and support them. 

Now, like I mentioned before,  I do not claim to be any form of an expert, nor am I educated specifically in child development. Anything I share here is purely based upon both observations, and my personal experiences.  And knowing that all kids are not the same, these kinds of things may not work for everyone, and each parent has to make the decisions they feel is best for them and the ones they are raising.

Thanks for being here!

Take care.