Hello all. Hopefully everyone is doing well. I had an interesting day at work today. I will spare you the details and just say that I am happy to be safe at home, in the comfort of my keyboard. Thanks for joining me.
So today I would like to let you all in on a little secret. Well, a couple of secrets actually. But before I do, I will share with you a little story- completely relative to the eventual point of this post. ok, so...
A few years ago, my partner was a groomsman in a wedding. The bride/groom did not have children at the time, so when it came to the usual pre-wedding festivities, rehearsal dinner, etc., they had a pretty strict no-kids allowed policy-understandable. Well, when it came to the rehearsal dinner, my partner and I had absolutely no other childcare options, so either we did not go (which wasn't going to happen) or our son came with us. So we opted for the latter.
So our son, two or three years old at the time, (which would normally be the most difficult of ages) sat between my partner and I throughout the entire dinner. At the end, the bride comes up to us and asks us when our "sitter" dropped off our son. A little confused but somewhat knowing what she meant, we asked "what do you mean?"
"Your son? When did the sitter drop him off?"
"We didn't have a sitter tonight. He has been here the whole time"
Now, I don't know what was my favorite part about the conversation- the fact that we had such a well behaved child that he could sit without incident for the entire two hour dinner among adults, or the expression on her face when she found out he had been there the whole time, without even the slightest hint that he was there. Either way, she told me later that she was impressed at how well he behaved, and was still in shock that they had no idea he was there.
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So now comes the secret I told you I would share with you. Now I am in no way an expert, nor am I a professional in any psychology or child development field, I am just a parent, who, actually am not a fan of children in general- at least not as I have encountered them. And I never actually intended on having them at all. I never had one of those ticking clocks-as they put it, nor did I fantasize about being a parent at all. I was perfectly ok with never having them.
However, when I met my partner, he had two daughters already, and he was such a wonderful father, and the bond between them was so unique and special, that for the first time in my life, I actually considered the possibility of maybe. So we decided to take steps to find out if I was in fact able to have children, because at the time, I had some medical issues that may have prevented the possibility. So we committed to just taking a test to see if it was possible. Before I could take the test, I found out I was actually pregnant. Now, I told him and everyone else at the time, that IF, big IF I was to ever have a kid, it would be one boy and that was it. I would be done. It could not be a girl, it had to be a boy, and only one.
Luckily I got my wish. The most perfect little boy, with the biggest heart and so beautiful inside and out. Still to this day he does not let a day go by without telling me he loves me and makes sure I get my minimum of daily hug--and he is thirteen now, and still does this.
Getting back to my point. So how does such a wonderfully behaved child come to be? Besides a lot of love, positive attention, and even more love, there are some secrets too.
We have all been to restaurants where there is one family with that one or couple of kids who can't sit still, get up and wander, make a lot of unnecessary noise, disruptive, tantrums, etc...
And we ask why do they act like that or why do their parents let them act like that? Simple.
Because they are in a situation that they are not familiar with and they have no idea how to act. You see, the problem here lies in the fact that these kids don't get to go out much. Their parents leave them home, with sitters, other family etc, so when they go to a restaurant, they have no idea how they are supposed to act or what they are supposed to do. So they resort to their most primitive behaviors- exploration, vocal expression, squirmy-ness when forced to sit in a high chair or an uncomfortable dining chair, eating food they are not familiar with. It is completely foreign to them, and for valid reasons.
As soon as my son had enough of his immunizations to be out in public as a baby, I took him EVERYWHERE with me; grocery stores, restaurants, running errands, appointments, literally everywhere. He did everything with me. He eventually became accustomed to being out and about, so being out did not seem so foreign. There was no unfamiliarity as to how to act because it was nothing new. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him, therefore he could act accordingly.
To this day, at the age of 13, I still have had no behavioral issues or conflicts with him, almost at all-but hey, there is still time right?
