En"Rich"ing your better self.

Hello my beautiful world. I hope everyone's days shines bright even if you are nocturnal— like me. Lol Yes, I am nocturnal. Not to be confused by night owls.

What's the difference you ask?  Night owls have some element of control over the hours in which they keep. Nocturnal, much like spiders, have no say in the matter and exist naturally under the light of the moon and not the sun. That is me, and that is who i am. Moving on…

Tonight was interesting. And not so much in a good way but in a very eye opening way. I have a really good friend who has only ever been respectful and fantastic to me. But tonight, I kinda messed up because I let my natural fight or flight instinct kick in when it was absolutely NOT necessary.  When you live a life of protecting yourself, and being your own warrior, it's hard to adjust to genuine, good hearted people. You spend so much time getting hurt, that, while unintentional, your self preservation interferes with people who are just as damaged as you are.

Re-building your strength is never easy. Finding someone who is trying to do the same without walking all over you is even harder. I get scared when people get close. Which is why I don't let people get close. Relationship trauma is something that has plagued me for years and because of my experience in life, I don't forget, but I fail to realize sometimes that there are people who are on a path as I am to meet genuine people with no intention other than to just exist without toxicity and drama, and for that I AM SORRY.
I am not perfect. And I am navigating uncharted territory when I encounter those who are NOT trying to get over on me or trying to kick me when I'm down. But I am learning to recognize this, and I am trying to find that fine line between protecting myself and allowing the good souls in- as few and far between as they are. So at my ripe old age of “none of your business”lol, I am at a pre-kindergarten age of seeing people in a different light other than constant protection mode. 

So to any of those who I encounter, know that I am kind, and good intentioned.  But I am a human who has live ** years of toxicity and I want nothing more on this earth than to change that energy. And I hope, if anyone else is in the same place, be patient with yourself,  and if a situation arises and you walk away feeling like an asshole, you probably are being one, so apologize! Even if life experience tells you otherwise, not everyone in this world is shitty… just saying.
Take care of each other. 
See you soon!!!

The Gift

 In all of my blogs, I like to keep a good variety of subjects and I would say that I hold that to be mostly true.  But just as in life, sometimes there are periods of time, where variation takes a backseat to addressing more important or pressing issues. My intention here is not focused on any one thing in particular, but when matters arise, they should be discussed. 
Before I get started, I want to include a link to a song that is very personal to me. It has been the “theme song” to all of my endeavors, challenges, and my overall position in life. I would like you to listen to it after you read this blog. I hope in some way it resonates with you, and if it does not, just know that the lyrics speak volumes about yours truly.  If you do listen to it before reading the blog, maybe listen to it afterwards as well and see if anything changes for you…
https://youtu.be/KxnpFKZowcs?si=q9tsNafIpyCu9JVa
On a personal level, lately I have been going through a lot of changes, reflection, introspection, and on a rare occasion, emotional meltdowns. While some may encounter similar situations calling it a weakness, I call it being human. And if you do not have those days, you are either lying to yourself, or you are not of this species- and I mean this from the depth of my soul.
There are people, such as myself, who have spent their whole lives being the “rock” for other people.  You are the strength that no one else has, the one who rises against injustices, the person no one ever sees cry, the shoulder to cry on, the one who “always has it together”, and a million other “knight and shining armor” images cast upon you. This is not a lie, or a facade. It is both a blessing and a curse. But more importantly, it is a HUGE responsibility.  This responsibility is accepted not by choice, but by destiny (for lack of a better term). Those who it is bestowed upon are subject to a life of conflict between both good will and loneliness.
The truth is that people need people- emotionally, physically, psychologically and intellectually. Our well-being is directly dependent upon the relationships we have with other people. When we don't have those relationships, we are feral at best. But even when we do have people in our lives, situations arise where something more is needed. When we reach breaking points, or have a decision we need to make or have made, or there's a shift in our norms such as a break up, a death, a job loss, or just the realization that our lives are not what we imagined. All human instances, all potentially painful, all requiring the understanding, and hopefully the compassion of another soul.  We cannot avoid any of these no matter how hard we try. Control is a literal illusion and if these events are meant to occur, they will, AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
But….
There are people. People who allow you to temporarily succumb to your sadness, express your anger or your disdain, to live in your moment of whatever emotion you need to express… to be your “rock”- to lean on, to cry to, to shout at, to be silent, to give you strength or solitude, to be whatever it is that you need to be at that time, and to allow you to live in the moment of your emotions so you can deal with them and move forward.
I am one of those people. I have been so my entire life. It is a massive responsibility and one of the loneliest gifts you could ever imagine. The ability to bring comfort to others is an amazing thing and I would not trade it for anything. But all good things come with a price. Every good deed I do, or kindness I show, is done so with the most purest of intention and with absolutely no expectation of return. But that is my own personal way. And while I do not ask for or seek anything in return, I continue to do so with full knowledge that for people like me, there is no reciprocity. I am the most optimistic, silver lining, always finding the good in all, positive being… but for me, there is not going to be someone who can be for me what I can be for others… at least not unconditionally, or permanently, or genuinely, and some days that can be a really hard pill to swallow. 
This acknowledgement will never prevent me from being that someone for someone. I will never shy away or back down from providing comfort to anyone. I will never expect anything in return, or turn anyone away, nor will I ever judge anyone who needs “a person”, because not everyone has been gifted with the strength I have been given, and for that I am truly grateful. 
-but PS. Some days, it sucks to be that strong. Lol.- just keeping it real. 
To all my rocks out there… In case no one has ever told you… Thank you. You are sooooo necessary, so amazing, so lovely, and selfless. There are more of you that exist out there, believe it or not. Stay strong, stay beautiful and stay grateful!! It's worth it, and so are you.
Take care of yourself!
See you soon.

