Exceptional

 Hello beautiful world and a Happy New Year!

Today I would like to dedicate this blog to my grandpa Ron. I wish we could be spending the holidays with you  in person, but know that I am always there with you.

This is for you...

                    Its called "Exceptional"

There’s a unique beauty in this world.

It gives us many reasons to celebrate.

From birthdays, holidays, graduations, love…

And with a few that make absolutely no sense

*like national talk like a pirate day.

…to each their own scurvy way I suppose

Once in a great while,

We are given an exceptional reason to celebrate.

Once in a great while, 

We are given exceptional people to celebrate with.

My world was blessed with two remarkably exceptional people…

And those people have created

nothing less,

Than exceptional things,

Memories,

Traditions,

Values,

They created an exceptional legacy.

Today can be a difficult day of celebration

But we cannot let that overcome us. 

Today we should be filled with gratitude,

But it's easy for us to feel grief.

Too easy.

While today marks your anniversary

A day that celebrates the anniversary of your wedding,

It may feel like you should be celebrating it together.

But…

You still are.

The date is significant, yes,

But what it signifies means so much more

On the day of your wedding, 

You created a life together

A very good life together.

That day created happy

and beautiful homes,

An example to lead by,

A comfort to believe in, 

And more importantly,

One to count on.

That day created a beautiful world, 

Full of swimming,

Flame burgers,

Head banging,

Endless Dancing,

Pate and Brie with green apples

Thanksgiving football games

Lobster and Filet Minon- Med rare of course.

Family game nights and Bingo

Oakland A's Games

Summers stacking cousins in the house like Jenga blocks,

Oh, and sleep depriving noise

of Jenga blocks...

falling on the wood table in the kitchen.

The Sounds,

Sites,

Smells,

Serenity,

All unforgetble.

No part of your union has ever stopped.

Together you have created a never ending,

Forever remembered,

Continuation of the love you shared with each other,

And the love you gave and showed to each and every one of us. 

That is something special to celebrate!

Happy Forever Love Legacy Day!

-From Afar,

         Kitten

And Kudos to you guys for putting up with all of us crazies for so long!--

→But you are partially responsible

WE ALL LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!

The Biggest Kid

 Hello world! 

A few posts back I wrote about a piece dedicated to the memory of my grandfather, and how it provided healing and closure for me, and I promised to include it in a future post. So without further ado...

The Biggest Kid

Easing towards the corner, I crept up as stealthily as a giddy seven year girl could possibly muster.  With my nose pressed against the wall, I slid over just enough for one eye to peer down the hall.

Sploooosh!!

Blasted square in the eye by the most heinous streams of water.  Through the pain and the flooded eyeball I could see him. Still standing there with the giant “Rambo” water bazooka held up to his face, and only his giant smile was visible.

“Hehehehehe” He giggled mischievously then dashed behind the wall still chuckling at the perfect shot.

“Time-out!!!” I yelled sternly

“No time-outs!” he returned disappointedly from behind the cover of the kitchen wall.

There he stood, like I will always remember him- looking goofy and wild eyed behind his Jerry Lewis glasses.  Fitted in his three piece black suit, dress shirt unbuttoned at the top, and a pair of black Stacy Adams shoes.  Not a day went by that I ever saw him wearing anything less than a suit. He was half grinning with his Rambo gun down at his side.

Seeing him with his guard down I quickly lifted my AR-51 assault water rifle, pulled the trigger and laughed hysterically as it pumped water in quick powerful bursts right into his  chest.

His giggle returned as he retreated once again towards the kitchen and called me a "jerk".

I could hear him creeping around the other side of the wall trying to sneak up on me. Very quietly I approached the rest of his guns, climbing up the trunk and slowly pulling the last machine gun off the wall,  placing the strap around my neck and shoulders.

Suddenly there was a loud thump, then a chuckle followed by the sound of water blasting, then a scream…

“Dad!!” 

Leaping from the trunk with the gun still on my shoulder, towards the end of the hallway, I came upon  a sight like no other. The walls were drenched with water. Droplets fell from the ceiling- and in the middle of it, my mom, soaked from chest down with her hair sticking to her neck and face, fuming.

