Hello my beautiful world. I hope everyone's days shines bright even if you are nocturnal— like me. Lol Yes, I am nocturnal. Not to be confused by night owls.
What's the difference you ask? Night owls have some element of control over the hours in which they keep. Nocturnal, much like spiders, have no say in the matter and exist naturally under the light of the moon and not the sun. That is me, and that is who i am. Moving on…
Tonight was interesting. And not so much in a good way but in a very eye opening way. I have a really good friend who has only ever been respectful and fantastic to me. But tonight, I kinda messed up because I let my natural fight or flight instinct kick in when it was absolutely NOT necessary. When you live a life of protecting yourself, and being your own warrior, it's hard to adjust to genuine, good hearted people. You spend so much time getting hurt, that, while unintentional, your self preservation interferes with people who are just as damaged as you are.
Re-building your strength is never easy. Finding someone who is trying to do the same without walking all over you is even harder. I get scared when people get close. Which is why I don't let people get close. Relationship trauma is something that has plagued me for years and because of my experience in life, I don't forget, but I fail to realize sometimes that there are people who are on a path as I am to meet genuine people with no intention other than to just exist without toxicity and drama, and for that I AM SORRY.
I am not perfect. And I am navigating uncharted territory when I encounter those who are NOT trying to get over on me or trying to kick me when I'm down. But I am learning to recognize this, and I am trying to find that fine line between protecting myself and allowing the good souls in- as few and far between as they are. So at my ripe old age of “none of your business”lol, I am at a pre-kindergarten age of seeing people in a different light other than constant protection mode.
So to any of those who I encounter, know that I am kind, and good intentioned. But I am a human who has live ** years of toxicity and I want nothing more on this earth than to change that energy. And I hope, if anyone else is in the same place, be patient with yourself, and if a situation arises and you walk away feeling like an asshole, you probably are being one, so apologize! Even if life experience tells you otherwise, not everyone in this world is shitty… just saying.
Take care of each other.
See you soon!!!
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