Finding Purpose

hello everyone! I hope everyone is still breathing! lol. If not... why haven't you called me??? lol. jk. In that case,,, lets just get real for a second....
On we go!!
 Little credit is given to those who give it all and do not receive anything in return. This is because those who give it all, never expect anything in return. Their mission in life is selfless. And despite their actual needs, they are never needy. They could live their whole lives attempting to improve the lives of others…  not for any reward, or recognition, but because they are drawn to it. It is natural, and is felt from the core of their being, that the people they encounter or help or even listen to, need to feel something, and even if it is not the entirety of their something, we are willing to give as much as we are in order for them to feel “anything”. 
IF you are still following, my message is this…. I have accepted my place on this earth as a person who will not get everything they desire, nor have an easy life, and despite how hard I work…. As the talented and amazing, yet late Chester Bennington would say…. “I tried so hard, and got so far…. But in the end, it doesnt even matter.”
But theres no real negativity to claim in this statement, because as difficult as my life has been, my hard work may not matter for me in what I do, but I hope I said something or did something for someone…. that did matter. And even if  my life was less than what I have earned I can only hope that what I did or said, did SOMETHING, OR ANYTHING for someone else…
Because life is not about what we get out of it, it's about making the most out of life, even if it's for someone else…
And I am perfectly ok with that….
Take care little world! You are so much bigger than you even know!
PS... I would never discredit the beautiful gifts of people I have in my life, and I am in no way NOT grateful for those gifts- my perfectly amazing miracle of a son, and my appropriately necessary crazy family.... Blessings come from strange places. lol.lol

Plateau (Part1)

 Good evening my dear ones. I hope you are all fantastic!!!I If not, spread kindness. 

Tonight I had an interesting thought- whether you agree on if it is interesting or not will be indicated by where you place your cursor right now. 

Pick me!! Pick me!!!

-Just kidding. No matter what, I am extremely grateful for you if you are reading this right now, so thank you, truly, thank you!

Ok, so do you remember (depending on your age) when there was so much to be excited for?Or when feelings were still "new". The anticipation of something different or a new experience??

If you are not sure what I am talking about, congratulations, you have your whole life ahead of you and you should definitely make the absolute Bestest most out of it!!!

At this point in my life, when I reflect on my overall emotional stats and wellbeing, I find much of it to be a bit oxymoron-ish, yet almost conflicted. I should probably break it down before I confuse myself... which, who only knows what it will do to you! So for the purpose of trying to keep on track, let's break the sentiments down individually. I cannot promise any of this will make any sense, but lets just hope for the best!

1. Excitement!- I have found that the older I get, the less I have to be excited for. In general, when you are in elementary school, you cannot wait to be in high school, or get your drivers license, or turn 21. (Tangent disclaimer in 3...2...1...) 

   ok so maybe this is a buzzkill, but it's quite hilarious at the moment... I've been a bartender for many years and whenever someone showed up on their 21st birthdays, or close to it, they were always so proud to show off their ability  to drink, finally!!!. So for those beautiful souls, I would say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And congratulations.... you officially have NOTHING to look forward to anymore until retirement!!" brutal, yes, but always gets a strange look, and then a laugh  because. for one, it's the MF truth, and two, I get to see their faces as they go into deep contemplation mode but then of course I offer to make them a birthday shot on the house. I keep shit real, but not in a Debbie downer sort of way. annnnyyywaysss...