Every breath in my lungs escaped me as I rolled on the floor laughing uncontrollably.  My grandpa just stood there like a child about to be in big trouble. 

We spent almost every Easter with my mom’s dad, “Grandpa Tito” is what we called him. We would go to this huge  park near San Francisco and have a big family picnic.  My mom would always dress me and my sister in these frilly white dresses with leggings and little white fancy shoes. She’d put our hair in perfect curls and tried to match our outfits as closely as possible. I was a tomboy and hated every minute of it.  At least until we got to the park.  

Within minutes of arriving my sister and I would lay on the grass and roll down this huge hill towards the picnic tables. 

“Do you see what they are doing?” exclaimed my mom to my dad.

“ I thought your dad was supposed to be watching them!”

Oh, he was. He always had his blind eyes on us. But not quite the way one would think.

 Not too far behind my sister, was my grandpa, with his hands above his head, barrel rolling down the hill just like we were. My dad would just smile in his biggest grin and laugh it off. 

“At least you already took some pictures.” 

 My mom didn't find it quite as funny.

                                                      ******

This is the way I will always remember my grandfather. The biggest kid of all. He loved us so much and he simply adored my mother. She was his everything. No matter what was going on in our lives, he was always there to take care of us. He helped with bills when times were tough, and made sure we had what we needed. On top of that, growing up with him was a lot of fun.

When I got older, I left my home town to pursue my career and started a family. I rarely came home to visit and often wasn't able to be present for many of the get-togethers. It was really hard on my family not seeing me,especially my grandfather. It caused a great deal of distance between us and our relationship was never quite what it used to be. At one point, I did return home. My grandfather was having trouble living by himself so I moved in to help take care of him, and to take some of the responsibility off my mom who was overwhelmed with everything, and under a lot of stress from the demand.  

For years I had told my husband about how wonderful my grandfather was- the fun we had and how he was always so good to us.  Unfortunately, the man I was now living with, no longer resembled the man I always spoke so highly of.  He was demanding, disrespectful, inconsiderate, angry and impossible to please. Still, I took care of him. I was patient with him, and treated him with the respect I felt he had earned while I was growing up.  But that wasn’t what he wanted.  I don’t think he even knew what he wanted.  Living with him became almost impossible. 

When he was being his most difficult, I just closed my eyes and reminded myself of the “grandpa” I always knew. He was still there inside of him, and there were moments when he knew it too. I think sometimes he did the same- tried to remind himself of the “grandpa” he used to be. Occasionally we shared the relationship we once knew, but those times got fewer and farther apart. We both knew things would never be the same, but all of me, and a part of him, still held on to those memories. 

Tensions rose between us, and I ended up moving out of his place. It’s not that I left on bad terms, but they were not pleasant either. Not for any other reasons other than circumstances, I didn't see or talk to him for several months after that. I never needed to ask how he was doing because my mom always offered it within the frustrated conversations about him when she returned from visiting him.  It was obvious things were not getting any better.

Looking back, I feel a bit regretful that I didn't realize what was going on. Having been a nurse prior to this, I should have recognized what his mannerisms and actions were demonstrating. My grandfather was beginning to show signs of dementia.  While he has always been a stubborn old mule, the dementia only amplified his obstinence, and added other “undesirable” attitudes towards those around him. In a clinical setting, it may have been easier to detect with those patients whose mental stability began to decline.  But when it happens to a loved one, you tend to take their behaviors personally and torture yourself with the question of “why are they being this way to me?” You don’t want to blame them, although it is too easy not to when it often feels like you are the target of their anger and frustrations. The truth is, they are dealing with much more than just wondering why they are being a certain way.  They are dealing with getting older and less independent, memory loss, grief from losing all of their friends to old age as well, the realization of how close death may actually be, the fear of what will happen to their loved ones when they are gone, and their overall health at the time. Those with dementia have all those fears, but often do not know how to deal with them on top of the emotional distress that comes with it. All of this can be overwhelming, and often causes them to lash out for what we may consider the tiniest of things. More than likely this is what was going on with my grandfather

Not too long after I moved out of his place, I moved out of state. But before this, I did see my grandfather one more time. It had been a few months since we last spoke, but he had come to visit my mom like he did every day, and I just happened to be there. When he left, I walked him to his car and helped him get in. I kissed him on the cheek, gave him a hug and told him that I loved him.  