Secret #2
I am not sure where this came from, or what made me come up with it, but when it comes to addressing bad behavior, or “scolding” a child ( I am not really a fan of this word, but you get the idea) How do you do it? Do you stand over them, talking down to them addressing it with your finger pointed at them angrily? Sure, if you want to make them feel like crap. Try something different. Bend down on one knee, get down to their height, and situation yourself just below their eye level. Now explain to them calmly what they did, why it is wrong, and what to do in the future if something like that should happen again. Make sure you maintain eye contact and some form of (appropriate) physical touch like holding their hand.
What does this do? For one it teaches them that when something is important, you maintain eye contact. Their physical touch shows that you still love them and you are not angry with them (even if you are upset). But most importantly, you show them that you are looking up to them. By cowering over them, you make them feel inferior. You are talking down to them. Isn’t it more important that we try to raise our children up, not push them down? We don’t want to bully our children. We want to raise them confidently.
Speaking of confidence, let's move to the next secret.
Secret #3
When my son was four or five, we had returned home from a shopping trip. The day had been one of nightmares, from being late to something important, to forgetting my debit card at the grocery store, it was hotter than hell outside, I hadn't had a chance to eat that day, I had a headache , and broke a shopping bag on the way up the stairs. So, needless to say I was already a bit on edge. While making dinner, I knocked over the jar of spaghetti sauce and it shattered into million pieces and the contents splattered the entire kitchen like some horrendous crime scene. Probably still swearing a bit, my son came in to investigate.
“Oh my gosh what a mess. Is dinner almost ready?”
Enraged by the whole situation, and irritated at him having the nerve to ask me if dinner was ready when it was obviously painting the kitchen already, I lashed out.
“Are you freaking kidding me???!!!” I stomped like a child to my room, slammed the door, and sat on the bed burying my face in my hands.
A few breaths later and I looked up by the door. Next to it, I kept one of those photo strips that you get at arcades where you can take multiple photos and they all print out on the strips. There was always one of me and my son making the same goofy faces with each other. I purposefully kept it there so it was the last thing I saw before I started my day because it always made me smile.
This moment did so many things for me. I asked myself, “what am I doing? “
If I wanted to raise a confident little boy, I can’t have him thinking that my bad days have anything to do with him. If I continue to act like this when something goes wrong, he is always going to think that “mommy is in a bad mood and it is all my fault” That is never what I want. I want him to know that people are going to have bad days, but never to suspect that it is because of anything he did or didn’t do.
So I gathered myself together, opened my door, and found him sitting quietly on his bed. I got on one knee next to him. Held his hand and looked him right in the eyes.
“I am sorry I yelled at you. You did nothing wrong. I am having a bad day and it is not your fault. You are the best part of my days, and I need you to know that my bad days are never because of you or anything you did or didn’t do. I love you, and I am sorry for yelling at you. “
He hugged me and in that moment, I learned the single most important thing- how to apologize genuinely and the value of what it can do for a person.
So what is the secret? Never takes things out on your children. Don’t allow your child to ever feel like YOUR bad days are their fault. This only leads them to feeling guilty over nothing, usually not understanding why. Show them that they are a positive in your life and never a negative. This can lead them to be confident and by teaching real apologies (the way my son showed me indirectly) it makes them more self aware as well as being aware and cognizant of the emotional well-being of others.
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Now there are a couple more very important secrets that I would like to share with you, but like they say, never give away all your secrets at once! Plus, this is a blog and not a novel, So for now, you have a few to get started and we will continue this another time.
I do want to just leave you with a few final thoughts:
We are not here to brutally teach the way of the world to our kids. We really need to learn how to do it with a little more finesse and compassion. We cannot expect them to know what we know or punish them for not knowing- it is our job to teach them. Just be aware of what exactly we are teaching them, because how we raise them will affect an entire world around them as they get older. The point here is that we all have the potential to really screw up our kids. But there is greater potential to help them become the best versions of themselves that we can- confident, smart, personable, healthy, and kind. None of this is possible if we don’t help and support them.
Now, like I mentioned before, I do not claim to be any form of an expert, nor am I educated specifically in child development. Anything I share here is purely based upon both observations, and my personal experiences. And knowing that all kids are not the same, these kinds of things may not work for everyone, and each parent has to make the decisions they feel is best for them and the ones they are raising.
Thanks for being here!
Take care.