As perception-based as it actually is, my perception is that I find it harder and harder to be actually "excited" for things as I would have when I was younger.  Now this could be just me, because my life has followed a non-traditional timeline and path, therefore I may not be the best expert in this specific category...

 I will explain.. 

As a female, it is the general status quo, as young girls or young ladies, to be infatuated with/excited about the concept of meeting that special guy and getting married, the honeymoon, the biological clock ticking desire to become a mom...etc. 

Well, It's never been quite like that for me. I am 45 years old and have never been married. I was engaged twice, but marriage never happened. And the biological clock ticking... NEVER FELT IT, NOT EVEN CLOSE, NOT EVEN ONCE.  I literally never ever had any burning desire or feeling of obligation to generate offspring.lol. But that's just me. However, when I DID get pregnant and found out I was going to have a boy... talk about joyous bells ringing and absolute relief that I would not have to worry about pink bows and girly shit. I'm just not that type. Plus, I  already had two absolutely amazing and beautiful step daughters that taught me so much about being a parent, and it was such an honor to be able to love them like they were my own- I cannot express enough how ABSOLUTELY LUCKY I have been with the three children I have had the pleasure of being a part of their lives for so long, Somehow, somewhere, I did Something right to have my girls Carissa and Alicia, and my baby boy, Lysandro in my life!!! What a wonderful gift!!!!

Ok, side tracked yet again. I have a feeling this will be a 2-part subject, but for now..Onwaard we go!!

Where were we... excitement. I feel like I have the occasional tastes of excitement, like "I'm excited to see you" or "looking forward to this or that" but for the most part, nowhere near what excitement used to mean growing up... awe the good old days…

…Ok, balancing the playing board now. 

2. Sadness/Hurt/pain In the same respect, these may follow a similar pattern   When we are younger, the concept of sadness/hurt borders on dramatic but is usually short lived. As children, we tend to be more resilient when it comes to these emotions. Whether it is due to our notion that there is so much more out there in the world than to dwell on those feelings, or maybe it's because we don't have the capacity to truly understand the pain we are feeling or supposed to feel. Maybe it's neither. 

Again, for me, my degree of these emotions did not follow that pattern. It's been more of a bell-curve. I feel like growing up I was able to keep a pretty consistent handle on these emotions. Of course, there were certain deviations but as a whole, it was a pretty steady line. However…. That stability did NOT continue. Despite rough patches, here and there, things were manageable… until early 2021… talk about an unforgiving spike in this department. I won't go into too much detail but it began with the passing of my grandmother. Ohhhh that introduced me to a new understanding of the feeling of “loss”. I felt like a piece of me went with her. She was my first favorite person in the whole world. But because of that loss, my realization of the fact that I had no idea how to deal with that loss, led me here. I began writing again. To put the words I could not express out loud on paper, and to release all the hurt inside, in a way that was beautiful and honest, and unrepressed. This blog became my first outlet, my therapy, my voice, courage, fears and bizarre humor. But it made me feel better. So much came of it and still does. I've been published numerous times now and it's an amazing feeling everytime my hands hit the keys with something I need to deal with or an emotion I need to work through. Preserving my sanity and quieting the noise.

And in case that wasn't enough, almost exactly one year later, I lost my grandfather. He and I were extremely close as well and a very unique bond. The hardest part was not just losing him but the fact that my circumstances did not allow me to go to his funeral. Considering I was the type of granddaughter for him that normally would have been the first to show up and the last to leave, imagine the turmoil of not being able to attend at all. I dealt with that “guilt” for quite some time until again, writing saved me. Someone was looking to publish an anthology of works related to how writing can be therapeutic or assist with mental health. I submitted a piece in honor of my grandfather. It spoke of the man he was throughout his life until the very end. I was able to reflect on it at the end and by writing the piece, I told a story of what I WOULD have said at his funeral. That piece allowed for so much closure and in honoring him in such a way, the remorse and guilt subsided and his story would be forever memorialized on paper for the world to see.  This story was selected and published. I will post that story in a future blog.

For now, I will take a short intermission and continue in the next post. See you soon!

Take care!