That was the last time I ever saw or spoke to my grandpa. He passed away about a year later. It still pains me that I couldn’t attend his funeral. I tried everything in my power to make the trip but I was in no position to do so.  I picture him wearing the gleaming white three piece zoot suit with the gold dress shirt and matching handkerchief I had chosen for him. He wouldn’t have wanted to be buried any other way.  I had always been the one picking out his suits and dressing him to the nines.  It was a funny bond we shared,  that I knew exactly how he wanted to look, and he was always grateful for that. 

 I couldn't be more grateful for every good time we shared, and that I was given the opportunity to make things right between us-despite how unsuccessful it seemed at the time, at least I can say I honestly tried. Mostly I am grateful that I don't regret the last words I ever said to him. I told him exactly what my heart needed him to know and I hope he remembered those as my last words as well.

Reflection

Missing his funeral was one of the hardest parts of losing him. One would normally expect me to be the first one there and the last to leave, but never to not be there at all. I wasn’t there to honor his life, after his death, and it’s something I thought would haunt me for the rest of my life…until today

 This piece is in honor of him. In honor of the wonderful man he always was by loving his family so unselfishly, with such laughter, good times. In honor of the very strange, although well intended things he taught me, all the weddings and parties we used to swing dance together, and all of our long walks and short trolly rides. I write this to finally honor all of the things I didn't get to say at his funeral, and many of the  wonderful  things I hope he knows that I loved so much about him.

En"Rich"ing your better self.

Hello my beautiful world. I hope everyone's days shines bright even if you are nocturnal— like me. Lol Yes, I am nocturnal. Not to be confused by night owls.

What's the difference you ask?  Night owls have some element of control over the hours in which they keep. Nocturnal, much like spiders, have no say in the matter and exist naturally under the light of the moon and not the sun. That is me, and that is who i am. Moving on…

Tonight was interesting. And not so much in a good way but in a very eye opening way. I have a really good friend who has only ever been respectful and fantastic to me. But tonight, I kinda messed up because I let my natural fight or flight instinct kick in when it was absolutely NOT necessary.  When you live a life of protecting yourself, and being your own warrior, it's hard to adjust to genuine, good hearted people. You spend so much time getting hurt, that, while unintentional, your self preservation interferes with people who are just as damaged as you are.

Re-building your strength is never easy. Finding someone who is trying to do the same without walking all over you is even harder. I get scared when people get close. Which is why I don't let people get close. Relationship trauma is something that has plagued me for years and because of my experience in life, I don't forget, but I fail to realize sometimes that there are people who are on a path as I am to meet genuine people with no intention other than to just exist without toxicity and drama, and for that I AM SORRY.
I am not perfect. And I am navigating uncharted territory when I encounter those who are NOT trying to get over on me or trying to kick me when I'm down. But I am learning to recognize this, and I am trying to find that fine line between protecting myself and allowing the good souls in- as few and far between as they are. So at my ripe old age of “none of your business”lol, I am at a pre-kindergarten age of seeing people in a different light other than constant protection mode. 

So to any of those who I encounter, know that I am kind, and good intentioned.  But I am a human who has live ** years of toxicity and I want nothing more on this earth than to change that energy. And I hope, if anyone else is in the same place, be patient with yourself,  and if a situation arises and you walk away feeling like an asshole, you probably are being one, so apologize! Even if life experience tells you otherwise, not everyone in this world is shitty… just saying.
Take care of each other. 
See you soon!!!

The Gift

 In all of my blogs, I like to keep a good variety of subjects and I would say that I hold that to be mostly true.  But just as in life, sometimes there are periods of time, where variation takes a backseat to addressing more important or pressing issues. My intention here is not focused on any one thing in particular, but when matters arise, they should be discussed. 
Before I get started, I want to include a link to a song that is very personal to me. It has been the “theme song” to all of my endeavors, challenges, and my overall position in life. I would like you to listen to it after you read this blog. I hope in some way it resonates with you, and if it does not, just know that the lyrics speak volumes about yours truly.  If you do listen to it before reading the blog, maybe listen to it afterwards as well and see if anything changes for you…
https://youtu.be/KxnpFKZowcs?si=q9tsNafIpyCu9JVa
On a personal level, lately I have been going through a lot of changes, reflection, introspection, and on a rare occasion, emotional meltdowns. While some may encounter similar situations calling it a weakness, I call it being human. And if you do not have those days, you are either lying to yourself, or you are not of this species- and I mean this from the depth of my soul.
There are people, such as myself, who have spent their whole lives being the “rock” for other people.  You are the strength that no one else has, the one who rises against injustices, the person no one ever sees cry, the shoulder to cry on, the one who “always has it together”, and a million other “knight and shining armor” images cast upon you. This is not a lie, or a facade. It is both a blessing and a curse. But more importantly, it is a HUGE responsibility.  This responsibility is accepted not by choice, but by destiny (for lack of a better term). Those who it is bestowed upon are subject to a life of conflict between both good will and loneliness.
The truth is that people need people- emotionally, physically, psychologically and intellectually. Our well-being is directly dependent upon the relationships we have with other people. When we don't have those relationships, we are feral at best. But even when we do have people in our lives, situations arise where something more is needed. When we reach breaking points, or have a decision we need to make or have made, or there's a shift in our norms such as a break up, a death, a job loss, or just the realization that our lives are not what we imagined. All human instances, all potentially painful, all requiring the understanding, and hopefully the compassion of another soul.  We cannot avoid any of these no matter how hard we try. Control is a literal illusion and if these events are meant to occur, they will, AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
But….
There are people. People who allow you to temporarily succumb to your sadness, express your anger or your disdain, to live in your moment of whatever emotion you need to express… to be your “rock”- to lean on, to cry to, to shout at, to be silent, to give you strength or solitude, to be whatever it is that you need to be at that time, and to allow you to live in the moment of your emotions so you can deal with them and move forward.
I am one of those people. I have been so my entire life. It is a massive responsibility and one of the loneliest gifts you could ever imagine. The ability to bring comfort to others is an amazing thing and I would not trade it for anything. But all good things come with a price. Every good deed I do, or kindness I show, is done so with the most purest of intention and with absolutely no expectation of return. But that is my own personal way. And while I do not ask for or seek anything in return, I continue to do so with full knowledge that for people like me, there is no reciprocity. I am the most optimistic, silver lining, always finding the good in all, positive being… but for me, there is not going to be someone who can be for me what I can be for others… at least not unconditionally, or permanently, or genuinely, and some days that can be a really hard pill to swallow. 
This acknowledgement will never prevent me from being that someone for someone. I will never shy away or back down from providing comfort to anyone. I will never expect anything in return, or turn anyone away, nor will I ever judge anyone who needs “a person”, because not everyone has been gifted with the strength I have been given, and for that I am truly grateful. 
-but PS. Some days, it sucks to be that strong. Lol.- just keeping it real. 
To all my rocks out there… In case no one has ever told you… Thank you. You are sooooo necessary, so amazing, so lovely, and selfless. There are more of you that exist out there, believe it or not. Stay strong, stay beautiful and stay grateful!! It's worth it, and so are you.
Take care of yourself!
See you soon.

Finding Purpose

hello everyone! I hope everyone is still breathing! lol. If not... why haven't you called me??? lol. jk. In that case,,, lets just get real for a second....
On we go!!
 Little credit is given to those who give it all and do not receive anything in return. This is because those who give it all, never expect anything in return. Their mission in life is selfless. And despite their actual needs, they are never needy. They could live their whole lives attempting to improve the lives of others…  not for any reward, or recognition, but because they are drawn to it. It is natural, and is felt from the core of their being, that the people they encounter or help or even listen to, need to feel something, and even if it is not the entirety of their something, we are willing to give as much as we are in order for them to feel “anything”. 
IF you are still following, my message is this…. I have accepted my place on this earth as a person who will not get everything they desire, nor have an easy life, and despite how hard I work…. As the talented and amazing, yet late Chester Bennington would say…. “I tried so hard, and got so far…. But in the end, it doesnt even matter.”
But theres no real negativity to claim in this statement, because as difficult as my life has been, my hard work may not matter for me in what I do, but I hope I said something or did something for someone…. that did matter. And even if  my life was less than what I have earned I can only hope that what I did or said, did SOMETHING, OR ANYTHING for someone else…
Because life is not about what we get out of it, it's about making the most out of life, even if it's for someone else…
And I am perfectly ok with that….
Take care little world! You are so much bigger than you even know!
PS... I would never discredit the beautiful gifts of people I have in my life, and I am in no way NOT grateful for those gifts- my perfectly amazing miracle of a son, and my appropriately necessary crazy family.... Blessings come from strange places. lol.lol

Plateau (Part1)

 Good evening my dear ones. I hope you are all fantastic!!!I If not, spread kindness. 

Tonight I had an interesting thought- whether you agree on if it is interesting or not will be indicated by where you place your cursor right now. 

Pick me!! Pick me!!!

-Just kidding. No matter what, I am extremely grateful for you if you are reading this right now, so thank you, truly, thank you!

Ok, so do you remember (depending on your age) when there was so much to be excited for?Or when feelings were still "new". The anticipation of something different or a new experience??

If you are not sure what I am talking about, congratulations, you have your whole life ahead of you and you should definitely make the absolute Bestest most out of it!!!

At this point in my life, when I reflect on my overall emotional stats and wellbeing, I find much of it to be a bit oxymoron-ish, yet almost conflicted. I should probably break it down before I confuse myself... which, who only knows what it will do to you! So for the purpose of trying to keep on track, let's break the sentiments down individually. I cannot promise any of this will make any sense, but lets just hope for the best!

1. Excitement!- I have found that the older I get, the less I have to be excited for. In general, when you are in elementary school, you cannot wait to be in high school, or get your drivers license, or turn 21. (Tangent disclaimer in 3...2...1...) 

   ok so maybe this is a buzzkill, but it's quite hilarious at the moment... I've been a bartender for many years and whenever someone showed up on their 21st birthdays, or close to it, they were always so proud to show off their ability  to drink, finally!!!. So for those beautiful souls, I would say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And congratulations.... you officially have NOTHING to look forward to anymore until retirement!!" brutal, yes, but always gets a strange look, and then a laugh  because. for one, it's the MF truth, and two, I get to see their faces as they go into deep contemplation mode but then of course I offer to make them a birthday shot on the house. I keep shit real, but not in a Debbie downer sort of way. annnnyyywaysss...

As perception-based as it actually is, my perception is that I find it harder and harder to be actually "excited" for things as I would have when I was younger.  Now this could be just me, because my life has followed a non-traditional timeline and path, therefore I may not be the best expert in this specific category...

 I will explain.. 

As a female, it is the general status quo, as young girls or young ladies, to be infatuated with/excited about the concept of meeting that special guy and getting married, the honeymoon, the biological clock ticking desire to become a mom...etc. 

Well, It's never been quite like that for me. I am 45 years old and have never been married. I was engaged twice, but marriage never happened. And the biological clock ticking... NEVER FELT IT, NOT EVEN CLOSE, NOT EVEN ONCE.  I literally never ever had any burning desire or feeling of obligation to generate offspring.lol. But that's just me. However, when I DID get pregnant and found out I was going to have a boy... talk about joyous bells ringing and absolute relief that I would not have to worry about pink bows and girly shit. I'm just not that type. Plus, I  already had two absolutely amazing and beautiful step daughters that taught me so much about being a parent, and it was such an honor to be able to love them like they were my own- I cannot express enough how ABSOLUTELY LUCKY I have been with the three children I have had the pleasure of being a part of their lives for so long, Somehow, somewhere, I did Something right to have my girls Carissa and Alicia, and my baby boy, Lysandro in my life!!! What a wonderful gift!!!!

Ok, side tracked yet again. I have a feeling this will be a 2-part subject, but for now..Onwaard we go!!

Where were we... excitement. I feel like I have the occasional tastes of excitement, like "I'm excited to see you" or "looking forward to this or that" but for the most part, nowhere near what excitement used to mean growing up... awe the good old days…

…Ok, balancing the playing board now. 

2. Sadness/Hurt/pain In the same respect, these may follow a similar pattern   When we are younger, the concept of sadness/hurt borders on dramatic but is usually short lived. As children, we tend to be more resilient when it comes to these emotions. Whether it is due to our notion that there is so much more out there in the world than to dwell on those feelings, or maybe it's because we don't have the capacity to truly understand the pain we are feeling or supposed to feel. Maybe it's neither. 

Again, for me, my degree of these emotions did not follow that pattern. It's been more of a bell-curve. I feel like growing up I was able to keep a pretty consistent handle on these emotions. Of course, there were certain deviations but as a whole, it was a pretty steady line. However…. That stability did NOT continue. Despite rough patches, here and there, things were manageable… until early 2021… talk about an unforgiving spike in this department. I won't go into too much detail but it began with the passing of my grandmother. Ohhhh that introduced me to a new understanding of the feeling of “loss”. I felt like a piece of me went with her. She was my first favorite person in the whole world. But because of that loss, my realization of the fact that I had no idea how to deal with that loss, led me here. I began writing again. To put the words I could not express out loud on paper, and to release all the hurt inside, in a way that was beautiful and honest, and unrepressed. This blog became my first outlet, my therapy, my voice, courage, fears and bizarre humor. But it made me feel better. So much came of it and still does. I've been published numerous times now and it's an amazing feeling everytime my hands hit the keys with something I need to deal with or an emotion I need to work through. Preserving my sanity and quieting the noise.

And in case that wasn't enough, almost exactly one year later, I lost my grandfather. He and I were extremely close as well and a very unique bond. The hardest part was not just losing him but the fact that my circumstances did not allow me to go to his funeral. Considering I was the type of granddaughter for him that normally would have been the first to show up and the last to leave, imagine the turmoil of not being able to attend at all. I dealt with that “guilt” for quite some time until again, writing saved me. Someone was looking to publish an anthology of works related to how writing can be therapeutic or assist with mental health. I submitted a piece in honor of my grandfather. It spoke of the man he was throughout his life until the very end. I was able to reflect on it at the end and by writing the piece, I told a story of what I WOULD have said at his funeral. That piece allowed for so much closure and in honoring him in such a way, the remorse and guilt subsided and his story would be forever memorialized on paper for the world to see.  This story was selected and published. I will post that story in a future blog.

For now, I will take a short intermission and continue in the next post. See you soon!

Take care!

The Last Song

It bore a lock.

Hidden, protected, impenetrable

It shined beyond its encasing

Too bright to stay hidden

Yet too hurt to expose itself

It stayed silent to all

But spoke softly to one.

Hovered in the shadows

Shined brightly with one

It hid from itself

Until a breath of air filled it from within

It danced in the moments

Floated on the breeze of renewal

Then stepped into the light.

The light of one other

Created a moment...

then another, 

then another,

then another...

then another.

Bold,

Beautiful

Fearless.

Then......................Nothing.....................

.................................................. Nothing at all........................

Unreciprocated.

Disregarded.

Abandoned..

Betrayed...

Broken....

Belittled....

Left in the darkness of the beginning...

But so much deeper than where it started....

(Anger never lives within this space...but occasionally it is occupied by pain)

Recognize it, feel it, then let it go.... but never let go of true love... embrace it when she shows herself to you... because it is a once in a lifetime type of love...

And if you don't answer when something knocks.. someone else Will... ALWAYS BE CERTAIN WITH YOUR WORDS AND YOUR INTENTIONS...

the pen is consistently mightier than the sword...

and Love shall conquer all....

take care. bloggees! and see you soon